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caring for john

jojost

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
7
sittingbourne uk
Hi. I am new to this and so introduce myself. My husband has vascular dementia together with numerous other conditions including diabetes. He has a catheter as a result of prostate problems andis incontinent as a result of bowel surgery. He refuses to visit a day centre and made it very clear he would not tolerate a crossroads visitor for 3 hours a week. I am finding things increasingly difficult as he is abusive at the slightest problem. I ffind it diffi ult to distract him and wonder how others deal with such behaviour.
 

Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,825
UK
I look after my mother with Vascular Dementia, so far no other medical problems. She has never been abusive to me, but has been difficult to look after, especially in the early days when she couldn't understand why she had to move into my home. The only distraction that worked for me was to take her out for coffee or lunch. Are his friends still around? would they be willing to sit with him for a few hours, under the pretext of just visiting? Do you have a supportive family who could do the same?

Finally, welcome to tp.
 

Loopiloo

Registered User
May 10, 2010
6,118
Scotland
Hello jojost and welcome to TP. My husband also has vascular dementia, about 13 years now. He has been in a care home for almost 4 years. He also has some other conditions including diabetes, and an enlarged prostrate.

At home with me my husband was also verbally abusive, it makes everything that more difficult, doesn't it. Like your husband mine also totally refused to attend a day centre. Even when three times our GP tired to talk him into it - although he was not verballyabusive to her but he was extremely firm and to the point. He was only verbally aggressive towards me and as in many cases of dementia could present a totally different attitude to others.

It was difficult to try distracting him, he very much had a mind of his own, and still does although now his dementia is much more advanced.

Perhaps someone who was more successful than I was can help. On the issue of a day centre all I could do was give up mentioning it, he was adamant he would never agree to that.

I’m sorry I cannot offer advice how to deal with it as nothing I tried worked. But I do very much empathise with you.

Best wishes
Loo x
 

lin1

Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
9,319
East Kent
Hello Jojost. Welcome to TP
I am sorry to hear that you are having such a putting it mildly, Difficult time .
The only thing I can advise is keep stressing to your Husbands DRs and your own GP. Just how difficult things are, don't pull any punches.
You may need to keep doing so till they listen to you.

Please don't be afraid of this
It may be that your husband needs to have a proper assessment, where they can observe him over time and sort out medication that will help.
Many on here have been helped by these assessments.
 
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jojost

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
7
sittingbourne uk
I look after my mother with Vascular Dementia, so far no other medical problems. She has never been abusive to me, but has been difficult to look after, especially in the early days when she couldn't understand why she had to move into my home. The only distraction that worked for me was to take her out for coffee or lunch. Are his friends still around? would they be willing to sit with him for a few hours, under the pretext of just visiting? Do you have a supportive family who could do the same?

Finally, welcome to tp.
Thank you and hello. Unfortunately John always immersed himself in his work and friends are spread over many miles. He does have three children, one of whom visits but does have a problem with seeing his dad like this. We have a daughter with down syndrome who is at home. She gets very upset by his behaviour and stays in her room most of the time. My other daughter works long hours and has quite a busy social life but helps out as much as she can. I do not want to lean on her too much as she is young. We also have a son living in London

I feel guilty asking for help as I know how busy life can be when you are young. However the admiral nurse is trying to arrange some respite and we are awaiting assessment s by social services and the elderly mental health team.

Today has been very stressful. We went to the garden centre where John started shouting and swearing which is embarrassing for me and worrying for other people who just want a pleasant wander around. He has lost all interest in food so lunch is not usually an option.

This evening I used a neck wrap which had been warmed in the microwave and is very comforting and relaxing to use.

Thank you for replying to my post.
 

jojost

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
7
sittingbourne uk
Hello jojost and welcome to TP. My husband also has vascular dementia, about 13 years now. He has been in a care home for almost 4 years. He also has some other conditions including diabetes, and an enlarged prostrate.

At home with me my husband was also verbally abusive, it makes everything that more difficult, doesn't it. Like your husband mine also totally refused to attend a day centre. Even when three times our GP tired to talk him into it - although he was not verballyabusive to her but he was extremely firm and to the point. He was only verbally aggressive towards me and as in many cases of dementia could present a totally different attitude to others.

It was difficult to try distracting him, he very much had a mind of his own, and still does although now his dementia is much more advanced.

Perhaps someone who was more successful than I was can help. On the issue of a day centre all I could do was give up mentioning it, he was adamant he would never agree to that.

I’m sorry I cannot offer advice how to deal with it as nothing I tried worked. But I do very much empathise with you.

