Caring for dad, is ok to lie?

[Davina40]

Difficult to know what to do. We did have support from the admiral nurse but there most be more demanding cases and they said my sisters and I were doing well looking after dad.

My dad has Alzheimer’s. Our world changed from July when my mum had a stroke and unfortunately never recovered. She was dads main carer and had retired as a mental health nurse to care for him. She kept him going and was able to get him to do so much. Wish we had seen how good mum was. We all used to support her if I am honest not as much as we should have. I miss her everyday and so feel guilty that I didn’t reach out as much as I could.

Now I and my younger sister looking after dad as my youngest sister has gone back to London. As her work has called her back. We have caters mon - wed and Fri in the day when we are at work. I have Thursdays off so have devoted that dad for looking after dad. Luckily I only work 4 days a week but it still hard at times but keep going.I stay in the week or weekends to look after dad. As I am 40 and my sister is 30 so don’t want her to miss out on having some sort of social life. I am very lucky to have a supportive husband. My dad has recently asked a lot about mum. I take him regularly to put flowers on her grave. He remembers for those minutes but he won’t remember we ve been . So I take pictures of him there so when he asked where she is I tell she has passed away and that he’s been to see her. Which seemed to work.

This week, dad has been convinced he seem mum on several occasions.He has actually seen me as i have had to him with things. I can’t sit on the chair mum used to sit on as did this once and he was convinced she was here. We agreed that we say she had gone on holiday . As my sister said if we said mum had passed he wouldn’t cope. As he was adamant he had seen her. Just feels wrong lying. Hope I am doing the right thing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Sarasa]

I think you are doing exactly the right thing @Davina40. Your dad is forgetting what happened, so every time you tell him it feels like new news to him and he will start grieving again. Saying she's popped out or something similar is a good idea. My dad died a long time before my mum developed dementia but she gradually got confused as to what had happened. In the end she thought he'd gone off with another woman, but as that didn't seem to upset her I didn't correct her. She often thought my brother, who does look a lot like my dad, was him and would say things like 'Was I eighteen when I met you?'
Another thing I did, which wasn't out and out lying was to say things when mum asked about going to see her (long dead) parents was that they were fine when I last saw them, which was true, just the last time was fifty plus years ago.

 

[Davina40]

@Sarasa thank you for your advice. So glad I found this support. It nice to chat to people that know and have been there.

 

[canary]

Hi @Davina40
When someone with dementia is unable to remember/understand the reality of their situation and becomes distressed with the truth then the only way to bridge this gap is with what is known on here as "love lies" also known as therapeutic untruths.
Because we are taught not to lie this technique is difficult, especially when dealing with loved ones. The main thing to remember, though, is that one of the jobs of the carer is to reduce anxiety and distress.
It sounds like you are doing fine
xx

 

[Davina40]

Hi @Davina40
When someone with dementia is unable to remember/understand the reality of their situation and becomes distressed with the truth then the only way to bridge this gap is with what is known on here as "love lies" also known as therapeutic untruths.
Because we are taught not to lie this technique is difficult, especially when dealing with loved ones. The main thing to remember, though, is that one of the jobs of the carer is to reduce anxiety and distress.
It sounds like you are doing fine
xx

Hi @Davina40
When someone with dementia is unable to remember/understand the reality of their situation and becomes distressed with the truth then the only way to bridge this gap is with what is known on here as "love lies" also known as therapeutic untruths.
Because we are taught not to lie this technique is difficult, especially when dealing with loved ones. The main thing to remember, though, is that one of the jobs of the carer is to reduce anxiety and distress.
It sounds like you are doing fine
xx

@canary thank you it really helps. Just wanted to know we are doing the right thing. Your right it’s not easy to lie. Your right it’s in my dads best interests.