Hi Everyone, (I apologise now for the long read... I haven't felt like I can vent to such an extent in person to professionals)
I've recently been told about these forums following official diagnosis of my grandmothers mixed dementia, and I thank you all in advance for your kindness in supporting others and appearing to be that shoulder to cry on and express our concerns and seek help from others whom have been there.
So why I am here...........well at the time my 83yo Gran was living in London on her own, with the only family being my mentally disabled aunty whom gave my nan purpose and someone whom needed her. However due to issues with her care placement we discussed that it was perhaps a good time to "future proof" her situation and we moved her closer to my wife and I in Devon in order to have family around her (my gran and I are the only family she has through loss of contact from her brothers [my father & uncle]). As a result my gran was left on her own with no family and little friends to help her, in addition to my thoughts to have her closer due to the number of times I contacted and heard how she had fallen off ladders, been ripped off by tradesmen, and got into god knows what kind of other dangerous situations, so she moved as well.
During the process of moving her we came across the shock of finding out she had taken an equity loan on her house to give my father and uncle money, with the sum owed growing every day and was quickly taking over the price of her property. Due to this discussions were had and the decision to put our monies together and purchase a house with a lovely 2 bed self contained annexe for her so we are there for support if needed to, as she was not able to afford to move as close to my wife and I as she wanted because of the area we were currently living in.
3 months upon moving in she cracked a vertebrae in her back by bending down to pick up her little dogs number 2's. In pain for a approx 4 months and then finally diagnosed with osteoporosis after insisting the pain was too much (Dr initially thought muscle strain).
Convinced her to have a bit of an M.O.T at the doctors, whilst there for her back and due to her experiencing constant dizzy spells and a number of stumbles.
During the first year my gran was horrible.....and I mean nasty!...... she blamed us for all her health problems and hated living in the countryside. Although driving and showing her the way to nearby towns and taking her through the bus timetable numerous times, she could not seem to remember and comprehend how to get places. We were the devils! for making her move somewhere that she can't drive anywhere and blamed us moving her for all her sudden health problems. On top of this my gran wanted every minute of my life to see to her, there was always some sort of problem, or some sort of mood she was in, something always needed doing and she wasn't content unless we had seen her and done something with her every day.
She would sulk if we had friends over, or even if we met up with others including family and the centre of attention was not on her.
Our early 30's full time working, including shift work, lives, having just got over my wife having cervical cancer, came crashing down. At the time we were planning our wedding...stressful enough on its own, let alone with all the above. But I felt like I owed it to my gran to ensure she was happy, but nothing I could do appeared to make her happy and it sucked the life out of me.
I thought I could cope and kind of had to remain the strong one with my wife's cancer...but I buckled, I shut things away thinking I was dealing with it in my own way..... but I was distant at work and not myself, I was irritable at home, I comfort ate, I stopped any hobbies, I let my grans mood effect me and I could not cope any more with it all happening at once and was off work with stress for a number of months.
We informed the doctor about the above and and then just prior to being with us for a year they undertook a cognitive assessment and they now queried moderate to severe mixed dementia!! So our thoughts of moving a healthy nan to live next door to us so we can support her in future years suddenly got hit with the prospect of having to support and look after my 83yo gran who has moderate to severe mixed dementia now!.......Great!!........however it did ease my feelings a little as it now gave a possible rationale for her behaviour over the last year. I could now think this was not a normal thinking 83yo gran who was just being damn right spiteful, it was a confused and worried 83yo gran who's whole life as she had known it for the past 50 years had changed and she can't cope with it. But I still struggle with the moods and attention craving she so desires.
The above has been our lives for just over the past 18 months, but I still struggle to cope with it all. I still find myself getting worked up and worried what mood she is in, I sometimes hide behind my lovely wife and ask her to check in with nan because I am afraid of facing her bad moods or being the bad person!
In my mind I have kind of put my life on hold to constantly ensure she is happy. I unnecessarily blame myself for her unhappiness as I was the one whom put the idea of moving into her mind.
It was only last week that during a nice visit with my wife's god mother and elderly family friend, my nan for some reason shut down and made an excuse to put herself on her own back in her annexe and then upon checking if she was alright was uncontrollably crying.
Is this an attention thing?......is this part of the dementia?....I don't know, and with it being such a mind field of different unrationale behaviours I struggle to cope. Especially when I am a person who sees things as black or white.....there is no inbetween.
I/ we struggle to find the time for myself/ourselves now.........I'm 34yo..... I want to look at the possibility of adoption...but quiver at the thought of going through that whilst nan is living with us...... I can't go back to that place I was in last year where it got too much.
I appreciate this is a massive vent of feelings and emotions, but I suppose I look to you lovely people for hints and tips. Or perhaps hopefully someone other than family just to say I'm doing my best and that I need to not let it get me down so much.......but it's hard....it bloody well is hard. Especially trying to keep up the bubbly happy go luck personality that I am.
Anyways....if you have got this far and not tuned out....I thank you immensely, and look forward on hearing and learning from everyone's own personal experiences.
