caring plays havoc with your emotions and mental state

[totallyconfused]

Big possiblility of my mother going to a home next year as I dont think I can keep going anymore. I dont think I have another year in me.This year broke me to be honest.

This has scared me though. I jsut cant seem to see a future for myself-where do I go, what do I do?I feel I have nothing to offer in terms of work but also to any chance of a relationship. Caring has taken over my life and I didnt take care of myself.How do I expect someone to be interested in me or the chance of work. Ive done alot in terms of caring but that doesnt really matter in terms of work unless I join a carer agency but I dont think I could do that straight away. I would need to take a huge break from that I would think.

Its been so hard for years and its not going to be easy for a long time yet.Its scary

 

[Cat27]

I felt the same way after my Dad died. I took some time to think & did some volunteering which led to a job. It’s never too late & the skills from ring a carer translate into lots of jobs.

 

[Philbo]

I think it's all too easy to underestimate the impact, both physically and mentally, that caring has on you?

When I first started really having to care for my wife over 6 years ago, I never envisaged it would be such a long journey. In a rare (for me) act of decisiveness, I set about building a social life for us both (her long history of anxiety, stress and nerve issues meant we didn't really have many good friends).

It has helped keep me sane during this time but recently, she has progressed rapidly to needing permanent care in a nursing home. So perversely, although the physical responsibilities have gone, the mental impact of her going into care has hit hard.

Having to leave her there, trusting others to do the caring is one aspect, but harder still is being on my own after 48 years of marriage (we are both only 69). Our friends are supportive and there for me but the majority are couples, which I didn't really think about all the time my wife was with me (in body, if not in mind). Now seeing them together is a stark reminder of what I've lost?

To some extent, these last 6 years have dampened my emotions and I guess the continuous "brave face" has hardened my outlook. I may do some volunteering to help broaden my horizons?

 

[kindred]

Big possiblility of my mother going to a home next year as I dont think I can keep going anymore. I dont think I have another year in me.This year broke me to be honest.

This has scared me though. I jsut cant seem to see a future for myself-where do I go, what do I do?I feel I have nothing to offer in terms of work but also to any chance of a relationship. Caring has taken over my life and I didnt take care of myself.How do I expect someone to be interested in me or the chance of work. Ive done alot in terms of caring but that doesnt really matter in terms of work unless I join a carer agency but I dont think I could do that straight away. I would need to take a huge break from that I would think.

Its been so hard for years and its not going to be easy for a long time yet.Its scary

all my thoughts and sympathy. Completely understand, caring does take over your life. I volunteer in the nursing home where my husband died and I have carved a place for myself there, if you see what I mean. The carers and residents and their families are a lot of my social life. I do feel wanted and loved. It is one possibility, not for everyone Iknow. You would need a huge break before joining a carer agency to do this full on, though, do agree there! Please may I ask how old you were and what was your career before you became a carer.
You have done so well, and for so long. all my thoughts, Kindred.

 

[totallyconfused]

all my thoughts and sympathy. Completely understand, caring does take over your life. I volunteer in the nursing home where my husband died and I have carved a place for myself there, if you see what I mean. The carers and residents and their families are a lot of my social life. I do feel wanted and loved. It is one possibility, not for everyone Iknow. You would need a huge break before joining a carer agency to do this full on, though, do agree there! Please may I ask how old you were and what was your career before you became a carer.
You have done so well, and for so long. all my thoughts, Kindred.

thanks for your reply

mid thirtites and trained in childcare

 

[kindred]

thanks for your reply

mid thirtites and trained in childcare

thank you. That is great! You are young and trained in childcare. I know it will take time for your confidence to come back but childcare training is so good. Need to find a way to check that these qualifications are up to date, and if not, to do some nursery volunteering and find things out from the staff there. The local library may be able to help with local opportunities to update your training if necessary.
when you are ready there will be opportunities for you.
warmest, Kindred

 

[totallyconfused]

thank you. That is great! You are young and trained in childcare. I know it will take time for your confidence to come back but childcare training is so good. Need to find a way to check that these qualifications are up to date, and if not, to do some nursery volunteering and find things out from the staff there. The local library may be able to help with local opportunities to update your training if necessary.
when you are ready there will be opportunities for you.
warmest, Kindred

thanks for the vote of confidence but I just cant feel it myself. Im heading back to counselling to help. A big part of me is embarrassed to be my age with no house, little money, no relationshio, no kids and only a tiny bit of travel to my name.

I always wanted kids but jsut cant see that happening now. Ive so much catching up to do.

Im jsut in a sad place. Counselling may help clear out my thoughts.

 

[Bunpoots]

I know it’s a little late for kids @totallyconfused if you haven’t found “the one” yet but I wouldn’t say too late. My sister was 39 when she had her first child and my SIL 43.
I’m a bit in no mans land at the moment but I think I can see the other side now, a year on from being dad’s main carer so I’ve just been through the “What on earth am I going to do?” stage.

I’m older than you and have children but I’m divorced and, having spent the last decade or so caring for others, am only now beginning to find myself again. I’d like a relationship and am just beginning to realise that I’m not a hopeless case...it’s taken me a year to even begin to feel that way. I’m considering counselling too. I think another perspective can help.

I agree with Kindred. There are always jobs in childcare. I ran my own childminding business for years and it brought in a decent income. I gave it up as it wasn’t compatible with caring for my dad.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Most people I know couldn’t, or wouldn’t look after someone with dementia. You have taken on one of the most difficult jobs anyone ever could, and at such a young age too. You should be proud.

Get your mum a place in a care home. You both need this then you can start to move forward with your life knowing that your mum is safe and you are still there looking out for her.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

thanks for the vote of confidence but I just cant feel it myself. Im heading back to counselling to help. A big part of me is embarrassed to be my age with no house, little money, no relationshio, no kids and only a tiny bit of travel to my name.

