Caring for my poor old Father

[ElizabethJane]

Hi, I'm new to this. I'm a Carer for my Father who lives 90 miles away. He is physically fragile (prostate cancer that has metastasised to his spine and asthma) and he has dementia. He has virtually no short term memory, gets muddled and cannot assimilate new information. He lives alone but my sister, who is his main Carer lives 1/2 mile down the road. My Dad can no longer cook food for himself and most days my sister brings him a hot meal (along with doing everything else in his life and the many doctors/hospital appointments. I visit for a day or two every fortnight to give her a break but she is finding it very difficult to cope fir two reasons - the amount of time he needs and his utter resistance and the upset at every attempt to help him. He is in total denial and believes he can do everything - which very clearly he cannot. He spends a lot of time sleeping and is always weary. We have tried to use a (very good) care company to come in and help him with meals, but he has refused to let them in and been very angry about it. He has recently had a chest infection and we've come to crisis point where, somehow, we've got to get support from the care company .... but we are so afraid it will be a disaster again. He really needs help now. Has anyone had any similar experiences please - any help or advise appreciated. Thanks

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP

Sadly the refusal of help is very common with dementia. Keep trying the carers & hopefully he'll get used to them.

 

[canary]

If this is a crisis you can contact the Social (adult) Services for emergency respite and the SW should be able to find an emergency placement in a care home. You will probably have to emphasise the urgent aspect of it.
If its not that bad a crisis consider respite placement (maybe a week) anyway to give your sister a break so that everyone can plan for the future.

 

[cragmaid]

You could try telling him that the GP suggests that if he ( Dad) does not accept the carers, he ( GP) or Social Services may be obliged to consider a CH as a necessity.

Dad belongs to the generation who believes that Authorities know best. Must be worth considering.

 

[Shedrech]

hello ElizabethJane
a warm welcome from me too
your sister and you are doing a grand job looking after your dad; no wonder it's taking its toll on you both
maybe go back to his Local Authority Adult Services and ask for a re-assessment of his care needs; at the very least let them know that his situation is now worse and that your sister is close to stepping back from caring from him as she is finding it so hard - mention that he is a 'vulnerable adult' and he is 'at risk' and they have a 'duty of care' - even if your dad continues to be unco-operative, he is still in need of care - might he go to day care (call it a club), where he would get a meal? - respite could be called a 'holiday' or 'weekend break'
let his GP know his current situation too - as cragmaid suggests, the GP's word may carry some weight with your dad
I wonder whether a key safe might enable carers to gain entry to his house - I had one installed for dad, and there's a scheme here so that he didn't pay for the work (did pay for the keysafe)
have you thought about meals on wheels or whatever is available in your locality, so that your sister isn't taking a meal every day
have you got Powers of Attorney in place as these will give you and your sister the legal authority to act on his behalf which is so helpful, especially in a crisis
best wishes