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Caring When Carer Needs Care


Registered User
Dec 15, 2013
I'm new here and have just had a really dreadful fortnight. My mum was recently diagnosed with AD but my Dad has been caring for her mobility needs for years. The complications came about two and a half weeks ago when my father went into hospital for a knee replacement operation. I went to stay with my parents for the first two weeks to provide support while dad was in hospital and when he came out as they live a significant distance away from us. Things started well, but when dad came out of hospital 2 days later, it was as if there was a competition for my attention. Then dad had complications with bowel/bladder, and because mum has significant disabilities I needed to help him on a practical level. Complications got worse and ended up with dad going back into hospital in ambulance two days later. It was all quite traumatic without the AD. However, after that, Mum resented everything I did. I was running round trying as hard as possible to keep everything to the normal routine whilst taking mum to visit at the hospital. By the end of 10 days mum would;t talk to me, and then told my sister that I was shutting her out and taking over. She also accused me of shouting at her and telling her to leave. I was so upset, as I'd tried so hard. My brother has just been there for a week, and I'm due to go back this week (as Dad still needs care and can't drive for quite a while yet).

I'm just anxious to do the right thing as far as possible, and to try and avoid getting upset myself. It's hard as Mum has mobility needs that mean she struggles regardless of the AD.


Registered User
Aug 24, 2010
North Yorkshire
Love & Support & Welcome

Hello Raz , ( sorry for shortening your name ! ) & a BIG WELCOME :) to Talking Point & hope you find it as helpful & friendly as I have done ( my Dad has Dementia )

Am sorry you are having a hard time caring for 2 Parent's ! , not easy & sounds like you did a great Job :) especially as your Dad was rushed back into Hospital :( Please see below for some helpful tips on how to cope with caring :

** Carer's Assessment via your local S Worker , the idea is a S Worker will help You Care for your Mum in a way that will be easier for you & your Mum or your Dad could / should be involved in this once he has recovered THAT would make sense as he is your Mum's MAIN Carer , BUT you could phone S Worker etc to get the help started etc ( look in Phone Book Adult Social Care )

** Local Altz / Dementia Support Worker ..... Look on the main Altz Web Page under Local Help ** & you should ( hopefully ) find contact details A Support Worker should be able to help you & should offer advice on how to cope with your Mum E G Day Care etc so you can have a break or help care for your Dad ( how long will you be caring for your Parents ? )

** Altz Society have a help line Number

0300 ---- 222---1122

Open 9 0 ---- 5 00 Week days or Sat 10 .00 ---- 4 00

Hope this helps & also go on the Web Page Carer's Trust they are a special Group who care for the Carer's :) There might be a local contact near where your Mum lives or where you live ? They will be able to offer a shoulder to cry on etc , etc ( if a office is there )

Please keep posting & tell us how you get on & healthy vibes your Dad gets better soon & is Home before too long & hope this helps ! & sure other T P'ers will offer more help soon

Love & Hugs Love Grove x
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Volunteer Moderator
Jul 14, 2006
South Staffordshire
Hi Razouski and welcome to the forum.

It is not easy dealing with dementia and with the added problem of your poor Dad and his operation then things are not going to be easy. You are doing ok and your Mum is displaying some of the behaviour you can expect from a sufferer. Easy to say and difficult to do but please don't take to heart what she is saying. Most of us have experienced it at some time or other.

Grove has given you some good advice and information and please keep coming to the forum for help and advice or just a chat to get anything of your chest, we are here to help each other.

Take care,



Registered User
Feb 10, 2010
Please speak to either SW Dept or your mum's GP. I am wondering whether they could arrange for urgent respite for your mum. This would give you the time to focus on your dad's immediate needs so that he can recover properly. If they don't do something then they will end up with two people needing care and support. If respite isn't possible then insist that your mum goes for day care at the very least.

Don't worry too much about your mum complaining. It must be confusing for her having all these people coming and going and not fully understanding why. If you are struggling with coping with your mum and all her needs, it might be time for a family chat to decide what needs to happen to help your dad out. It sounds like carers might, if nothing else, help your dad with some of the more physical work associated with caring for your mum.



Registered User
Dec 15, 2013
thanks for all the support. My brother had a week taking a turn and he developed a much more effective strategy. I have always tried too hard to make sure everything is right, and although that's what I would have done in the past, I guess this was making Mum feel that I was taking over and belittling her.
I have just come back from another week with them and worked hard on not try too hard. So rather than pre-empting the jobs that my dad would have done for himself or mum, I left things alone and waited to be asked, or gave a general, "If there's anything I can do to help just let me know." This left Mum feeling more in control, however it did mean, on occassion, watching her struggle physically to do things because of her rheumatoid arthritis. I was even wary of doing things I used to do to care for her about 30 years ago, as she now needs to feel her own independence.
I've learnt a lot, and also learnt to be able to assign some of the behaviour to Big Al rather than to Mum and stopped taking things personally.:)

Once Dad is better we certainly need to think about what respite care he can access, but I have to let them sort that out in the first instance so that Mum doesn't feel undermined again.