Casting up

[Shash7677]

Sorry I agree with Garnuft, why send the text in the first place? There really no need and personally I would be hacked off as hell receiving a text like that as I would feel that I'd had it dumped on me from a great height that I needed to check your mum. Not because you have asked outright but generally out of concern that a person, elderly person with dementia had been left alone all day.

I would have to go and make sure she had lunch, been to the loo and had a drink, no self respecting person who got that text wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't sit there and think 'oh great, she will be ok' as she wouldn't be.

The implications of leaving mum alone are horrendous, what if she fell (oh neighbour knew she was on her own she would find her eventually), what happened if she chocked on lunch? Couldn't get to the loo? Heaven forbid wandered right on out the front door.

Sometimes I don't think you seriously consider these things because home help neighbour is there and she WILL check on mum whether you ask her outright or send her a text that says I'm not there so you need to be.

I'm wondering what her boyfriends said to you, you say he threatened you but I wonder if he said anything about all your neighbour does for mum. Whether you think it or not you do seem to have high expectations of her and how much she should do.

Face to face conversations are always better than the written word, you can see facial expressions and hear intonation, something that can be read in script. I would suggest an apology is in order and maybe some flowers. You also need to think about getting people in to look after mum whilst you have a break as previously suggested.

Have you thought about a day centre for mum so you can have a few hours a week to yourself and know she is being looked after?

Sharon

 

[virg]

Reading this as someone who doesn't really know the situation, there were a couple of things that sprung to mind -

The mention of the pub - was alcohol involved? I find that conversations that could be reasonable sometimes have a different tone if someone has had a few drinks. You mention that the boyfriend is oafish, I sometimes find that people who have been drinking show behaviour that is not how they would be sober.

Also, I work for a boss who profusely thanks his staff. Unfortunately, the constant thanks actually works to devalue it - I'd rather have fewer genuine words of thanks than regular ones which start to sound insincere. You mention that you thank them a lot, could it be similar to my boss that the words are right but the sentiment has gone?

Neither of these points may be relevant but I just thought I'd mention them.

 

[worriedson1]

Cant belive that fellah is getting a glowing review pretty much.

First time he spoke to me when i saw his g/f i said hello and said i had text her that time( my main concern is my mum which is why i said that) her fellah spoke in a very vile manner "Dont Expect my g/f to look after your mum when your are in edinburgh drinking"

I said to him "You are wrong" then he said "You are".

(Note when i told my mum the exact story of that, First thing my mum said about him was "What an Ignorant Pig".

Another time his g/f anf i had words and i said i wanted an apology from him and she said he does not owe me an apology as he was defendeing her and the end of the convo ended with me tell her she could tell her b/f to f off then as i have said in this thread he came in to the pub where i was, i saw him, i ignored the buffon and he kept shouting my nickname loud in the pub

A few mind later i hear commotaton behind me and him and a member of the bar staff(who had done his shift and was having a pint) were at loggerheads and i see the b/f getting thrown out, i then found out he was going to follow me home and beat me up!! the bar dude said to him he was not going to do that and to calm down then he said to the bar staff dude he would follow him home and beat him up then it get kicked off but hey go ahead and praise the b/f eh

 

[worriedson1]

I KNOW i try my best as a loving son to my dear mother, I make many mistakes as carer, i am human, i try my best.

 

[garnuft]

You shouldn't tell your Mum about rows and stuff, it could be very upsetting for her.

 

[worriedson1]

Even when my mum went across the road to talk to a neighbour when i was out she told me he helped her across the road, next again day i went and knocked on his door and said i understood he helped my mother across the road and thanked him very much for that as it was very nice of him, i have done that a couple of times.

 

[worriedson1]

You shouldn't tell your Mum about rows and stuff, it could be very upsetting for her.

Let's just say i was not of calm mind when i was talking about it when i came home home, everything in retrospect is perfect and much clearer.

 

[virg]

I'm really sorry, but the boyfriend sounds defensive of how much he thinks his girlfriend does for you and that it is taking the mickey. You may not believe that but that is how it is coming across to an outsider.

 

[Noorza]

I KNOW i try my best as a loving son to my dear mother, I make many mistakes as carer, i am human, i try my best.

I am definitely not looking down at you worried son, I have made many mistakes, unwittingly. We all have as carers for people with this horrible disease I am sure. I took Mum to the bank once and she asked the bank manager how to make things easier when the time came, he said put the funeral money in joint names so I could access it straight away. Mum agreed signed off on the paperwork (this was over a year ago before I realised it was dementia).

After that she went into hospital, when she came out she became convinced I had stolen her bank account and hasn't really trusted me since. I screwed up. I didn't realise her memory had gotten so bad, I didn't realise it was dementia. I regret it to this day.

