Changing Homes

[Margaret W]

Mum is not happy where she is. I don't know if she would be happy anywhere other than at home, so envious of people who say their loved ones are so happy. Tell me how you get there please. Am meeting mum's social worker next week, don't know what to ask her, any advice welcome.

Mum has some sort of skin infection, it has errupted all over her face, it is bleeding and itching. Of course, mum thinks it has been caused by being in the home, so the home is horrible.

She has had three courses of antibiotics, three courses of hydrocortisone cream, and as soon as those are finished, back it comes. It is like a sort of excema, dry, rough, hard. She has never suffered from anything like this before. Someone suggested it my be caused by stress. Is that possible? Can anyone advise?

Mum is not happy in her home, should I think of moving her?

Oh dear, I am so unhapppy about it all.

Margaret

 

[Taffy]

Dear Margaret,

Sorry I cant offer you any constructive advice. I do feel for you and your mum and know first hand how heartbreaking it is seeing one so unhappy.

Moving your mum may or may not help the situation it would purely be a gamble I feel. If your mum is so focused on returning to her own home a move elsewhere probably wont make one iota of a difference. Then who really knows it's so hard to say.

I have followed your other threads and know it isn't possible for your mum to live alone. I just hope that one day soon your mum settles in. Look after your self, Regards Taffy.

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Margaret.

I know your mother isn`t happy in the home. I want to ask you if you are happy with the home. If you are happy with the home, then there`s nothing to gain from moving her.

People with dementia are very rarely happy.

But if you are unhappy with the home, it might be an idea to have another look round to see if you can find something better. Only then, might it be worth taking the chance and moving her.

My mother was very unhappy in her first home, and I was unhappy with the home too. But all the other homes I looked at were as bad or even worse than the one she was in.

I did find an excellent home eventually, so she had the last year of her life receiving the kind of care I wished for her.

I understand how bad you feel for her, but unless you can find something better, there`s just no point in moving her.

Life !!!

 

[Nell]

Dear Margaret,

This is such a difficult decision to make. As you know, we moved my Mum just after Christmas, and (so far!) it seems to have worked out OK - not perfect though.

As many of you know, my Mum was in the same Care Home as Taffy's Mum and those who have read her thread will know that the Home certainly has problems.

Mum is still functioning quite well and it was SHE who wanted the move, so she could be with "normal" people, not all those "nutty ones"!!

Well, the Home IS better, but by no means perfect. Mum complains all the time about the food, and the quality of the toilet paper ! - just to mention a couple of things. We've resolved the toilet paper question (just buy her some!) but can't do much about the food.

Also, those "normal" people can be a bit of a nuisance for Mum! THEY like to have their own way too, which means she doesn't always get HER way.

We knew before we moved Mum that she was expecting Shangri-La! And we also knew that there was no way she would get it. Unfortunately, even though she functions quite well still, her ability to reason is shot to bits. She no longer grasps anything that is "fact" - insisting instead that what she wants is always the best thing - for her and everyone else!

Dear Margaret, I think I'd look long and hard at the reasons for moving. If it is only down to your Mum not being happy, it may be that no where will bring about that state for her.
Could you try telling her you are looking for a new place and will move her when some where is available? I know this is subterfuge, but she might be more accepting of her current placement if she believes it is temporary . . . . ?? Just a thought.

Every best wish in resolving this very difficult dilemma.

 

[elaineo2]

I would suggest that you ask to see mums care plan.any documentation of stafs concerns should be documented and any cause for concerns by team leaders acted upon.all should be documented from the day the problem with the dry skin occurred.if necessary contact the GP yourself and check if there has been a referral to them.It may sound odd.seeing as i am a carer in a home,but i know that things get missed and i know that families care.love elainex

 

[Margaret W]

Hi all

Well, the problem with a Care Home is that someone else is doing the caring, so I am just a third party. Mum's face actually flared up last Sunday and a member of staff told me the cream had run out. This Saturday I am told the cream only ran out on Friday, so I don't know what the truth is. Mum tells me "they do nothing, they take no notice at all". There is one member of staff who seems to be "on the ball" regarding mum's face (and the similar infection on her bottom), and applies the cream as prescribed, and calls the doctor if she thinks it necessary, but the rest don't seem to have the same approach.

I don't know whether I am happy with the home or not - I have nothing to compare it to. My friend's mum was in a home just down the road and thought it was marvellous, but her mum didn't have dementia, was happy to stay in her room and watch telly all day, and apart from a couple of months struggling with bladder cancer at the end, led a happy life there. She never socialised with any of the other residents, didn't want to.

Mum is different, she likes to socialise, she isn't the best at conversation, but I've seen her with the other ladies and the two men, she does her best. Although she has AD and needs 24-hours supervision (night wandering, still happening), she is 90% okay in other respects. So we chose the home cos it offered trips out every fortnight (so far one in six months), an activities co-ordinator (she lasted two months), a visiting chiropodist every 8 weeks (one in six months), washing - no-one checks what needs washing, mum was wearing an absolutely filthy skirt yesterday, I made her change it. She spends most of her days sitting in a chair staring into space or nodding off. Bored out of her skull. She doesn't read, but anyway can't cos her glasses have been lost. Second pair. Her false teeth have been lost, two lots, £800 to replace. Do I bother? Mum doesn't seem to know that she ever had false teeth now.

The other residents are largely worse than mum mentally. Some are quite nasty (oh, I know they can't help it, they could be your mum!), but it does upset mum. The home is not an EMI, mum isn't at that stage yet, but we were advised it needed to be secure, i.e. have locks on the door. Mum doesn't even know where the front door is, let alone try to get out of it, and I just wonder if somewhere with more "normal" residents would be better for the time being. I know she will get worse, and a different environment might be needed, but oh, I don't know but what. I just know she ain't happy. As you have all said, she might be no happier anywhere else, in fact, she'd only be happy in her own home, which isn't possible.

Anyway, I appreciate your comments, any more gratefully received cos I don't know what to do.

Margaret