Best wishes
Loo x
Hi Loo

Thank you for replying to my post. I really appreciate your honesty. It is comforting to know John is not alone in his difficult behaviour. How did you manage to get him into the care home? I am dreading this day!

With best wishes
Jojo x
 

jojost

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
7
sittingbourne uk
John processes everything according to where it is. Wherever we are going he requires a detailed verbal map of where we are going. Is turn right out of our road. Turn left at the bottom then straight across etc etc. All the way he is asking where we are going over and over again. Today we went to the shop on the morning, then we took my daughter to the doctors after lunch. This was especially difficult as the surgery has moved. This evening I fell asleep in front of TV and was woken up by an attack saying I do nothing and why can I not take him out? Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Last Wednesday social services said they would call me with an appointment. I am still waiting. Tomorrow I am seeing the admiral nurse again.

I am sorry if this all sounds selfish, perhaps I am. It is simply so unrelenting.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,575
South coast
If he wants to go out could you not go to day care or a dementia coffee morning and not tell him what it is? Just say its a coffee morning or club or whatever will appease him. You will probably have to stay with him, but it will give you a breather and if he kicks off you will be amongst friends.
 

jojost

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
7
sittingbourne uk
If he wants to go out could you not go to day care or a dementia coffee morning and not tell him what it is? Just say its a coffee morning or club or whatever will appease him. You will probably have to stay with him, but it will give you a breather and if he kicks off you will be amongst friends.
Yes I have tried. The carers support ladies took us to a day centre without telling him first. This was s disaster. John seems determined to come with me wherever I go.

K
However social services are coming to assess us at the end of may . he says he will have nothing to do with it.

Thank you for your suggestions, they are appreciated

Jojo
 

Loopiloo

Registered User
May 10, 2010
6,118
Scotland
jojost wrote:

Hi Loo

Thank you for replying to my post. I really appreciate your honesty. It is comforting to know John is not alone in his difficult behaviour. How did you manage to get him into the care home? I am dreading this day!
Sorry jojost for not responding earlier. My husband fell and fractured his hip and was in two acute hospitals over 6 weeks. Then he was in the Community hospital for months. He had to use a zimmer but would forget to do so and was high risk of falls. Then he was critically ill when his diabetes was not properly controlled. His dementia had rapidly progressed in hospitals, including severe incontinence.

Anyway, I had expected him to come home but this was ruled out, and I was devastated. So he eventually went from hospital to care home.

In retrospect perhaps it was best as I was told by our GP that even without the fall and consequences he would probably have had to go into a care home within a year.

I say perhaps it was for the best the way it happened because he would have fiercely resisted leaving his own home for a care home. It would have been dreadful for him and I cannot think how that would have been achieved. He still had considerable awareness in certain respects and it took him many months of heart breaking anguish before he forgot his home and settled in the care home.

Long reply to a short question, sorry!

However social services are coming to assess us at the end of may . he says he will have nothing to do with it.
Do let us know how that goes? With your husband’s attitude so similar to that of my husband’s it wont be an easy time.

Thinking of you

Loo xx
 

jojost

Registered User
Apr 13, 2015
7
sittingbourne uk
Thank you for replying. You seem to have more than enough to cope with.

I am just living from day to day. Yesterday was dreadful, today was better. Tomorrow I have to take my daughter to hospital and will have to take John, so I anticipate trouble.

I feel so sorry for myself when I should be thinking about John having such a horrible time.

Thank you for your support.

JoJo

[/U]
Sorry jojost for not responding earlier. My husband fell and fractured his hip and was in two acute hospitals over 6 weeks. Then he was in the Community hospital for months. He had to use a zimmer but would forget to do so and was high risk of falls. Then he was critically ill when his diabetes was not properly controlled. His dementia had rapidly progressed in hospitals, including severe incontinence.

Anyway, I had expected him to come home but this was ruled out, and I was devastated. So he eventually went from hospital to care home.

In retrospect perhaps it was best as I was told by our GP that even without the fall and consequences he would probably have had to go into a care home within a year.

I say perhaps it was for the best the way it happened because he would have fiercely resisted leaving his own home for a care home. It would have been dreadful for him and I cannot think how that would have been achieved. He still had considerable awareness in certain respects and it took him many months of heart breaking anguish before he forgot his home and settled in the care home.

Long reply to a short question, sorry!

Do let us know how that goes? With your husband’s attitude so similar to that of my husband’s it wont be an easy time.

Thinking of you

Loo xx