I just say this to you to let you know we are here to support each other, none of us have all the answers, most of us if not all have made bad calls, all of us feel guilty for something or another.

We seriously do understand how hard it is.

Having said all that I really think you have read this situation all wrong. You have said the words, but haven't ever followed that up with a gift. You are criticising the boyfriend when your mother's dementia is affecting his life. I can imagine he has had words with his girlfriend about the amount of time she spends with your mum. If I were the neighbour I would feel that the text you sent was absolutely taking the micky. That was her night off and you're in the pub putting the responsibility of your mum on to her whether intentionally or unintentionally, that's what you did.

Then you are getting into it with this Good Samaritan's boyfriend when you should be shutting your mouth knowing that you should be so grateful to the both of them, her for doing the role and him for letting her give up their couple time in favour of your mother.

I'm sorry to say but you are driving away a person who most of us would give our eye teeth to have on our side giving us help.

I truly am not saying this to be nasty but if you can see how you have contributed to this unhappy situation, then perhaps, you might just be able to salvage the relationship.

There is another anecdote I want to share with you.


When I was training to be an adult educator and I'd presented the aims and objectives of the lesson, then got into the subject matter, if I asked a student a question and they couldn't answer, then I would ask another the same question. If they could answer I had explained it properly. If I asked the same question to student two and student three and they couldn't answer either, that meant I had to explain it again as I had got it wrong.

What you have here is many of the "students" not giving you the answers you wanted, so you have to go back to yourself. I truly want to be helpful, as a person who second guesses herself all of the time, sometimes the best advice isn't the advice that you want to hear, but the advice that you should hear.

 

[Noorza]

You shouldn't tell your Mum about rows and stuff, it could be very upsetting for her.

I know everyone with dementia is different, but if enough bad stuff is dripped, they can latch onto it and repeat it. If she repeats it to the neighbour/carer it could make the neighbour/carer think what is the point of her helping only to have someone she loves slagged off. She could walk.

I wouldn't do it, if only for that reason.

 

[Shash7677]

Nobody is condoning what the chap has done only saying we can understand why he would be miffed with you.

Noorza post hits the nail on the head I'm afraid.

How come mum wandered over to the neighbours? Does she wander often? Have you thought maybe of getting an alarm so if she does go out without your knowledge then it alerts someone to the fact who can ring you?

 

[worriedson1]

I know everyone with dementia is different, but if enough bad stuff is dripped, they can latch onto it and repeat it. If she repeats it to the neighbour/carer it could make the neighbour/carer think what is the point of her helping only to have someone she loves slagged off. She could walk.

I wouldn't do it, if only for that reason.

My mum is still a human being and that was her opinion of that guy.

 

[worriedson1]

Nobody is condoning what the chap has done only saying we can understand why he would be miffed with you.

Noorza post hits the nail on the head I'm afraid.

How come mum wandered over to the neighbours? Does she wander often? Have you thought maybe of getting an alarm so if she does go out without your knowledge then it alerts someone to the fact who can ring you?

Oh no no This time she ON PURPOSE went to talk to the neghbour to chat with him as he was in his garden. she has wanderd a couple of times from what i been told. maybe 3 times.

 

[worriedson1]

I'm really sorry, but the boyfriend sounds defensive of how much he thinks his girlfriend does for you and that it is taking the mickey. You may not believe that but that is how it is coming across to an outsider.

I have never taken anyone for granted.

 

[worriedson1]

I am definitely not looking down at you worried son, I have made many mistakes, unwittingly. We all have as carers for people with this horrible disease I am sure. I took Mum to the bank once and she asked the bank manager how to make things easier when the time came, he said put the funeral money in joint names so I could access it straight away. Mum agreed signed off on the paperwork (this was over a year ago before I realised it was dementia).

After that she went into hospital, when she came out she became convinced I had stolen her bank account and hasn't really trusted me since. I screwed up. I didn't realise her memory had gotten so bad, I didn't realise it was dementia. I regret it to this day.


I just say this to you to let you know we are here to support each other, none of us have all the answers, most of us if not all have made bad calls, all of us feel guilty for something or another.

We seriously do understand how hard it is.

Having said all that I really think you have read this situation all wrong. You have said the words, but haven't ever followed that up with a gift. You are criticising the boyfriend when your mother's dementia is affecting his life. I can imagine he has had words with his girlfriend about the amount of time she spends with your mum. If I were the neighbour I would feel that the text you sent was absolutely taking the micky. That was her night off and you're in the pub putting the responsibility of your mum on to her whether intentionally or unintentionally, that's what you did.

Then you are getting into it with this Good Samaritan's boyfriend when you should be shutting your mouth knowing that you should be so grateful to the both of them, her for doing the role and him for letting her give up their couple time in favour of your mother.

I'm sorry to say but you are driving away a person who most of us would give our eye teeth to have on our side giving us help.

