1. Jjjam

    Jjjam New member

    Sep 8, 2019
    Not sure how to support atm, but advice would be most helpful.
    I had my fil recently visit with my mil who has mixed dementia and alzheimers.
    Quite a difficult situation we live in Scotland and they live in Yorkshire. They have recently become great grandparents. My husband drove to get them, we looked after and cared for my mil, and fil got to meet his ggd. Wonderful weekend and mil in some way got to meet her ggd.
    My husband and I have no problem with the caring and keeping her clean at all, it's our daily jobs.
    6 weeks later we went to Yorkshire to visit (bil visits in the meantime) many changes seen to have appeared. Mil has had this diagnosis a number of years but we felt this had been happening a number of years before but was unable to convince her husband anything was wrong. Now, mil has been in the medical profession since 16 (she's now 82) her mantra was "pills are for patients". She will not take anything so is more progressive than most folk with this horrendous thing.
    This weekend, we have witnessed even more of a change. Aggressiveness, a peculiar reading out loud what she sees (almost backwards, sometimes) trying to drink from a milk jug, picking up teapot to pour over her dinner, an almost orgasmic way of talking to another of her sons, the double incontinence which has been there for a couple of years now, but it's not her and doesn't see its her but all over bedroom (and me on one occasion) The list could go on.
    There is a care company in daily, sometimes twice a day, and fil tries his best to look after her the rest of the time but he's 85. He won't give up, honestly not sure if he just a stubborn Yorkshire man or is in fear.
    Does anyone else have a similar situation and how do you cope with it?
  2. karaokePete

    karaokePete Registered User

    Jul 23, 2017
    N Ireland
    Hello @Jjjam, you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

    I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there



    You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list. I think that the Factsheet on the needs assessment may be of particular use to you, given the circumstances here.

    Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
  3. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    hello @Jjjam
    a warm welcome to DTP
    I get exactly what you mean about the stubborn or in fear, and it's probably both
    your fil sounds exhausted so probably has blinkers on, just getting through each day
    you say they have home care visits ... chat with your fil and firmly suggest he has a re-assessment of your mil's care needs by their Local Authority Adult Services to up the care package ie have 4 home care visits a day, to help with personal care etc, and maybe day care plus respite so your fil gets a break, plus an OT visit to their home to suggest aids and adaptions
    tell him you feel so bad that you can't help more and this will set your mind at rest ... or any excuse he may accept .. especially that they have a right to support, having paid into the system all his working life
    think also of funding, which should come from your mil's finances only, possibly at least part funded by the LA
    I hope your mil is in receipt of Attendance Allowance

    might they also have a regular cleaner, to help with keeping the home pleasant

    are there LPAs in place for both your mil and fil, so an Attorney can step in to support each or both of them if necessary

    do let their GP know exactly what their situation is now, to keep the GP fully in the picture ... has the practice continence nurse been involved?

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