Casbow's Diary.

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,002
Colchester
I do hope that today's planned visit was a good one for you both Casbow x
Having written a message already I will start again. The visit went ok at the home yesterday with social worker and Senior manger. They said David had been difficult the last few days. Was quite violent and wouldn't allow personal care. Meaning they had to use a bit of force to get his bottom changed as it couldn't be left. I understand that. They can leave a lot of things but not that. He has also been trying to escape out of the fire escape door and needed a lot of talking down. And he keeps going into other residents rooms. Which is difficult as the ones in their rooms are very poorly. Also he is not eating well and not drinking enough. I visited him after the meeting and he was still in bed but had been changed down below. He then went back to bed. I finally got him out of bed and washed him. He cleaned his teeth (after i showed him where his mouth is,) and then we sat for a while. But he didn't seem to know it was me although i had managed to get him sorted. So then he kept walking off and i noticed that he had one to one care following him and watching him. so not so bad except I thought he had gone a bit backwards to what he was like the first week. Today i phoned and the carer said he was sitting in the lounge watching a film.!! So very unpredictable at the moment.xxx
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,337
Kent
There's not much anyone can say Casbow. It's as good as it can be I think. The only saving grace is, as I found, you have someone to share the caring.
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,557
Ireland
There's not much anyone can say Casbow. It's as good as it can be I think. The only saving grace is, as I found, you have someone to share the caring.
Yep. It's not just Casbow, on her own, trying to cope with everything.
Rotten ol' dementia!
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,002
Colchester
Thinking if you. Love and hugs M xxx :D
Better visit today. He was really calm and and lovely. Away with the fairies. But i can cope with that.He was wearing clothes that were not his. And no slippers. I asked a member of staff if they could find some of his clothes in the laundry. He has 5 pairs of trousers and 5 shirts so there should be some in his wardrobe. Anyway back this chap came with 3 of each saying sorry but the laundry was short staffed. I used to work in care home and have visited the laundry a lot of times to find a residents clothes. Why could someone have not done that. Anyway no shoes. Probably been taken by another confused resident. His name is in them so I suppose they will turn up. In the meantime I will take some more in. I hope you all had a nice day.xxx
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,557
Ireland
So glad to hear things were better. I suppose there are bound to be off days. And how are you, Casbow?
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,002
Colchester
So glad to hear things were better. I suppose there are bound to be off days. And how are you, Casbow?
I'm doing ok thank you. I feel very emotional over anything an everything. But I am feeling fairly ok and look forward to my visits to see him even if they are not always good. Today when I said I love you do you love me me, he said 'of course I do.' Thats good enough for me.xxxx
 

Lilac Blossom

Registered User
Oct 6, 2014
544
Scotland
Casbow - Like you, it's early days for me too. Hubby is being well looked after as far as I can see but sometimes he says "it's not like home" and it breaks my heart when I come back home alone. I was determined this would not happen, that somehow I would manage to carry on but dementia decreed otherwise. I have no family here, ie no-one simply popping in from time to time which I think would make a difference, just having a wee chat.

This is your diary Casbow and I would not wish to take up too much space. (I am not so good at diary posting but maybe should start a separate thread.)

I hope that you have many more of those precious moments.

