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Choosing a care home

FranL

Registered User
Jan 22, 2022
22
0
My mother is currently in a care home being funded by the state until tomorrow. Adult social care called this morning and cannot do an assessment yet but as mum is self funding they say the choice is us/mum. Mum wants to go home but she has vascular dementia and we don’t know for how long. She has lucid moments but not many and cannot manage money etc.

We therefore believe that being in a care home is best for her. She has no LPA but I do hold An enduring power of attorney which is registered so I can take hold of her finances. But I worry about making a decision for her. She does not like where she is so we have found a nice one which we can afford which has a specialist dementia unit which her current home does not have. I just don’t know how to go about having a conversation with her about staying in a home. I would love to know how others have dealt with this situation.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
4,997
0
Nottinghamshire
A warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point @FranL .
I’m guessing your mum is in a care home at the moment as she either moved there after a hospital stay or there was a problem at home. It’s unlikely she’d manage if she did go back home or at least not for long. My mum also has vascular dementia and could appear quite together, but I moved her into care when she started to put herself and others at risk.
The home you’ve found sounds good as you do need somewhere that understands dementia. Maybe use what we call round here ‘love lies’, so tell your mum
She needs to build up her strength on doctor’s orders or that you need to do a few things to her house. Keep on repeating as necessary. It does feel very deceitful lying to a parent, but if your mum is like mine she’ll hotly deny that there is anything wrong, and certainly won’t think she needs any help.
I’m sure others will be along soon with their suggestions, but in the mean time do have look round this very friendly site.
 
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Helly68

Registered User
Mar 12, 2018
1,292
0
@FranL - this is always tricky.
I think it is often a balance between supporting someone to make the choices they can, and recognising that however much we may want to support "staying at home" this may not be either safe or practical.
My Mum (mixed dementia) was fortunately pretty positive about going into a home. She said herself "the doctor has said I must stay here until I am better", and this seemed about as much of the truth as it might be wise to discuss. Sadly she was never going to be "better", but I think it was kinder to avoid any further exploration of this and she pretty much lived in the moment anyway, so it didn't really come up.
If you have found a home with a dementia unit, that is a very good thing - as you say, you don't know how long she could cope at home anyway, and settling into another home might be a better move. Blaming a doctor who says she must "convalesce" is an explanation that many here have used successfully in similar circumstances. Often the home which PWD wish to return to is actually a childhood home - literally a return to their parents and a time before dementia - so never a reality, though very sad. I hope you find a way to navigate this difficult time.
 

FranL

Registered User
Jan 22, 2022
22
0
A warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point @FranL .
I’m guessing your mum is in a care home at the moment as she either moved there after a hospital stay or there was a problem at home. It’s unlikely she’d manage if she did go back home or at least not for long. My mum also has vascular dementia and could appear quite together, but I moved her into care when she started to put herself and others at risk.
The home you’ve found sounds good as you do need somewhere that understands dementia. Maybe use what we call round here ‘love lies’, so tell your mum
She needs to build up her strength on doctor’s orders or that you need to do a few things to her house. Keep on repeating as necessary. It does feel very deceitful lying to a parent, but if your mum
I’d like mine she’ll hotly deny that there is anything wrong, and certainly won’t think she needs any help.
I’m sure others will be along soon with their suggestions, but in the mean time do have look round this very friendly site.
I think my biggest problem at the moment is one of my sons who thinks we should be very honest and open with her. He is a blunt person and does not understand dementia. He says that I’m lying to her and so is his brother. But when he visits he finds it very difficult because she says very odd things! Fortunately he analysed the cost of care at home and realised that it was too much and that actually care homes are significantly cheaper. i also pointed out that she would call him in the middle of the night if she was able to If she remained at home. He is coming with me tomorrow to see her so I just hope he can live with the ’love lies’! You are correct that she is in a home that social services put her in pending assessment but they now say she does not need the assessment if she agrees to stay in a care setting As we are self funding.
 

FranL

Registered User
Jan 22, 2022
22
0
@FranL - this is always tricky.
I think it is often a balance between supporting someone to make the choices they can, and recognising that however much we may want to support "staying at home" this may not be either safe or practical.
My Mum (mixed dementia) was fortunately pretty positive about going into a home. She said herself "the doctor has said I must stay here until I am better", and this seemed about as much of the truth as it might be wise to discuss. Sadly she was never going to be "better", but I think it was kinder to avoid any further exploration of this and she pretty much lived in the moment anyway, so it didn't really come up.
If you have found a home with a dementia unit, that is a very good thing - as you say, you don't know how long she could cope at home anyway, and settling into another home might be a better move. Blaming a doctor who says she must "convalesce" is an explanation that many here have used successfully in similar circumstances. Often the home which PWD wish to return to is actually a childhood home - literally a return to their parents and a time before dementia - so never a reality, though very sad. I hope you find a way to navigate this difficult time.
Thank you. I have blamed social services until now but they are happy to discharge her from their care without assessment if she stays in a care setting as they are not paying. I‘m hoping that the fact she has a choice to stay where she is or go to,the lovely home which looks like a hotel will be enough to persuade her to not ask to go home. On a bad day I’m the cruel daughter who locked her away but on good day, I think she realises she does need the support.
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
350
0
Hi there, i agonised over this exact thing... and when it finally came to it - i couldn't tell my mum - i don't think she would have understood it and she would have got very upset. i told her on the day we are going to lunch which she accepted. When we got there Covid protocols where in place so i wasn't able to go in with her and she went away with the nurse quite happily. Im sure she must have ben horribly confused afterwards but I couldn't see any other way. Written down like this it sounds like a did a very cruel thing, but it was the only thing i could have done to get her there.

I have always had a great relationship with my mum and been very honest so the whole thing went against the grain but i didn't have a choice as Mum wouldn't have been compliant in going to the care home
 

FranL

Registered User
Jan 22, 2022
22
0
Hi there, i agonised over this exact thing... and when it finally came to it - i couldn't tell my mum - i don't think she would have understood it and she would have got very upset. i told her on the day we are going to lunch which she accepted. When we got there Covid protocols where in place so i wasn't able to go in with her and she went away with the nurse quite happily. Im sure she must have ben horribly confused afterwards but I couldn't see any other way. Written down like this it sounds like a did a very cruel thing, but it was the only thing i could have done to get her there.

I have always had a great relationship with my mum and been very honest so the whole thing went against the grain but i didn't have a choice as Mum wouldn't have been compliant in going to the care home
Such difficult choices. We have told the new place is like a hotel so just bending the truth a little. My big worry quite frankly is that the prospective home won’t take her- they have beds available. But what happens if they decide they cannot meet her care needs? I have an interview on Thursday so keep fingers crossed for me!
 

Frank24

Registered User
Feb 13, 2018
350
0
Such difficult choices. We have told the new place is like a hotel so just bending the truth a little. My big worry quite frankly is that the prospective home won’t take her- they have beds available. But what happens if they decide they cannot meet her care needs? I have an interview on Thursday so keep fingers crossed for me!
Try to take it one day at a time. My mum was due to go in the week of COVid shut down March 2020. It didn’t happen obviously then until quite a few months later. There will be a solution. Really hope they can fit the bill for your mum
 

FranL

Registered User
Jan 22, 2022
22
0
Try to take it one day at a time. My mum was due to go in the week of COVid shut down March 2020. It didn’t happen obviously then until quite a few months later. There will be a solution. Really hope they can fit the bill for your mum
Thank you so much Frank 😊