1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

  1. hazytron

    hazytron Registered User

    Apr 4, 2008
    1,167
    SOUTH LAKES
    Hello, I am new to Talking Point. I care for my mother who sadly is moving on from the early stages of dementia and is now very difficult to be reasoned with.
    Mum, 9 months ago, bravely moved 90 miles to be near me so that I had a better chance of being able to improve the quality of her life. However I feel that I have failed miserably, to do so.
    Nothing that I do gives her any lasting pleasure and I am at my wits end as to what to do next.
    HAZYTRON
     
  2. mollieblue

    mollieblue Registered User

    May 16, 2007
    37
    belfast
    Welcome Hazytron to TP, we will be your shoulder to cry on,
    I sympathize with how u feel. Although you haven't gone into much detail about your situation I can guess that you have been give give giving and getting nothing good in return. Thats dementia for you. Sadly carers get the rough end of the deal, there are precious little rewards given and it is hard to keep going sometimes.
    My experience with my mum is that her enjoyment of things is fleating (if at all!) and as much as you strive to achieve it , it's never going to last. All anyone can do is try their best.
    If after spending time with your loved on you can say you did your best then you can do no more.
    My brother keeps telling me that I need to stop trying to make my mum HAPPY, as she has gone past this stage. And I think he's right. I now do all the things I used to, taking her a drive?walk buying her ice cream, listening to the radio etc but then when she starts to complain and be difficult I change the subject and try and leave the visit there. I tried my best for her and thats all I can do.

    Try to be less hard on yourself, Do you have any help, family, are the professionals involved? No-one deals with dementia perfectly we all muddle through as best we can.

    Love ann
     
  3. sue38

    sue38 Registered User

    Mar 6, 2007
    10,856
    Wigan, Lancs
    Hi Hazytron and welcome to TP.

    Sadly you come to realise that as the illness progresses, reasoning with the person is futile. That doesn't stop us from trying though does it?

    I'm sorry you are getting the brunt of your mum's frustration. Try and remember that it is the illness she is angry with, not you. You just happen to be the nearest thing.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Hello hazytron. :)

    I don`t think you have failed miserably. The quality of your mother`s life must be better, living near you than living 90 miles away. It`s just that the quality of life of anyone with dementia can only be improved in very small degrees.

    Lasting pleasure is probably too much to expect. How about thinking of the moment. Anything that puts a smile on your mother`s face can be considered a success.
     
  5. harvey

    harvey Registered User

    Aug 10, 2007
    71
    Hazytron

    This sounds familiar to me!

    We have been beating ourselves up trying to find things to occupy/interest MIL. She was widowed last year and lost her main interest [bossing FIL]
    She stopped reading/sewing/baking/gardening to name but a few of her interests about five years ago. We thought it was due to her poor eyesight. She had a cateract operation about three years ago and insisted that they had made her eyesight worse. She uses a strong magnifying glass to read things like TV listings.

    We took her to the eye hospital last week and the consultant said there was absolutely no reason for her to be using a magnifying glass. She read the letters on the board without glasses almost to the last row!

    I can only assume that the reason she no longer carry out her previous hobbbies & passtimes in due to the dementia. It makes things so difficult as she lives alone and has alienated almost everone who could have helped her. It is now just me and my husband. We feel guilty as she constantly tells us she is lonely but is not interested in anything we suggest. She has a bad back so a drive in the country is out as she complains about every bump in the road. She is not interested in anything any more except someone to talk at. This is usually complaining or accusing. She is totally absorbed in her wants, her needs and her demands. Everything must be done immediately and she cannot comprehend why we are unable to carry out her wishes straight away. She looks very frail but has the strength of an ox!

    She has not really gone downhill for months, the initial agression and verbal abuse seem to have calmed down but she is very selfish and demanding. I feel so guilty thinking that this is going to go on for years and how are we going to cope with it, it really is exhausting!

    I think this problem is something we all have to deal with, but there does not seem to be a solution:confused:

    Polly
     
  6. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    68,721
    Kent
    Hello Polly.