I truly am not saying this to be nasty but if you can see how you have contributed to this unhappy situation, then perhaps, you might just be able to salvage the relationship.

There is another anecdote I want to share with you.


When I was training to be an adult educator and I'd presented the aims and objectives of the lesson, then got into the subject matter, if I asked a student a question and they couldn't answer, then I would ask another the same question. If they could answer I had explained it properly. If I asked the same question to student two and student three and they couldn't answer either, that meant I had to explain it again as I had got it wrong.

What you have here is many of the "students" not giving you the answers you wanted, so you have to go back to yourself. I truly want to be helpful, as a person who second guesses herself all of the time, sometimes the best advice isn't the advice that you want to hear, but the advice that you should hear.

The Way her fellah spoke to me was abhorrent and at the very very least he could or should have said stuff like look there been a mix up, there seems to be misunderstnding let's tslk about it but NOOOOOOO he steams in talks smack and make the situation WORSE, he has to take responsibilty for that.

"I truly am not saying this to be nasty but if you can see how you have contributed to this unhappy situation, then perhaps, you might just be able to salvage the relationship."

So has he contributed badly to the situation that is SO CLEAR.

 

[Noorza]

The Way her fellah spoke to me was abhorrent and at the very very least he could or should have said stuff like look there been a mix up, there seems to be misunderstnding let's tslk about it but NOOOOOOO he steams in talks smack and make the situation WORSE, he has to take responsibilty for that.

"I truly am not saying this to be nasty but if you can see how you have contributed to this unhappy situation, then perhaps, you might just be able to salvage the relationship."

So has he contributed badly to the situation that is SO CLEAR.

Do you still want to have the neighbour helping you to care for your mum? I am not going to continue to go over what has happened. I want to focus on what you want to happen from this point onwards.

 

[Shash7677]

You're missing the point completely.

Yes boyfriend was wrong for the way he has behaved but you are also guilty of being in the wrong. The message you sent would have wound anyone up, if you we're confident mum was going to be ok you wouldn't have needed to send it.

People don't like to feel as though they have or are being taken advantage of. She may have volunteered to help out in the early days but did she realise it would be a daily/weekly thing? She already has a paid roll as a home help, does she really want to come home to being told your mum is left alone?

My husband used to go bonkers with the amount of time I spent looking for my mum, going to bath mum, appointments for her, visits to the psych unit, mum and dad being at ours every day and all weekend and that's his own in laws! It was my mum I was dealing with. Now I know, if my neighbours were poorly and I was round there sorting them instead of being in my own house doing the jobs that need doing, having a night together ruined because you feel obliged to make sure someone is ok I know full we'll he would have something to say about it.

Put yourself in his position, sit down to watch a film 'oh hang on I've got to check Mrs WS' sit down for breakfast beep beep beep beep, text,' just to let you know mums on her own I'm away to Edinburgh with a friend!, I myself would be thinking FFS and I dare say neighbours boyfriend thought the same. As I've said before, you may not have asked for her to check in on mum (maybe because you we're afraid of what she may say about you being out for the day) but the implication is there.

I would strongly suggest in future if you have a day out you arrange for someone to look after mum well in advance of the event. For example, my 6 year old has a football tournament next Sunday, my MIL was asked a month ago if she minded looking after my daughter for the afternoon whilst I go and watch him play. I'd never dream of ringing her and saying 'Val, els on her own, just off to Ibstock to watch ry play footy' yes I k ow she is 2 but leaving a dementia sufferer is almost like leaving a child, you wouldn't do it.

Another example, we are off to Gullivers Kingdom on 1st September and we have a puppy, he will be 6 months by then. I've asked my dad tonight if he minds if I take the dog to his for the day and have him over night. It's unfair to leave him crated on his own from 9am-7pm without access to a loo or food and drink or to be able to stretch his legs. It's cruel so we make arrangements. Dads happy to have him but if he weren't I would put him in the kennels for a couple of nights so I know he would be ok. That's what I do for a dog, a dog!! 3 weeks in advance of going. Again, I'd never dream of texting dad and saying 'coopers on his own from now until 7/8pm I'm off out. The first thing my dad would do is ring and shout at me for not asking him to have the dog instead of leaving him and then say he would either take him home with him or keep checking him. How you can still, after everything everyone has said after your outings, think its ok to leave your mum all day is beyond me totally.

She has dementia, she cannot look after herself, you are her carer, it is up to you to make arrangements to ensure when you go away for the day/weekend that she will be properly cared for. Leaving numbers by a phone, not acceptable, texting a neighbour, not acceptable. As has been said what is wrong with doing what others do and pay for extra care/ask SS for help with extra care/ arrange respite for when you go away/a day centre if you are out for the day.