All the best,
I've recently been told about these forums following official diagnosis of my grandmothers mixed dementia, and I thank you all in advance for your kindness in supporting others and appearing to be that shoulder to cry on and express our concerns and seek help from others whom have been there.
So why I am here...........well at the time my 83yo Gran was living in London on her own, with the only family being my mentally disabled aunty whom gave my nan purpose and someone whom needed her. However due to issues with her care placement we discussed that it was perhaps a good time to "future proof" her situation and we moved her closer to my wife and I in Devon in order to have family around her (my gran and I are the only family she has through loss of contact from her brothers [my father & uncle]). As a result my gran was left on her own with no family and little friends to help her, in addition to my thoughts to have her closer due to the number of times I contacted and heard how she had fallen off ladders, been ripped off by tradesmen, and got into god knows what kind of other dangerous situations, so she moved as well.
During the process of moving her we came across the shock of finding out she had taken an equity loan on her house to give my father and uncle money, with the sum owed growing every day and was quickly taking over the price of her property. Due to this discussions were had and the decision to put our monies together and purchase a house with a lovely 2 bed self contained annexe for her so we are there for support if needed to, as she was not able to afford to move as close to my wife and I as she wanted because of the area we were currently living in.
3 months upon moving in she cracked a vertebrae in her back by bending down to pick up her little dogs number 2's. In pain for a approx 4 months and then finally diagnosed with osteoporosis after insisting the pain was too much (Dr initially thought muscle strain).
Convinced her to have a bit of an M.O.T at the doctors, whilst there for her back and due to her experiencing constant dizzy spells and a number of stumbles.
During the first year my gran was horrible.....and I mean nasty!...... she blamed us for all her health problems and hated living in the countryside. Although driving and showing her the way to nearby towns and taking her through the bus timetable numerous times, she could not seem to remember and comprehend how to get places. We were the devils! for making her move somewhere that she can't drive anywhere and blamed us moving her for all her sudden health problems. On top of this my gran wanted every minute of my life to see to her, there was always some sort of problem, or some sort of mood she was in, something always needed doing and she wasn't content unless we had seen her and done something with her every day.
She would sulk if we had friends over, or even if we met up with others including family and the centre of attention was not on her.
Our early 30's full time working, including shift work, lives, having just got over my wife having cervical cancer, came crashing down. At the time we were planning our wedding...stressful enough on its own, let alone with all the above. But I felt like I owed it to my gran to ensure she was happy, but nothing I could do appeared to make her happy and it sucked the life out of me.
I thought I could cope and kind of had to remain the strong one with my wife's cancer...but I buckled, I shut things away thinking I was dealing with it in my own way..... but I was distant at work and not myself, I was irritable at home, I comfort ate, I stopped any hobbies, I let my grans mood effect me and I could not cope any more with it all happening at once and was off work with stress for a number of months.
We informed the doctor about the above and and then just prior to being with us for a year they undertook a cognitive assessment and they now queried moderate to severe mixed dementia!! So our thoughts of moving a healthy nan to live next door to us so we can support her in future years suddenly got hit with the prospect of having to support and look after my 83yo gran who has moderate to severe mixed dementia now!.......Great!!........however it did ease my feelings a little as it now gave a possible rationale for her behaviour over the last year. I could now think this was not a normal thinking 83yo gran who was just being damn right spiteful, it was a confused and worried 83yo gran who's whole life as she had known it for the past 50 years had changed and she can't cope with it. But I still struggle with the moods and attention craving she so desires.
The above has been our lives for just over the past 18 months, but I still struggle to cope with it all. I still find myself getting worked up and worried what mood she is in, I sometimes hide behind my lovely wife and ask her to check in with nan because I am afraid of facing her bad moods or being the bad person!
In my mind I have kind of put my life on hold to constantly ensure she is happy. I unnecessarily blame myself for her unhappiness as I was the one whom put the idea of moving into her mind.
It was only last week that during a nice visit with my wife's god mother and elderly family friend, my nan for some reason shut down and made an excuse to put herself on her own back in her annexe and then upon checking if she was alright was uncontrollably crying.
Is this an attention thing?......is this part of the dementia?....I don't know, and with it being such a mind field of different unrationale behaviours I struggle to cope. Especially when I am a person who sees things as black or white.....there is no inbetween.
I/ we struggle to find the time for myself/ourselves now.........I'm 34yo..... I want to look at the possibility of adoption...but quiver at the thought of going through that whilst nan is living with us...... I can't go back to that place I was in last year where it got too much.
I appreciate this is a massive vent of feelings and emotions, but I suppose I look to you lovely people for hints and tips. Or perhaps hopefully someone other than family just to say I'm doing my best and that I need to not let it get me down so much.......but it's hard....it bloody well is hard. Especially trying to keep up the bubbly happy go luck personality that I am.
Anyways....if you have got this far and not tuned out....I thank you immensely, and look forward on hearing and learning from everyone's own personal experiences.
All the best,