Casting up

[worriedson1]

Has anyone ever had a friend and/or relative who has helped you out with looking after your mum/dad, doing lots and lots of good deeds ie cleaing the house, bringing meals round etc and due to some disagreement/argument/whatever....

"The Helper" suddlenly casts up to you, in your face by saying how much they did for you and all the good things.

To me when someone does that, it sadly for good taints the good they did as when you help some one you do it out the goodness of your heart and dont do it to Big yourself up about.

Discuss!!.

 

[Fed Up]

This is hard but there is two sides to this and my reaction was did the helper know just how much their efforts were appreciated ?
Because if not then I'm not sure you are really right. We all need feedback and praise selfless is one thing a dogs body another. I'm not implying your wrong just asking a question.
I felt hard done by on lots of occasions and had a go at relatives who did little had no idea of the stress involved so perhaps can see another side to this. A chat between the two people involved might clear the air and help everyone understand how hard caring is.
Its not about being bigged up its about being noticed sometimes.

 

[worriedson1]

This is hard but there is two sides to this and my reaction was did the helper know just how much their efforts were appreciated ?
Because if not then I'm not sure you are really right. We all need feedback and praise selfless is one thing a dogs body another. I'm not implying your wrong just asking a question.
I felt hard done by on lots of occasions and had a go at relatives who did little had no idea of the stress involved so perhaps can see another side to this. A chat between the two people involved might clear the air and help everyone understand how hard caring is.
Its not about being bigged up its about being noticed sometimes.

"my reaction was did the helper know just how much their efforts were appreciated ?"

100% yes, i constantly told her thanks so much, she was a great help etc

 

[Jessbow]

Perhaps she was doing it to help you 'get on top of things' and then hoped you'd continue...and you didn't.

Friends will only give/do so much, and are free to walk away at anytime.

Maybe they didn't feel appreciated, maybe they felt taken for granted.

What did you disagree/argue about?

 

[Shash7677]

Now I'm wondering if this is the home help neighbour or cousins wife you are referring to here?

I may be wrong but I'm going to wait to find out before I comment so I don't bark up the wrong tree.

Sharon

 

[worriedson1]

Now I'm wondering if this is the home help neighbour or cousins wife you are referring to here?

I may be wrong but I'm going to wait to find out before I comment so I don't bark up the wrong tree.

Sharon

Home Help Neighbour, who was constantly thanked and told how appreciated she was.

 

[worriedson1]

Perhaps she was doing it to help you 'get on top of things' and then hoped you'd continue...and you didn't.

Friends will only give/do so much, and are free to walk away at anytime.

Maybe they didn't feel appreciated, maybe they felt taken for granted.

What did you disagree/argue about?

"Perhaps she was doing it to help you 'get on top of things' and then hoped you'd continue...and you didn't."

- That was not the case at all, we did not have home helps at the time and at one point my mum was in the hospital for a week for a half due to a broken ar, this is all pre home helps, my mum got home helps AFTER she came out of hospital.



"Maybe they didn't feel appreciated, maybe they felt taken for granted."

- She were constantly thanked and told how appreciated she was by both my mum and i.

"What did you disagree/argue about?" Long story trust me.

When you do a good deed(s) you do it from the pure of your heart and not to have "look how much i have done for you" big attitude.

 

[worriedson1]

Has anyone been on the end of such shocking casting up?? any other similair experiences??

 

[rajahh]

I have had it the other way round. I used to have a neighbours child in every afternoon after school for months and one day she told me I never had time for anyone!!!..

I suspect I have always been a " giver" and have always found it hard to accept help. I do think it is a fault not to be able to accept help so well done to you for allowing people to help you. It is just sad that they then turn on you

Jeannette

 

[worriedson1]

I have had it the other way round. I used to have a neighbours child in every afternoon after school for months and one day she told me I never had time for anyone!!!..

I suspect I have always been a " giver" and have always found it hard to accept help. I do think it is a fault not to be able to accept help so well done to you for allowing people to help you. It is just sad that they then turn on you

Jeannette

"It is just sad that they then turn on you"

What makes people be like that??.

Sorry to hear of your experience

 

[worriedson1]

My friend who is irish and i told him about it and other stuff was quite frankly disgusted as he said in ireland if anything happens its a case of his relatives saying pretty much of "No Questions asked, All hands on deck, we are famly and we are here to HELP you".

 

[ellejay]

any other similair experiences??