Home help neighbour has probably just had enough, she moaned to boyfriend and now he's had enough of listening and has erupted. You need to clear the air for sure, you need to apologise for the text, condolences for their loss and a bunch of flowers as a peace offering. You don't need to loose her as a friend but in the same token she can't feel put on, whether that be your intention or not.

Everyone needs a break of course they do but appropriate care needs to be arranges for you mum whilst you take that break. Instead of scooting off as I've said before ask if mum can attend a day centre once/twice a week to give you a break. Respite for a week so you get a holiday and you have family, why not text them instead of neighbour? Again, I think you would be afraid of their response.

We know you love your mum, we know you do your best but there's a limit to what others will do, especially when all the help is out there.

 

[worriedson1]

you're missing the point completely.

Yes boyfriend was wrong for the way he has behaved but you are also guilty of being in the wrong. The message you sent would have wound anyone up, if you we're confident mum was going to be ok you wouldn't have needed to send it.

People don't like to feel as though they have or are being taken advantage of. She may have volunteered to help out in the early days but did she realise it would be a daily/weekly thing? She already has a paid roll as a home help, does she really want to come home to being told your mum is left alone?

My husband used to go bonkers with the amount of time i spent looking for my mum, going to bath mum, appointments for her, visits to the psych unit, mum and dad being at ours every day and all weekend and that's his own in laws! It was my mum i was dealing with. Now i know, if my neighbours were poorly and i was round there sorting them instead of being in my own house doing the jobs that need doing, having a night together ruined because you feel obliged to make sure someone is ok i know full we'll he would have something to say about it.

Put yourself in his position, sit down to watch a film 'oh hang on i've got to check mrs ws' sit down for breakfast beep beep beep beep, text,' just to let you know mums on her own i'm away to edinburgh with a friend!, i myself would be thinking ffs and i dare say neighbours boyfriend thought the same. As i've said before, you may not have asked for her to check in on mum (maybe because you we're afraid of what she may say about you being out for the day) but the implication is there.

I would strongly suggest in future if you have a day out you arrange for someone to look after mum well in advance of the event. For example, my 6 year old has a football tournament next sunday, my mil was asked a month ago if she minded looking after my daughter for the afternoon whilst i go and watch him play. I'd never dream of ringing her and saying 'val, els on her own, just off to ibstock to watch ry play footy' yes i k ow she is 2 but leaving a dementia sufferer is almost like leaving a child, you wouldn't do it.

Another example, we are off to gullivers kingdom on 1st september and we have a puppy, he will be 6 months by then. I've asked my dad tonight if he minds if i take the dog to his for the day and have him over night. It's unfair to leave him crated on his own from 9am-7pm without access to a loo or food and drink or to be able to stretch his legs. It's cruel so we make arrangements. Dads happy to have him but if he weren't i would put him in the kennels for a couple of nights so i know he would be ok. That's what i do for a dog, a dog!! 3 weeks in advance of going. Again, i'd never dream of texting dad and saying 'coopers on his own from now until 7/8pm i'm off out. The first thing my dad would do is ring and shout at me for not asking him to have the dog instead of leaving him and then say he would either take him home with him or keep checking him. How you can still, after everything everyone has said after your outings, think its ok to leave your mum all day is beyond me totally.

She has dementia, she cannot look after herself, you are her carer, it is up to you to make arrangements to ensure when you go away for the day/weekend that she will be properly cared for. Leaving numbers by a phone, not acceptable, texting a neighbour, not acceptable. As has been said what is wrong with doing what others do and pay for extra care/ask ss for help with extra care/ arrange respite for when you go away/a day centre if you are out for the day.

Home help neighbour has probably just had enough, she moaned to boyfriend and now he's had enough of listening and has erupted. You need to clear the air for sure, you need to apologise for the text, condolences for their loss and a bunch of flowers as a peace offering. You don't need to loose her as a friend but in the same token she can't feel put on, whether that be your intention or not.

Everyone needs a break of course they do but appropriate care needs to be arranges for you mum whilst you take that break. Instead of scooting off as i've said before ask if mum can attend a day centre once/twice a week to give you a break. Respite for a week so you get a holiday and you have family, why not text them instead of neighbour? Again, i think you would be afraid of their response.

We know you love your mum, we know you do your best but there's a limit to what others will do, especially when all the help is out there.

i did not imply anything!! That was not in my thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!! At all none whatsoever!!!!!!

 

[Shash7677]

No but that's how she read it. This is what I mean, you may not have meant it but that's how it has been taken.

How are you going to go forward with this? Are you going to speak to her?

 

[worriedson1]

No but that's how she read it. This is what I mean, you may not have meant it but that's how it has been taken.

How are you going to go forward with this? Are you going to speak to her?

After how her boyfriend has conducted him self and with his threats!!!!!.

Hmmm...