    The probable reason your MIL no longer participates in her past interests is probably due to her loss of organizational skills. Sewing/baking/gardening are all skills which require a fair amount of organization.

    If she only wants to talk, would she talk to a carer ? Would she accept someone in the role of a companion to chat to her and keep her company a couple of times a week. It would relieve the pressure on you.
     
  7. harvey

    harvey Registered User

    Aug 10, 2007
    71
    Granny G

    No, she sees the carers as her servants! We try and arrange for others to visit and talk to her and she always has a reason for them not coming, she is tired, not well, can,t be bothered. Will have nothing to do with SS so this makes things difficult. It took months to get her to go to the optician who referred her to the doctor and so the eye clinic.

    She has ever been a great talker and commanded the stage, we find it difficult to hold a normal conversation now as she has trouble comprehending. When she cannot understand she says she cannot hear which is frustrating, we now wait for her to bring up a subject or just keep conversations simple. She also gets very agitated if she does not understand what we are talking about and this sets off a chain which leads to the verbal abuse. Since we stopped baffling her with what she does not understand life has been a little easier and the verbals a lot less. She tends to talk at someone rather than to them and does so at great length, this is not the illness, she has always done that.

    She is still very with it in a lot of areas, that is what makes this illness so cruel.

    Polly
     
  8. hazytron

    hazytron Registered User

    Apr 4, 2008
    1,167
    SOUTH LAKES
    Thankyou all, so much, for your replies to my post.

    Mollieblue Your words hit the nail on the head, people, familiar with, me tell me that I try to do too much.

    Sue38 I will bare it in my mind that Mums' behaviour is the illness presenting itself, I know it is helpful to do so but when she rants and sobs at me !!!!!!

    Grannie G True, I believe the quality of her life is better but she is doing her best in saying otherwise, I just don't know what to believe anymore.

    Harvey Your situation is a mirror of mine. Mum used to give my father a terrible time. He died five years ago. She clearly now treats me in the same way. In retirement Dad was her skivvy, I have a small business to run and a disabled son, so I do not have the free time that he had.
    I used to drive the 90 miles to visit every two weeks often being met with abuse, during the drive back I would somehow switch off and be able to cope with the responsabilities of home.
    Now I see her every day and am having abuse every day, there seems no escape.

    Again, I thank you all.
    Hazytron
     
  9. hazytron

    hazytron Registered User

    Apr 4, 2008
    1,167
    SOUTH LAKES
    Today my GP called to tell me that he is going to recommend that my Mum returns to where she used to live, 90 miles away! He says that she is not going to settle here and that my health is suffering and that I have enough on my plate with caring for my son Jack, he suffers from Schizophrenia.
    I feel all mixed up just now and so very very weary of it all.
    Hazel
     
  10. julieann15

    julieann15 Registered User

    Jun 13, 2008
    2,012
    Leicestershire
    #10 julieann15, Jan 9, 2009
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2009
    Just a few thoughts- Mum came from South Yorks and moved here to Leics in 2000 to be near my husband who now works in Cheshire all week- Mum keeps harping back to going back to where she came from as in her words she would not have become ill like this is if she had stayed put.

    IF you move her back you are going to have to be sure ther is an adequate care package in place that WORKS.If not then you are going to be worrying all the time about her safety etc.

    I cannot believe GP has recommended this- has he no experience of AD and the complications that long distance caring entails.

    9 months is a relatively short time for someone to settle- please think carefully before making a decision which may at the end of the day be for the wrong reasons

    Julie xx
     
  11. hazytron

    hazytron Registered User

    Apr 4, 2008
    1,167
    SOUTH LAKES
    Julie, my sentiments exactly. Mum has actually been here now for 18 months, I posted this on my original thread, since then, I have had enormous problems with her becoming more and more agitated, depressed, anxious, angry, sad, you name it I have had it.
    Since being here she has alienated most people that have befriended her with her constant negative attitude towards everything. I know she is terrified of the disease, and all that it entails, and she has the ability to think herself to be more affected by it than she actually is.
    I need to think carefully over the weekend and to decide where we go from here.
    Hazel
     

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