Caring for dad with likely dementia

[Sunbeam123]

Hi,
I'm new to all this but just need some advice as honestly not sure what to do.
I've been told that it's likely my dad has got early signs of dementia although we haven't had a formal diagnosis as such.
It started gradually with him rambling & saying a lot of things about mum which were complete rubbish & made no sense. It has recently escalated to him verbally abusing her. He shouted at her to 'get out of the house' & not come back, he then ripped up copies of their wills & POA & threw out boxes of chocolates I bought him a while ago for his birthday. She rang me as she was 'terrified' of him & what he might do. He has never physically abused her & I don't think he would but he has a walking stick that he waves around.
When he calms down he's like a completely different person & doesn't remember saying anything or what he said.
When I've tried speaking to him he is convinced that mum is conspiring against him & that she's manipulating him (which is nonsense) & that she only pretends to be scared of him & it's all an act. He keeps saying he doesn't know what to do 'about the situation' & may as well 'throw himself in the river' although I know he wouldn't. He doesn't know whether to trust me or not & that mum's turning me against him.
My mum's nerves are ripped to shreds & she's finding it impossible to cope with him. He's spoken to a dr but was completely calm & chatty with him so showed no signs of delusions, we've spoken to his dr & a mental health team & he's 'in the system' but there's a 12 week waiting list for any kind of help with social care but I don't think we can wait that long. Mum has even got a lock on her bedroom door as he opened it one morning so she could 'smell the strong smell of the loo cleaner' which there wasn’t.
Have been told if it gets really bad to call the emergency services which I don't want to do but will if I have to.
Any advice welcome, thanx x

 

[Izzy]

Welcome to the forum @Sunbeam123.

I’m so sorry to read about your dad’s situation. Your mum is very vulnerable in all of this. Please don’t hesitate to call the police if you need to.

You haven’t mentioned if your dad gets any support from social services. If he does have SS involvement I would contact them and say that your dad needs his care needs assessment reviewed. You need to tell them how vulnerable your mum is within it all too. If there’s no social services involvement then contact them and tell them your dad needs an urgent assessment. If you do have to involve the police then they will do a report for social services too.

It might also be a good idea to contact your dad’s GP and see if they would review any medication he might be on. There might even be a urine or other type of infection involved.

Admiral Nurses has a helpline and it might be helpful to speak to someone there for advice too.

Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline

Call or email our Dementia Helpline/Alzheimer’s Helpline for reassuring and practical advice from our specialist team of Admiral Nurses.

www.dementiauk.org

I’m glad you’ve found this forum. You will find lots of understanding and support here.

 

[Sunbeam123]

Hi Izzy,
Thanks for your reply. We have spoken to his dr & requested an 'urgent referral', however it took all day for him to come out & when dad spoke to him, he was his normal self, nothing rang any alarm bells. He took his blood pressure, listened to his heart & took his pulse & all seemed ok.

We have been told that they will look at his medication & also send someone out to test his cognitive abilities but I think he will pass those tests as he doesn't have much of a problem on that front. They don't think it is a UTI. We stressed to the Dr about these 'rages' that he has & how frightened mum is but was told there's no 'quick fix' for that & have to somehow cope!

He doesn't currently have any help from social services but we are waiting forms to fill out for this & have been told there is a 12 week wait for an assessment regarding any help he may be entitled to.

We did speak to the police after he told mum to 'get out' & although we explained what had happened they referred us to social services.
It just feels like we are banging our head against a brick wall & no-one understands what it's like.
I will try the phone number for the dementia nurses & see what they say. - thanks

 

[Sarasa]

A warm welcome to Dementia Talking Point from me too.
Keep badgering the doctor and SS and call the police when needed. Doctors and SS often only think of memory problems when considering dementia, when behavioural problems can also be a sign that things are awry.
We only really got moving towards getting my mum a diagnosis when she had a meltdown in the doctor’s surgery, threw her medication at the staff and screamed that they were poisoning her. Before that they just thought she was a charming, rather chatty old lady who could be a bit vague. I think they thought what we’d told them about her behaviour towards us and her neighbours was an exaggeration.

 

[canary]

We have spoken to his dr & requested an 'urgent referral', however it took all day for him to come out & when dad spoke to him, he was his normal self, nothing rang any alarm bells.

This is what is known on here as Host Mode, and on other sites as Showtiming.
It is the ability of people with dementia to suppress their symptoms for short periods of time, when the occasion demands, so that they appear (on the surface at least) quite normal. It is a phenomenon known to everyone who cares for someone with dementia, but even medical specialists often dont seem to know about it.

