1. Bravebutterfly

    Bravebutterfly New member

    Nov 19, 2019

    My grandmother has dementia and my mum is her carer. My mum has 3 sisters but only one of them helps out on a regular basis. My grandmother still lives on her own at the moment.
    I was just wondering if anyone has any advice on how to look out for my mum? She takes the brunt of all the mood swings and sees the worst of her mum which her sisters do not see. So they think my mum is over exaggerating which she is of course not. The only trouble with my mum is that she puts herself last (always has done!) and as her daughter I can see how stressed out she is but if I suggest something to do differently she gets upset with me. For example, I found out that it’s likely my mum will likely be having my grandmother over for Christmas both Xmas day and Boxing Day cos her sisters already have plans (like my mum doesn’t!!) - I said that’s not on and she should insist one of her sisters helps out on one day but my mum excuses them all! So I said if she has to have her both days then don’t have her round all day - stay for dinner and presents and take her home. (My grandmother doesn’t like being around lots of people and there will be lots of us) My mum says she can’t because she’ll get lonely. While I completely understand my mums point of view as she is still her mum and will feel guilt about leaving her, I can also see that my grandmother being round all day on both days will be no good for either of them. Meanwhile I’m upset cos I know I’ve upset my mum by nagging her! It’s hard because I feel frustrated that my mum won’t help herself and I know that I come across as though I’m having a go at my mum.
    These sort of things happen all the time where my mum will take the burden of every chore, appointment, event and everything else, regardless of whether it is the best thing to do or not because I know she feels guilty all the time that she doesn’t see her every minute of the day.
    And I’ve given up mentioning having Carer’s come in occasionally to lighten the workload - she will not hear it!
    Thank you for reading and any advice is gratefully received, even if you tell me I’m wrong!!
  2. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    No your not.Your mum needs to set boundaries.I got carers in for dad as I couldn’t do it all.Its only me.

    Your mum needs to get her sisters on board .Its not fair..Could they not do a rota???
    If not then she needs to tell them she won’t be doing certain things.

    Does anyone have LPOA?
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    Being concerned for other people is never wrong but you will have to accept that your mothers views are valid too. If she would be anxious and unhappy when her own mother was not with her then that is how it will have to be.

    Could you send an email or card to her sisters saying that you are concerned for your mother and that it would make a big difference to her stress levels if they could give regular breaks by visiting their own mother or taking their mother out. Keep it very civil and polite as you don't want to create friction there too.
  4. Bravebutterfly

    Bravebutterfly New member

    Nov 19, 2019
    Thank you for your replies. 2 out of 3 of her sisters are useless and very selfish - even if I sent a very polite email they’d find some way to make a drama out of it! Plus I don’t think my mum would want me to. You’re right marionq about my mums views being valid too - I need to remind myself of this sometimes because if that’s how she feels then I can’t try and change her mind because like you say, her feelings are valid too! I try and put myself in my mums shoes and if it was me in this situation I wouldn’t want to leave my mum on her own either! Sometimes I think I should probably stay out of it and let my mum deal with this in her own way but it’s so difficult when I can see if she just made a few changes, it may take a bit of the stress off. I know that whatever she does she will feel guilt regarding her mum and I just wish I could take some of that guilt and stress away for her! Regarding this Christmas, it really upsets me to think she won’t get one day of the year where she can enjoy her day without having to care for her mum!
  5. nae sporran

    nae sporran Volunteer Host

    Oct 29, 2014
    Welcome to the forum Bravebutterfly. Your mum is quite a character if she is taking on so much, but you are right to worry about her taking on too much.
    Would your grandmother go to day centres or lunch clubs to take some of the strain off your mum ? My OH goes one day a week and the time it gives me is invaluable. Likewise, if she won't accept carers, would she accept care workers coming in to keep your grandmother company one afternoon a week?
  6. Jaded'n'faded

    Jaded'n'faded Registered User

    Jan 23, 2019
    High Peak
    You are right of course - it's too much for your mum to have your gran over both days and the rotten sisters are not going to change. BUT... it's what your mum wants to do and she probably just wouldn't feel right if she didn't. The Guilt Monster is very powerful.

    So... can you find other ways to support your mum at Christmas? Offer to do the shopping, the cooking, entertain your gran, do the washing up or anything else you can think of to make it a good Christmas for your mum too.

    Most mums do too much at Christmas and it can be exhausting. Whatever jobs you can take off her hands will help. But I do think your plan to take gran home early is a good one too. Maybe on the day your mum will agree it's the right thing to do - your gran will be worn out being in a busy house for a few hours.
  7. Bod

    Bod Registered User

    Aug 30, 2013
    +1 from me, adding that if your mother becomes "Burnt out" then the complete care of Grannie would be their total responsibility.


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