Chest Infection

[MeganCat]

Hi its a while since ive been on here regularly, mum has had Alzheimer’s for 10 years now, and been in her care home for 6 years. Shes been bedridden for about the last 4 and hasn’t recognised or reacted to my presence for the last 3. Shes been pretty stable this last year - possibly because of lack of visitors into the home and PPE. Ive seen her during the summer in the garden in her bucket wheelchair.
There are cases of covid in the home now and i had a call yesterday from GP that she had a cough and he was giving antibiotics and treating as pneumonia. He doesnt know if it is covid or just a chest infection; she has refused testing each time they have done the home. ie got distressed. The GP asked if i want her to go to hospital if she deteriorates - i said no. The care home manager emailed me last night and offered a visit.
so i went in today, got all PPE’d up and spent a couple of hours with mum. She was really staring into my eyes - i really felt like she knew i was hers, like she did when she‘d forgotten who i was but knew i was special to her. She kind of smiled - haven’t seen that for years. After about an hour she got sleepy and drifted off to sleep more like she has been for the last couple years. Her chest was really rattly and her hands cold. The home said i can go back when ever i want.
im not really sure of the purpose of this ramble - speaking to people who know i guess. Shes been classed as palliative for years and i feel this might be the infection that takes her. Especially how nice and proactive the home are being - and the extra lucidity today.
A friend asked if theyd admit her for iv antibiotics if the oral ones dont work, and talked about all the amazing consultations that are happening now ( we are both in health) and i just changed the subject - i couldnt face getting into that discussion when its not in her best interests and i feel like id be defensive. Its not an academic conversation- its personal! Another was asking lots of questions to determine if it was covid or ‘just‘ a chest infection- its irrelevant to my mind, chest infections and pneumonia are just as deadly, they mean well and i love them dearly, but i don't want to have to justify (and then doubt) my decisions.
Im just exhausted emotionally with it all. The receptionist asked me how i was as i left and i just blubbed, which i havent done in a long time. I may as well be an only child (an old one now!) - i have an absent brother who plays no part and mum has no more family left. Shes had a limbo life for the last 5 years since she had flu and her Alzheimer’s plummeted off a cliff - its no life, but i feel like everyone who has no idea of this world will think im heartless and selfish.

 

[Cat27]

It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks @MeganCat. You’ve done what’s best for your mum.
I wish you strength to get through this

 

[Izzy]

Thank you so much for sharing this @MeganCat. It’s so poignant.

As @Cat27 says you have done your best for your mum. It’s so good that your mum is being well cared for and that you have spent time with your mum. The home sounds as if they are doing their very best for both of you.

It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Your love for your mum shines through your post. I’m so glad you’ve shared here and I hope you come back here whenever you need to. Thinking of you and wishing you strength.

 

[lemonbalm]

I would do exactly the same @MeganCat . I'm glad you had that time with your mum. She sounds peaceful.

 

[MaNaAk]

Hi its a while since ive been on here regularly, mum has had Alzheimer’s for 10 years now, and been in her care home for 6 years. Shes been bedridden for about the last 4 and hasn’t recognised or reacted to my presence for the last 3. Shes been pretty stable this last year - possibly because of lack of visitors into the home and PPE. Ive seen her during the summer in the garden in her bucket wheelchair.
There are cases of covid in the home now and i had a call yesterday from GP that she had a cough and he was giving antibiotics and treating as pneumonia. He doesnt know if it is covid or just a chest infection; she has refused testing each time they have done the home. ie got distressed. The GP asked if i want her to go to hospital if she deteriorates - i said no. The care home manager emailed me last night and offered a visit.
so i went in today, got all PPE’d up and spent a couple of hours with mum. She was really staring into my eyes - i really felt like she knew i was hers, like she did when she‘d forgotten who i was but knew i was special to her. She kind of smiled - haven’t seen that for years. After about an hour she got sleepy and drifted off to sleep more like she has been for the last couple years. Her chest was really rattly and her hands cold. The home said i can go back when ever i want.
im not really sure of the purpose of this ramble - speaking to people who know i guess. Shes been classed as palliative for years and i feel this might be the infection that takes her. Especially how nice and proactive the home are being - and the extra lucidity today.
A friend asked if theyd admit her for iv antibiotics if the oral ones dont work, and talked about all the amazing consultations that are happening now ( we are both in health) and i just changed the subject - i couldnt face getting into that discussion when its not in her best interests and i feel like id be defensive. Its not an academic conversation- its personal! Another was asking lots of questions to determine if it was covid or ‘just‘ a chest infection- its irrelevant to my mind, chest infections and pneumonia are just as deadly, they mean well and i love them dearly, but i don't want to have to justify (and then doubt) my decisions.
Im just exhausted emotionally with it all. The receptionist asked me how i was as i left and i just blubbed, which i havent done in a long time. I may as well be an only child (an old one now!) - i have an absent brother who plays no part and mum has no more family left. Shes had a limbo life for the last 5 years since she had flu and her Alzheimer’s plummeted off a cliff - its no life, but i feel like everyone who has no idea of this world will think im heartless and selfish.