I always wanted kids but jsut cant see that happening now. Ive so much catching up to do.

Im jsut in a sad place. Counselling may help clear out my thoughts.

The emptiness you feel is normal given the amount of caring you have done. ifeel very similar, I have a house, marriage ( it’s on the rocks due to caring!) children & am self employed but feel similar to you.
what have I got to offer?

I think we are experiencing carers burn out ,
The adrenaline that’s kept us going has dissipated & it feels like not a lot is left.

you must be reading this & thinking to yourself how can this woman who has a home/ children/ husband/ job feel like that?
I ask myself the same questions on a regular basis?

yet I understand that empty feeling, & can’t see a way past that feeling!
I feel as if I have nothing to offer apart from what I have experienced with sorting out care etc.
It’s as if the person I was has melted away & this brittle fragile creature with little purpose just exists.
How to find new purpose? I don’t have that answer?

But I do know that I need to start respecting myself, & need to start liking myself. That means that I need to find the personality traits that make me me, not defined by caring & battling the care system.
I don’t think it’s going to be easy as I need to grieve & centre myself.

I’m going to take it easy for a while, but I do know that you need to do things you are passionate about & bring you pleasure.

You have a blank page to make new marks on, if you don’t like the marks either erase them or turn over to the next page. easy to say but harder to do.


take care & start to believe in you!
Xxx

 

[kindred]

The emptiness you feel is normal given the amount of caring you have done. ifeel very similar, I have a house, marriage ( it’s on the rocks due to caring!) children & am self employed but feel similar to you.
what have I got to offer?

I think we are experiencing carers burn out ,
The adrenaline that’s kept us going has dissipated & it feels like not a lot is left.

you must be reading this & thinking to yourself how can this woman who has a home/ children/ husband/ job feel like that?
I ask myself the same questions on a regular basis?

yet I understand that empty feeling, & can’t see a way past that feeling!
I feel as if I have nothing to offer apart from what I have experienced with sorting out care etc.
It’s as if the person I was has melted away & this brittle fragile creature with little purpose just exists.
How to find new purpose? I don’t have that answer?

But I do know that I need to start respecting myself, & need to start liking myself. That means that I need to find the personality traits that make me me, not defined by caring & battling the care system.
I don’t think it’s going to be easy as I need to grieve & centre myself.

I’m going to take it easy for a while, but I do know that you need to do things you are passionate about & bring you pleasure.

You have a blank page to make new marks on, if you don’t like the marks either erase them or turn over to the next page. easy to say but harder to do.


take care & start to believe in you!
Xxx

This is so true and so poignant. I think being carer for so long ends up defining us, and oh yes about a brittle fragile creature … finding purpose always so hard for us and for just about everyone I think. I'm a psychotherapist by profession and work with so many young people on finding a purpose, a meaning for their day to day lives. One day, when he was in the nursing home, my husband said to me, you are the kindest person I have ever known. and I replied, well, that's my job in life now then. I think purpose can be as simple as this.
Battling the care system reduces our confidence to zero. Or it did mine, anyway. I do not know why the social workers felt they had to be so cruel. I wasn't asking for anything. You are so right about doing things you care about, and that bring you pleasure, or used to. One way of looking at who we are is that we are what we repeatedly do (some ancient bloke said that). So before caring you might have danced, read, hiked and so you are a dancer, a reader, a hiker.
The smallest pleasure can be built on. There are such valuable responses in this thread. warmest, Kindred.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

This is so true and so poignant. I think being carer for so long ends up defining us, and oh yes about a brittle fragile creature … finding purpose always so hard for us and for just about everyone I think. I'm a psychotherapist by profession and work with so many young people on finding a purpose, a meaning for their day to day lives. One day, when he was in the nursing home, my husband said to me, you are the kindest person I have ever known. and I replied, well, that's my job in life now then. I think purpose can be as simple as this.
Battling the care system reduces our confidence to zero. Or it did mine, anyway. I do not know why the social workers felt they had to be so cruel. I wasn't asking for anything. You are so right about doing things you care about, and that bring you pleasure, or used to. One way of looking at who we are is that we are what we repeatedly do (some ancient bloke said that). So before caring you might have danced, read, hiked and so you are a dancer, a reader, a hiker.
The smallest pleasure can be built on. There are such valuable responses in this thread. warmest, Kindred.

True words, identifying yourself amongst all the emotional upheaval is difficult at times
Xx

 

[totallyconfused]

thanks for the replies, they have helped me feel less alone.

A big part of my struggle was my siblings not believing me for years and extended family turning up unnannounced telling me my mother is fine, I need to get a life etc

when you are already down, tired and lacking ocnfidence, these people really knocked me to the ground and I have found it hard to recover. I didnt look after myself at all and find it hard to even look at myself.No one asked was I ok or cared for me. I didnt care for myself.

I helped care for my dad when he was sick with cancer.He survived less than a year from diagnosis, my youngest sister started cancer treatment a week after his funeral. I deferred college a year to stay home. Our mother was declining and my sister deserved someone to help her through the days. She was 19 at the time. And now I have spent years caring for my mother so Im lost and trying to find myself again starts in January with counselling.

 

[Mydarlingdaughter]

You are in your 30s and have trained in childcare. That is wonderful and you will be fine. It is not easy to make big changes and I think counselling is a very good idea. You have lost your confidence and I can see why.
Being a carer for a long time will have given you a lot of very useful experience. Do you think contacting your local carers uk support group might help?

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Lovely you have your life ahead of you, a wealth of life experiences packed to a short time.
Valuable experience that will make you an asset in whatever you choose to do
Xx