They cant maintain it for long - usually just long enough to convince medical personnel/social workers/solicitors/police/other authority figures or visiting relatives that all is well. Then afterwards they are exhausted by the effort and super confused and grumpy.

Its the most irritating symptom known to man, because they go to appointments, or people come to them and they suddenly perk up and none of the things that you are worried about show, so the person they are seeing thinks that there is no problem and that you are exaggerating, or making it all up. They then go away and you are left to pick up the pieces of someone who is even worse than usual.........
???

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Sunbeam123

Your post has rung alarm bells with me as your description of your dad’s behaviour is so similar to that of a friend’s father. She didn’t believe her dad would ever hurt her mum either. I think you need to make your mum’s safety a priority. Work out a plan with her so she can get into a safe room, with a lockable door (her bedroom sounds ideal), or even out of the house if she needs to and remind her to keep a charged mobile phone with her at all times.

I understand why you wouldn’t want to phone the police but, my experience of them (a neighbour called them about my dad when he scared her by knocking on her door at 2am) is that they are very good with PWD. I had reported dad as a vulnerable person with dementia previously so they had his details on record. Perhaps you could phone your local police and explain the situation to them - just in case your mum does need to call them in future.

 

[Sunbeam123]

Thanks for everyone's reply it means a lot to know there's so much support out there & it's good to know I'm not alone but also sad to realise how many people there are affected by this. I had to ring gp this morning as mum had reached breaking point & said she couldn't live in the same house as him any longer as it was unbearable. So told gp they had to send someone out or I would ring the police.
Nurse came round a few hours later to take a blood test & Dad had a complete breakdown, wouldn't let her in & gave her the full extent of his anger & how he thinks we're conspiring against him which in a way I'm glad happened as we're finally being taken seriously!

She told us she would be putting a 'safeguard' in place so mum would be protected & will fast-track getting a diagnosis. A dr will also come out on Monday to speak to him & us & hopefully refer him to a mental health team and finally get him some medication.
I've also got my mum a mobile phone & am staying with them until something gets sorted.
Fingers crossed x

 

[Anthoula]

Thinking of you and hoping you will get the help you need as soon as possible.

 

[Sarasa]

It sounds like things are moving @Sunbeam123. Do call the police if your dad starts to threaten your mum again.

 

[Mr.A]

Hello Sunbeam 123. Does the `safeguard` put in place for your mum include a phone number or other means of contact? Do have a word with an Admiral nurse as they will be aware of the safeguard procedure and what it entails and what it means. Was it explained to you by the nurse what it does? Call the police if any threats are made. I hope a solution is found to your problem and soon. Don't be put off.

 

[Sunbeam123]

Update - dad has now been taken to hospital. For whatever reason, everything came to a head this morning & he started smashing up the lounge.
Rang the police who came round & talked to him & said they didn't have the authority to force him to go with them so as dr was due to make a visit they suggested calling his surgery to speak to his gp. Gp advised they should call an ambulance as really needs to go to hospital. Rang ambulance & was told wait would be several hours, suggested quickest way would be to arrange to take him to A&E ourselves but as he wouldn't go voluntarily we'd just have to wait!!
As it turned out, they came just over an hour later, he eventually agreed to with them so hopefully finally, finally they will actually give him a proper examination & find out for certain that it is dementia or possibly something else.

They logged a PPN - Public Protection Order, as did the police that came round yesterday evening when he started 'kicking off' - i know this is probably the beginning of a long road but hopefully something will come out of this. At least Mum & myself will be able to sleep tonight if nothing else

 

[Mr.A]

Sorry to have to say this but it's proved over and over again. Social Services are not fit for purpose. They were aware of this persons demeanour but preferred to put him on a waiting list because if anything happens in the meantime the family can always call on the emergency services and that lets us off the hook. As I say I'm sorry but this really makes my blood boil. I am sure your dad will get the right and necessary care that he requires and perhaps should have had before this happened. I hope things go well from now on and you and mum get some respite.

 

[Sarasa]

Sorry it's been such a struggle to start getting your dad the help he needs @Sunbeam123. Although it is horrible that he has ended up going to hospital hopefully your dad will start getting the help he needs.

 

[canary]

Im so sorry that the crisis has come so quickly.
I just want to say that if someone talks about sectioning him, this can come as a shock but many people have found it a good thing as he would then get the assessment and treatment that he needs.