• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can now be found in our new area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Carer's struggling - emergency


Registered User
Jan 21, 2016
This is my first post so I'm gonna try to explain the situation as best I can..

My mum has had dementia for over 5 years, despite many trips to the GP she has never had a diagnoses as she always refused memory clinic. We were told by GP that they couldn't 'make her go'. Anyway, over the last few years I've tried my best to care for my mum. She is unable to perform daily tasks so relies heavily on me and other family to feed, clean and dress her. She also struggles with communication and doesn't seem to understand what we say.
Over the New Year period she was unwell and was diagnosed with a UTI, she spent 2 nights in hospital and seemed much better coming home, although the nurses did have trouble changing her and communicating with her (she can be quite aggressive).
Now she's back at home she has become completely incontinent, it seems as though she has forgotten what the toilet is and how it works so she wears incontinent underwear. She also is not as steady on her feet so, with the agreement of the GP, we have completely cut off the 1st floor and everything is now on the ground floor level.
The problem we are now experiencing is her aggressive behaviour towards us when her incontinent underwear needs changing. It became almost impossible for me to get near her. She now seems physically fit so, if I try to change her she will bite me, hit me, spit at me and threaten to kill me / stab me. I called social services as this was too hard for me to cope with and they have helped to employ carers to see to her 3 times a day but the carers are really struggling. She adopts the same behaviour with them as well as throwing feaces at them. They are only managing to change her once a day (if they're lucky). This morning I've had a phone call from the carers to say my mum has thrown feaces everywhere and urgently needs cleaning but they can't get near her. I've tried myself this morning and also can't get near her. My question is what do I do now??? The only medication she is on is an antidepressant as that's all the doctors will give me. The GP also finally called the memory clinic to visit my mum but her next appointment isn't until late March!! I've been to the doctors this morning to ask for help, for some kind of sedative but they can't get a doctor round till next week! How do I get someone to help clean her now as I obviously can't leave her that long without cleaning her. Shall I call an ambulance?!? Please help! XxX


Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
Hi and welcome to TP. I'm sorry things are so bad.

My first reaction is yes, you should call an ambulance. Emphasise that she is aggressive and a danger to herself.

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
It's just always hard to know if you're doing the right thing!
For what it's worth Ldncl08, I always find the ambulance staff to be very knowledgeable and they will advise what to do next. They always perform basic checks too, and never complain even if it turns out to be nothing major.
Welcome to TP where you will find more helpful advice.


Registered User
Oct 19, 2009
Definitely, call the ambulance and explain the situation.

Apart from anything else - and I know it would be the last thing on your mind - but you need to cover your back. At one stage, a few years ago, when he was still at home, my husband would get very aggressive when I tried to change his incontinence pads or get him dressed or cleaned. I had a (male) care assistant, once a day to help - and not on weekends or holidays. At one point, after he was very aggressive (he threw me across the bedroom up against the wall and tried to strangle me) I contacted the Psychiatric Nurse and told her that with him being like that, I wasn't going to change him - I would just leave him in the same incontinence pad. - I had been fighting a long battle for more help, and getting nowhere, due to cutbacks. She responded "Oh, you can't do that. That would be neglect. You'd have the Social Worker down on your back. Just do your best."
By calling the ambulance, you are alerting the medics that things are beyond your managing, and your mother's behaviour is way beyond your control. Your mother may end up being Sectioned - but don't look on that as necessarily a bad thing. She obviously needs more help than your GP is able to give, and isn't getting it. If she is Sectioned, she will be fully assessed and hopefully, will get the help she (and you) need.

Good luck with it all - and keep posting and let us know how things go.