Best wishes to you xx
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,002
Colchester
Hello Lilac Blossom. I am happy to share my diary with you. My husband has only been in nursing home for 2 weeks and four days. It is i think going ok. Difficult, as he is different each time when i visit. Its his birthday tomorrow and a friend is visiting with me. Fingers crossed all will be ok. It is very hard to come home alone and feeling like maybe I could have gone on a bit longer.The guilt will never go away. I did my best for 10 years but it wasn't enough. I think about him all the time. Wondering if he is happy in his own little world or angry and restless and pacing about. But I cannot know can I.?!!!xxx
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,002
Colchester
Hello Lilac Blossom. I am happy to share my diary with you. My husband has only been in nursing home for 2 weeks and four days. It is i think going ok. Difficult, as he is different each time when i visit. Its his birthday tomorrow and a friend is visiting with me. Fingers crossed all will be ok. It is very hard to come home alone and feeling like maybe I could have gone on a bit longer.The guilt will never go away. I did my best for 10 years but it wasn't enough. I think about him all the time. Wondering if he is happy in his own little world or angry and restless and pacing about. But I cannot know can I.?!!!xxx
Had a good visit for his birthday. My friend came with me and the home made a birthday cake. but i was upset be because neither of our sons sent him a card. I e mailed them both the same e mail at the same time and once again have now fallen out with youngest son. Eldest has not replied but he is on holiday possibily with no signal. Youngest son has told me in no uncertain terms that he doesn't do cards and never has and whats the point anyway. Usually his lovely wife does all that stuff and not him. He has already said that he won't visit his dad. I feel that I just can't deal with my youngest son anymore. He seems so unkind. So couldn't care less. So sod you mum get on with it. He suffers with serious depression but I cannot come to terms with that being a good enough reason to treat his dad as already dead. So desperately sad and upset. How much more misery is there.x
 

LadyA

Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
13,557
Ireland
Oh Casbow, I'm so sorry. Maybe he feels that dealing with it like this will in some way protect him from hurt when his dad dies, but that's no help to you. Maybe it's the little boy in him, bewildered that "my big brave daddy" has turned out not, after all, to be immortal. Who knows? But that doesn't change the fact that you need his support and aren't getting it. Hugs to you. xx
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
5,485
Chester
Casbow - so sorry to read this attitude from your youngest.

My brother suffers from depression and this causes him to withdraw from difficult things, so dealing with clearing my mum's house (which he promised he'd do) and then selling it (which later on I asked him to do) didn't happen as they should. I ended up clearing the house (300 miles from me, 100 from my brother - I could only go for 24 hours at a time - he was meant to do it as mum came to live near me and he wasn't working). With my mum's house sale, I was emailing him to find out what was happening and he was just ignoring me as he hadn't done what he should.

It had a big impact on both me and my children, when at the time they needed me, as I couldn't deal with everything, and I can never forgive him for that, and when my mum dies I will cut all contact.

He seems so unkind. So couldn't care less. So sod you mum get on with it.
This is exactly how my brother comes across in total. I know he is ill but that isn't my fault, and ultimately he has always been very self centred and it isn't nice.

I do sympathise with you, there is little that you can do about it apart from encourage his wife to make sure he gets treatment.
 

Roseleigh

Registered User
Dec 26, 2016
291
Casbow I feel for you too and our youngest (also a son) is very unsupportive. He also has a certain amount of mild anxiety and depression issues, mostly work related. He has said to me he has to put his own needs first! Perhaps your son feels the same, that he just cannot cope? If he has never sent cards the past either its not worth making a big deal over that particular point.

Of course it's difficult to separate this from general selfishness. But I dont think it's worth quarreling with your child over it, better to lower your expectations. As parents we after all must shoulder some of the blame if we've raised a selfish twonk! If on the other hand they genuinely cannot cope, then there is hope for change when they are in a happier place. Keep communication open. You will hurt yourself more if you don't. Also don't risk alienating your DIL too, which taking a hard line probably will.
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,002
Colchester
Once again i thank you all so much for your comments, advice, and understanding. It wasn't that long ago they my son and I had our last falling out. Thing is ,it is more complicated than just me coping with his depression. I feel that the day he packed in a stable well paid managerial job with a nationwide company and decided to set up his own business was the day that a huge mistake was made. I feel that a person working alone day after day, with no one to help is not a natural way to work and in his case was certainly not a good thing. He has had massive hang ups since a small boy because he has ginger hair. Nothing i say or do can ever make that feeling he has go away. He even blames his hair colour on not getting a job as an ambulance person. At the age of 47 he is still just as distressed by his hair. And this seems to have made him put a very thick shell around himself and no one can hurt him. But he hurts other members of the family and doesn't seem to care. I don't know what else to say. I have 2 sons and they are about as different as to brothers can be. Now I am left without anyone to call on for support as my other son lives to far away to pop in.By the way the other birthday cards arrived today.!!!