Caring at a distance

[CoppernobJen]

Hello

My mother has been recently diagnosed with Alzheimer's and is finding it hard to accept. She is living on her own as my father passed away last year. My brother and I both live an hour and a half away and 2 hours away in opposite directions. One of us is there every other weekend and for all appointments she has. She wants to move nearer to one of us but doesn't like any of the warden controlled flats we have shown her as she wants to live within walking distance of both of us which is impossible. If we try to make a decision for her she gets very angry with me in particular and refuses to move. She is also now refusing all her medication and gets very angry with me if I try to get her to take it and tells my brother she will take it but then doesn't. She is very lonely but won't accept anyone but me or my brother coming in and does not want to go to any clubs or events. Does anyone have any advice for me as this is all new to me

Thanks

 

[fizzie]

awwwwwwwwwww what a difficult situation you are in! You are a great support for your Ma. She is probably feeling very frightened and that makes some people (my Ma included!!) very anxious and indecisive and a wee bit angry in their responses.

Warden controlled is such a good option for so many people. We have flexicare housing which is a step up from sheltered where they have a care team on site and a lunch club - do you have anything like that so that she can continue to have support when her memory gets worse?

My Mum didn't want sheltered because it was so tiny and she would miss her garden but i've seen lovely places with gardens and larger sitting rooms. Do you know why she doesn't like the ones near to you? If you could find out then maybe you would have a bit more to work with.

If you can get her to move - even if you can persuade her that you would be able to see her so much more often - then you could work on some activities. Some of us have found that initially a club which we attend with our relatives is a good first step - singing for the brain or a memory cafe perhaps and then move on to a lunch club - maybe an Age UK one.

Perhaps you could look for something near you and take your mum along and then persuade her that living closer would mean more opportunities to do things together.

Please excuse my rambling !!

 

[CoppernobJen]

She doesn't like any of them because a) they are in Wales which is where I live and b) they are not near my brother. I'm taking her to see one that has a view of the sea so I'm hoping that's a winner . I've not heard of flexicare but that's something I will look into. And I'd thought about going with her to a club or something so I'm glad that that seems a good idea. She is I know scared of doing new things on her own

 

[fizzie]

Ahhh the distance between sibs is tricky!!
I can only suggest that you try to draw her towards you with the comfort and safety of having you as a close companion to help her with some of the things she may find difficult.

Flexicare is also sometimes called extra care housing.

Good luck