Changes in the blink of an eye

Suzie G

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
70
0
Does anybody else have this? Spent all morning with mum, being shouted at, argued with, criticised etc etc. Popped out to do her shopping - she didn't feel well enough to go out, still in her nightwear and so on. Came back from the supermarket an hour later, an old friend - male - has unexpectedly popped in to see her. Well.......the transformation! Mum was sparkling, flirting, giggling, totally transformed! 5 minutes after he's left, back to the verbal onslaughts, not feeling well, everything my fault.
I know everyone says that people with AD have no idea what's going on and can't be manipulative because they don't recognise what's happening, but really????? I was left totally stunned and even more hurt than before. If she can behave so very differently with me, then is there not an element of choice in that....??
 

sue_1

Registered User
Mar 29, 2017
91
0
Bristol
Does anybody else have this? Spent all morning with mum, being shouted at, argued with, criticised etc etc. Popped out to do her shopping - she didn't feel well enough to go out, still in her nightwear and so on. Came back from the supermarket an hour later, an old friend - male - has unexpectedly popped in to see her. Well.......the transformation! Mum was sparkling, flirting, giggling, totally transformed! 5 minutes after he's left, back to the verbal onslaughts, not feeling well, everything my fault.
I know everyone says that people with AD have no idea what's going on and can't be manipulative because they don't recognise what's happening, but really????? I was left totally stunned and even more hurt than before. If she can behave so very differently with me, then is there not an element of choice in that....??

Suzie G this is the same as my mum, so frail, so old, so ill, so nasty verbally etc etc, and as soon as someone else is there completly transformed. I don't understand how or why this happens but wish visitors would stay long enough to see what really goes on with mum
 

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,731
0
South
It's called hostess mode.

It's putting on a veil of normality for visitors. Unfortunately it takes all the person's energy so they can't keep it up for long. There is also many people who say that because they feel comfortable with loved ones, people with dementia don't need to put up this front and can be themselves, warts and all. Sadly it is the loved ones who often get the barbs, bitterness etc.
 

Suzie G

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
70
0
It's called hostess mode.

It's putting on a veil of normality for visitors. Unfortunately it takes all the person's energy so they can't keep it up for long. There is also many people who say that because they feel comfortable with loved ones, people with dementia don't need to put up this front and can be themselves, warts and all. Sadly it is the loved ones who often get the barbs, bitterness etc.
 

Suzie G

Registered User
Jan 26, 2015
70
0
I'm impressed there is actually a name for it, thank you!
I'm learning so much on here, it's great. :)
Best so far is 'Confabulations'. Told my husband about this and he didn't believe me, but what a great word to sum up what goes on in their heads.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Yes, the mysteries of hostess mode. It really can be remarkable and almost unreal. My mother, until recently, despite being at middle-later stage Alzheimer's, could manage a good enough hostess mode to fool some people who ought to know better that she doesn't have dementia.

I've talked to one neurologist whose professional opinion is that this kind of behaviour is very deep seated, or hard wired in the brain, if you will (the technical explanation is beyond me) and that it's not intentional, in the sense of the PWD is not making a measured, calculated decision to act in hostess mode.

But I do know how hard it is to see that switch, and be on the receiving end of the venom and spite.

I am wondering what sort of support you have, and if you can get more, to give yourself a break?
 

Batsue

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
4,893
0
Scotland
My brother popped in today for a few hours and the difference in mum was amazing, I just wish he could have seen her the other day when she was waving her stick at me and shouting s** off.
 

treerings88

New member
Dec 14, 2017
3
0
Oh my. I just joined this forum. Wrote a question myself about needing time for myself. Read this post and now wonder what I've gotten myself into. My mother is vile with her rage and shes only early onset - looks like I'm going to have a rough year ahead. Any ideas on how I can cope would be appreciated. I left my husband due to verbal abuse, I have PTSD from the way he treated me, not sure if I'm the right person for caring for my mum if this is what's in store for me.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,839
0
Does anybody else have this? Spent all morning with mum, being shouted at, argued with, criticised etc etc. Popped out to do her shopping - she didn't feel well enough to go out, still in her nightwear and so on. Came back from the supermarket an hour later, an old friend - male - has unexpectedly popped in to see her. Well.......the transformation! Mum was sparkling, flirting, giggling, totally transformed! 5 minutes after he's left, back to the verbal onslaughts, not feeling well, everything my fault.
I know everyone says that people with AD have no idea what's going on and can't be manipulative because they don't recognise what's happening, but really????? I was left totally stunned and even more hurt than before. If she can behave so very differently with me, then is there not an element of choice in that....??

My husband and I have had hostess mode with my mother-in-law for many years well before her dementia diagnosis. She's always had personality difficulties bordering on a mental disorder in fact it took us a long time to actually twig there was more going on than her normal personality. She has been very adept over the years at presenting herself as the victim of life and has always been a massive attention seeker. She has always been abusive and unpleasant to my husband and his sister without any sort of justification. Yet over the years she has portrayed herself as someone who is so hard done by I have lost count of the number of times but I've been asked by neighbours or perhaps even suggested to by well meaning people that my mother-in-law is on her own socially isolated and really could do with more help and support. I used to tell them the true side what was going on and very often they just simply couldn't believe it.
On one occasion I actually kept a telephone call on the answer machine that she left where she was giving my husband full blast about how awful he was etc. Just in case we had to produce it to show the real personality behind her.
It was only when her true colours showed eventually and she was abusive to both sets of neighbours that the penny finally dropped with these people.

We learnt to cope by having strategies to deal with her any signs of abuse or criticism my husband and I would simply get up and leave . Eventually we distanced ourselves so much that we were really hardly visiting or have any contact at all. Now with a dementia diagnosis she has more contact with a care agency than she does us socially. We make sure she is ok well cared for and has all her needs catered for. What we're not going to do is to spend 24 hours a day dealing with her abuse