Years ago I had a neighbour/ friend who was constantly trying to catch up on her household chores & I helped when I could.

One day she had stacks of laundry to do & I offered to do it for her so she could catch up with other stuff. She was very pleased & did say thank you to me. I waded through loads of laundry glad that I could help remove that worry from her.

I know my help should have been without condition, but when I realised she hadn't in fact got on with other chores but had met her friends for socialising, I admit to feeling a bit "used".

I probably shouldn't have, but I did.

This is only to give another perspective.

Lin x

 

[worriedson1]

All Experiences welcome to this thread let us all discuss.

 

[rajahh]

I remember once offering to do ironing for a husband of a friend of mine when she was in hospital giving birth. He brought his cricket whites for me to iron as well!!!!

Must admit I struggled with that one.

 

[worriedson1]

I really have to repeat this...

My friend who is irish and i told him about it and other stuff was quite frankly disgusted as he said in ireland if anything happens its a case of his relatives saying pretty much of "No Questions asked, All hands on deck, we are famly and we are here to HELP you".

 

[Jess26]

Shame it's all gone pear shaped between the two of you.

I was cofused by the title of this thread. 'casting up' is not an expression I've ever heard before.

 

[ellejay]

I really have to repeat this...

My friend who is irish and i told him about it and other stuff was quite frankly disgusted as he said in ireland if anything happens its a case of his relatives saying pretty much of "No Questions asked, All hands on deck, we are famly and we are here to HELP you".

This should always be the case. The operative word being HELP. The problems, I think, come when the "helper" (rightly or wrongly) begins to feel that their contribution is not being matched by the "helpee"

Saints we aint

Lin x

 

[meme]

I do know the expression casting off (in knitting)!!...if someone doesn't feel appreciated then you need to find a different way to let them know they are...if the help is for your mum and therefore helps you I would keep them sweet!!!

 

[jstmcm]

Shame it's all gone pear shaped between the two of you.

I was cofused by the title of this thread. 'casting up' is not an expression I've ever heard before.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who didn't know the expression. I googled it and found that it is an expression mainly used in Scotland. I'm a southerner so I guess it hasn't travelled down here.

Worriedson1, it seems to me that it is difficult for us to understand what might have caused the person to say what she did without knowing what the argument was about. It sounds as if the helper was angry about something else then used the "after all I've done" line in the heat of the argument.

I have certainly been in situations when two people have had completely opposite interpretations of the same events. For example, when I got engaged, it unfortunately co-incided with the time when the girl I shared an office with had just had a very painful break-up with the man she thought she was going to marry. (Everyone else could tell that was never going to happen, but that's another story.) I was very aware that my news would be "rubbing salt into the wounds" for her, and after the initial announcement, I was very careful never to bring up the subject of my forthcoming wedding. However, I couldn't stop other people asking me about it so inevitably she did sometimes hear conversations about it. One day she accused me of continuously going on about my wedding to deliberately upset her. I had definitely not done that, but clearly for her any mention of it by anyone was too much, and my replying to someone else's question counted as me "continuously going on about it". She was not aware of the many times I had wanted to make some reference to it and had not done so, to spare her feelings.

It may be that while from your point of view you have continually thanked the helper, they haven't noticed all the praise and don't feel they have been thanked enough. However, when people are angry and having an argument all kinds of things are said which are not really meant or not really true, so that may be what happened here too.

 

[Shash7677]

Hi Worriedson,

Thanks for clarifying. From your previous posts your home help neighbour has done a lot to help you out with your mum hasn't she andhassad things to you before about what you should and shouldn't be doing.

Without being mean maybe she's just fed up of being relied upon or maybe she constantly worries about mum as previously you hadn't accepted help other than from her. Don't get me wrong I know you have a cleaner in a I believe carers now which nobody can knock you for and I certainly wouldn't.

Obviously we don't know what's led to this outburst from her, people generally don't just go off on one for no reason, maybe it's been building up and up and finally she flipped? It happens to us all, I freaked out this morning at my sons constant winding up of his sister, enough to make her shriek and him thinking that the world revolves around him and what he wants to do. He's 6!!!

I know it's difficult when you feel that all anyone does is criticise and I know you've had your fair share of criticism in the past, hands held high, I've been one to criticise. Maybe you need to sit down and talk to your neighbour, ask her if she has any advice for you instead of speaking to you the way she has.

It's pretty hard to comment when you don't know what's triggered it. How many years as she been helping with mum? Sharon