Golly I've spent all morning reading through various threads on here and feel a bit of a fraud as I'm not going through a fraction of what others are going through but here goes anyway. Be warned -this may end up as a rant!!!
Mum, in her 90s, was diagnosed about 6 months ago. She's aware of the diagnosis and at times gets very depressed about it while trying to be positive at the same time. A few years ago she moved from her own house to a sheltered flatlet where meals are provided, but no care - in fact no staff overnight either which is slight worry but otherwise it's great for her and she loves it and I think will be able to manage there for quite a while. However in the past year, all the signs that others have described are there - eg tv remote is broken, phone doesn't work, friends don't bother to talk to her any more and so on. She leans more and more on me to help with things which is fine but I live 5 hours drive away. I have an old-style enduring POA which has helped a lot with her finances and thank goodness for online banking.
I visit around every month-6 weeks and while there we shop, go for walks/visits, write simple instructions for the phone/tv and go through her finances etc so I leave feeling happy that she'll be ok till my next visit but within a week something else has happened that's got her worried - she needs help writing a letter, something's come from the bank, the new remote is broken and so on. And of course - the gut wrenching 'why don't you visit me more often, I'm so stupid I can't do anything by myself?' heartbreaking! I'd like to go with her to the doctor more as I'm not sure he's quite in possession of the facts, for example my mother says he doesn't think she's got Alzheimers - I think she's decided this herself and never sees the doctor anyway. I'm torn that I think I should move nearer but it's a hard decision to make. I have my own life here - a job (that I might be able to do remotely for some of the time maybe) and my own offspring, both of whom, although adults with their own families, need quite a bit of support at the moment for various health and so on reasons. Which my mother knows nothing of. I have absolutely no idea where my priorities lie and am worried sick about the lot of them to be honest!
The other thing is financial, although a working (part time low wage) pensioner I find these visits horrendously expensive. Petrol, 3 nights in a b n b (the cheapest I could find) as well as the incidental things I end up paying for have eaten into my savings like nothing!(for example last week we thought we'd have a picnic which she was so excited and happy about, we went to the supermarket and she chose lots of treats to eat but which ended costing me nearly my whole week's food budget - and then of course she hardly nibbled any of it and I ended up with a load of Waitrose stuff to use up (a lesson learned - next time it's Lidl though she so loves going round Waitrose!) Lots of books and magazines. She also asks me to give money to her great and grandchildren for birthdays, Christmas etc but then has completely forgotten when I mention reclaiming it from her. I am going to bite the bullet and get her permission to transfer this money to me but obviously can't ask for the petrol or B n b money as that's like her paying me to visit her which seems awful.
Gosh - I said it'd be a rant and look how it turned out!!! I might add that I have siblings who live quite a bit nearer but they're either in denial or able to cut off better than me. But then she never rings them with her problems and when I try to explain I get - well she seems fine to me - so I feel I'm being petty and making a mountain out of a molehill (maybe I am - am I?). I'm on my own with it really.
Is anyone else trying to help from a distance? I feel so selfish even asking the question 'should I move?' and so many things would be easier but..........????
Thanks - Jay
Mum, in her 90s, was diagnosed about 6 months ago. She's aware of the diagnosis and at times gets very depressed about it while trying to be positive at the same time. A few years ago she moved from her own house to a sheltered flatlet where meals are provided, but no care - in fact no staff overnight either which is slight worry but otherwise it's great for her and she loves it and I think will be able to manage there for quite a while. However in the past year, all the signs that others have described are there - eg tv remote is broken, phone doesn't work, friends don't bother to talk to her any more and so on. She leans more and more on me to help with things which is fine but I live 5 hours drive away. I have an old-style enduring POA which has helped a lot with her finances and thank goodness for online banking.
I visit around every month-6 weeks and while there we shop, go for walks/visits, write simple instructions for the phone/tv and go through her finances etc so I leave feeling happy that she'll be ok till my next visit but within a week something else has happened that's got her worried - she needs help writing a letter, something's come from the bank, the new remote is broken and so on. And of course - the gut wrenching 'why don't you visit me more often, I'm so stupid I can't do anything by myself?' heartbreaking! I'd like to go with her to the doctor more as I'm not sure he's quite in possession of the facts, for example my mother says he doesn't think she's got Alzheimers - I think she's decided this herself and never sees the doctor anyway. I'm torn that I think I should move nearer but it's a hard decision to make. I have my own life here - a job (that I might be able to do remotely for some of the time maybe) and my own offspring, both of whom, although adults with their own families, need quite a bit of support at the moment for various health and so on reasons. Which my mother knows nothing of. I have absolutely no idea where my priorities lie and am worried sick about the lot of them to be honest!
The other thing is financial, although a working (part time low wage) pensioner I find these visits horrendously expensive. Petrol, 3 nights in a b n b (the cheapest I could find) as well as the incidental things I end up paying for have eaten into my savings like nothing!(for example last week we thought we'd have a picnic which she was so excited and happy about, we went to the supermarket and she chose lots of treats to eat but which ended costing me nearly my whole week's food budget - and then of course she hardly nibbled any of it and I ended up with a load of Waitrose stuff to use up (a lesson learned - next time it's Lidl though she so loves going round Waitrose!) Lots of books and magazines. She also asks me to give money to her great and grandchildren for birthdays, Christmas etc but then has completely forgotten when I mention reclaiming it from her. I am going to bite the bullet and get her permission to transfer this money to me but obviously can't ask for the petrol or B n b money as that's like her paying me to visit her which seems awful.
Gosh - I said it'd be a rant and look how it turned out!!! I might add that I have siblings who live quite a bit nearer but they're either in denial or able to cut off better than me. But then she never rings them with her problems and when I try to explain I get - well she seems fine to me - so I feel I'm being petty and making a mountain out of a molehill (maybe I am - am I?). I'm on my own with it really.
Is anyone else trying to help from a distance? I feel so selfish even asking the question 'should I move?' and so many things would be easier but..........????
Thanks - Jay