Thinking of you and your mum Megan.

Your mum is proud of you.

MaNaAk

 

[Shedrech]

hi @MeganCat
I'm so glad you were able to visit your mum ... such a comfort to the both of you

we understand .... your heart is full and sometimes you have to look to yourself to be able to continue to look out for your mum ... deep down, she knows you have stood by each other lifelong and you are there for her

 

[Jale]

You have your Mum's best interests as heart and that is what matters. Treasure the time that you have spent with your Mum, take care x

 

[Chaplin]

You hit the nail on the head, those not involved in the long term care of a loved one with dementia will never understand. Please don’t feel like you need to explain your decisions to anyone. It is clear from your post your mum’s best interests are the most important thing to you. Don’t waste energy beating yourself up, your mum sounds peaceful and well supported in the home, let nature take its course and spend as much time as you can with your mum. Take care,

 

[MeganCat]

Thank you for all your responses. when im calm i know im doing what she would want, but when i get upset, i tie myself up.
She did seem peaceful today and the care home staff have been really kind, some of them have known her 6 years, since she was mobile and able to communicate verbally. It was a good visit. She has a lovely room with her music on, photos of her family on the walls, so much calmer than a bright noisy hospital ward. They said i can go back tomorrow so ill just try to cram some time, as this year has been so short of that.
thanks again xx

 

[Banjomansmate]

For ourselves we never want our loved ones to die but when we know it is the kindest thing for them, when they have no quality of life, we find it easier to accept the inevitable!
Make the most of your visits.

 

[canary]

Im sure you have made the best decision.
I too made the decision for mum not to go into hospital , so she passed away peacefully in her care home, tended by the care home staff who all knew her, and my daughter, her husband and I were with her in her final days. I will mention, though, that seeing the physical changes can be quite harrowing.

Ignore what other people think. Until you have been there you have no idea.

 

[lollyc]

I've always been a "quality, not quantity" person, but I accept that there are those for whom it is life at all costs and want to battle until the last breath. That is their choice, not yours. You know your mum, the existence that she has, and what she would choose , if she could. No-one has the right to judge you. Holdfast.

 

[MeganCat]

Im sure you have made the best decision.
I too made the decision for mum not to go into hospital , so she passed away peacefully in her care home, tended by the care home staff who all knew her, and my daughter, her husband and I were with her in her final days. I will mention, though, that seeing the physical changes can be quite harrowing.

Ignore what other people think. Until you have been there you have no idea.

Thanks for headsup about physical changes

 

[JoannePat]

Hi @MeganCat I often come here for a rant, so don't apologise for that.

I have every sympathy and know exactly how you feel at this time. It is a lonely position to be in, but know that you have made the best decision for your mum. She wouldn't want to be pushed from pillar to post in an environment that she doesn't know, by people she doesn't recognise.

At this time I think they should be with people they know love them and even voices that they recognise. They say the hearing is the last thing to go.

My mum has not long got over a chest infection and I made the CH promise not to move her. They are more than happy for mum to stay and look after her to the end. They even explained to me everything that would happen.

I won't tell you to stay strong and keep a stiff upper lip, because I know thats not what I wanted to hear either! But know that we are all thinking of you,

Lots of hugs
Jxxxxx