Caring for Grandmother - Not coping well with the added stress.

DevonDan

New member
Aug 15, 2022
3
0
Hi Everyone, (I apologise now for the long read... I haven't felt like I can vent to such an extent in person to professionals)

I've recently been told about these forums following official diagnosis of my grandmothers mixed dementia, and I thank you all in advance for your kindness in supporting others and appearing to be that shoulder to cry on and express our concerns and seek help from others whom have been there.

So why I am here...........well at the time my 83yo Gran was living in London on her own, with the only family being my mentally disabled aunty whom gave my nan purpose and someone whom needed her. However due to issues with her care placement we discussed that it was perhaps a good time to "future proof" her situation and we moved her closer to my wife and I in Devon in order to have family around her (my gran and I are the only family she has through loss of contact from her brothers [my father & uncle]). As a result my gran was left on her own with no family and little friends to help her, in addition to my thoughts to have her closer due to the number of times I contacted and heard how she had fallen off ladders, been ripped off by tradesmen, and got into god knows what kind of other dangerous situations, so she moved as well.

During the process of moving her we came across the shock of finding out she had taken an equity loan on her house to give my father and uncle money, with the sum owed growing every day and was quickly taking over the price of her property. Due to this discussions were had and the decision to put our monies together and purchase a house with a lovely 2 bed self contained annexe for her so we are there for support if needed to, as she was not able to afford to move as close to my wife and I as she wanted because of the area we were currently living in.

3 months upon moving in she cracked a vertebrae in her back by bending down to pick up her little dogs number 2's. In pain for a approx 4 months and then finally diagnosed with osteoporosis after insisting the pain was too much (Dr initially thought muscle strain).

Convinced her to have a bit of an M.O.T at the doctors, whilst there for her back and due to her experiencing constant dizzy spells and a number of stumbles.

During the first year my gran was horrible.....and I mean nasty!...... she blamed us for all her health problems and hated living in the countryside. Although driving and showing her the way to nearby towns and taking her through the bus timetable numerous times, she could not seem to remember and comprehend how to get places. We were the devils! for making her move somewhere that she can't drive anywhere and blamed us moving her for all her sudden health problems. On top of this my gran wanted every minute of my life to see to her, there was always some sort of problem, or some sort of mood she was in, something always needed doing and she wasn't content unless we had seen her and done something with her every day.
She would sulk if we had friends over, or even if we met up with others including family and the centre of attention was not on her.

Our early 30's full time working, including shift work, lives, having just got over my wife having cervical cancer, came crashing down. At the time we were planning our wedding...stressful enough on its own, let alone with all the above. But I felt like I owed it to my gran to ensure she was happy, but nothing I could do appeared to make her happy and it sucked the life out of me.

I thought I could cope and kind of had to remain the strong one with my wife's cancer...but I buckled, I shut things away thinking I was dealing with it in my own way..... but I was distant at work and not myself, I was irritable at home, I comfort ate, I stopped any hobbies, I let my grans mood effect me and I could not cope any more with it all happening at once and was off work with stress for a number of months.

We informed the doctor about the above and and then just prior to being with us for a year they undertook a cognitive assessment and they now queried moderate to severe mixed dementia!! So our thoughts of moving a healthy nan to live next door to us so we can support her in future years suddenly got hit with the prospect of having to support and look after my 83yo gran who has moderate to severe mixed dementia now!.......Great!!........however it did ease my feelings a little as it now gave a possible rationale for her behaviour over the last year. I could now think this was not a normal thinking 83yo gran who was just being damn right spiteful, it was a confused and worried 83yo gran who's whole life as she had known it for the past 50 years had changed and she can't cope with it. But I still struggle with the moods and attention craving she so desires.

The above has been our lives for just over the past 18 months, but I still struggle to cope with it all. I still find myself getting worked up and worried what mood she is in, I sometimes hide behind my lovely wife and ask her to check in with nan because I am afraid of facing her bad moods or being the bad person!
In my mind I have kind of put my life on hold to constantly ensure she is happy. I unnecessarily blame myself for her unhappiness as I was the one whom put the idea of moving into her mind.

It was only last week that during a nice visit with my wife's god mother and elderly family friend, my nan for some reason shut down and made an excuse to put herself on her own back in her annexe and then upon checking if she was alright was uncontrollably crying.
Is this an attention thing?......is this part of the dementia?....I don't know, and with it being such a mind field of different unrationale behaviours I struggle to cope. Especially when I am a person who sees things as black or white.....there is no inbetween.

I/ we struggle to find the time for myself/ourselves now.........I'm 34yo..... I want to look at the possibility of adoption...but quiver at the thought of going through that whilst nan is living with us...... I can't go back to that place I was in last year where it got too much.



I appreciate this is a massive vent of feelings and emotions, but I suppose I look to you lovely people for hints and tips. Or perhaps hopefully someone other than family just to say I'm doing my best and that I need to not let it get me down so much.......but it's hard....it bloody well is hard. Especially trying to keep up the bubbly happy go luck personality that I am.

Anyways....if you have got this far and not tuned out....I thank you immensely, and look forward on hearing and learning from everyone's own personal experiences.

All the best,
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
74,004
0
72
Dundee
Oh goodness @DevonDan what a time you’re having.

Sorry! I should have first said welcome to the forum. I know you will find understanding and support here.

You really do have far too much on your plate. It might help you to talk things through with an Admiral Nurse. Members here have spoken highly of the service they provide -

The contact details are in this link-


You really need to think of your own health in the middle of all of this. You have already done so much but there comes a time when you have to stand back. Does your gran have support from carers? Again another link which might help -


Keep posting here - please - there will always be someone here to listen.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hello @DevonDan and welcome from me too.

You have been having a tough time.
You will get a lot of understanding here because the story you tell is classic dementia. I found myself nodding and sighing in sympathy over a lot of your descriptions. The nastiness is particularly hard as we are all trying to do our best only to have it all thrown in our face. In reality thr person with dementia is aware that Something Is Not Right, but the dementia makes them unable to understand that this Something is actually them - so they blame everything else; machines that arnt working properly, their location (if they went somewhere else everything would be all right again), other people and, above all, their main carer. Even knowing this doesnt make the hurt go away entirely, though, I do understand.

Your nan now seems to have reached the Shadowing stage. They become frightened of being on their own and need to have someone within eye shot at all times, so they follow their carer around all the time.

Do look at the links that Izzy has posted. Get all the help you can - even though your nan is likely to insist that she doesnt need any help. Make sure your nan has done POA and her will, if she is still able. You really, really are doing your best, but unfortunately, you will never be able to make your nan happy, because the unhappiness is internal and caused by the dementia
 

DevonDan

New member
Aug 15, 2022
3
0
Thanks awfully for your kind words and advice. I will seek to contact an admiral nurse and see what they say. We have had a care needs assessment but other than getting confused and her having lost her short term memory nan is still able to cook, clean and wash herself.
We're the devils again now....because I've had to fill out the DVLA form and tell her she can't drive until they make a decision.....which could mean taking her licence away. ...uh oh :) .

Thanks again.
 

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