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Sharon 2209

New member
Jun 6, 2021
Hello, I have just joined the forum. I am sole carer for my 85 year old mother who was diagnosed with vascular dementia last September. She lives with me and I am working ( self employed). She is verbally very aggressive towards me ams I am finding it increasingly difficult to manage. She has refused to have carers and so I am left to manage her the best I can. I have little support and was glad to find this forum.


Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
N Ireland
Hello @Sharon 2209, you are welcome here and I hope you find the forum to be a friendly and supportive place.

I hope you have time to take a good look around the site as it is a goldmine for information. When I first joined I read old threads for information but then found the AS Publications list and the page where a post code search can be done to check for support services in ones own area. If you are interested in these, clicking the following links will take you there



You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

On the subject of aggression, you shouldn't have to put up with that. I wonder if your mother would accept help from the GP for that.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.


Registered User
May 21, 2018
Hello @Sharon 2209 and welcome from me too.

My mum is in the late stages of vascular dementia now and has been in a specialist care home for some years. I looked after her myself for a couple of years before that and, although I didn't live with her, spent every day with her. She could be extremely aggressive too and I know it must be very painful and difficult for you. I think sometimes the person with dementia can resent needing help and is often frightened by what is happening to them (even if they are not sure what it is) and all their frustrations are taken out on those nearest to them.

Is your mum on any medication? As @karaokePete mentions, your mum's GP may be able to help with that. An anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication can be beneficial. Mirtazapine worked up to a point for my mum, although it wasn't prescribed until after she went into care. We have found regular reviews of medication to be essential along the way. Sometimes even regular paracetamol could make a difference. Are there any obvious triggers for the aggression that you have noticed? Pain, hunger/thirst, constipation, dehydration, needing the loo, tiredness, urine infection can all cause aggression. It's always worth looking for a physical cause.

Mum wouldn't accept carers either. I managed to arrange some after she came out of hospital once but she soon got rid of them. Some members have had success by introducing a carer as a friend/neighbour/local person who really needs a job and making out that the person with dementia would actually be helping them out. Would your mum be persuaded by that?

There are lots of us out here to help you along so keep posting for support and advice, or just to tell us how you are getting on. This link might be useful:

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