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Carers making mum more anxious

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by betsie, Jan 5, 2016.

  1. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    253
    Just wondered if anyone has any advice.
    Started mum with a carer for 1 hr each evening for a bit of company ( she gets anxious in the evenings and often imagines cats, missing children, not her home etc). My sisters hoped it would help.

    It is only day 2 but she seems more anxious, monday night she was phoning me up at 9pm ( she would normally have been in bed by then) saying the front door wasn't locked. She couldn't accept that no one could open it from outside.

    Tonight she phoned after he had left saying she doesn't like the carer ( it is a man and it will be him nearly all the time) he isn't her cup of tea. Then at 9 she phoned again very anxious looking for 3 missing children.

    Not sure what to do, I was worried that all it would do was push her anxiety period from 7pm till later. My sisters have the ideas but I have to implement them, do all the phone calls and organising, then pick up the fall out from mum.
    Do I stick with it and see if she improves?
    Do I ask if she can have a different person?
    Do I cancel it all together?

    Any advice greatly appreciated.
     
  2. BR_ANA

    BR_ANA Registered User

    Jun 27, 2012
    1,084
    Brazil
    It seems sun downing. No idea how to help. Usually a regular career is less stressful than a new one everyday.
     
  3. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    Is it possible that the carer can go just to have a chat and help her get to bed on the nights that we had a carer that's what we did although as she advanced she would only accept me - so she would go to bed but needed me to pop my head in to say goodnight - it was a pain but worked wonders, but that was in the last year. my Ma always used to worry about doors not being locked - I think it is just trained into us and unless we do it ourselves we never quite trust to it and I just used to reassure that I always go round to check (oh little white lie) whenever anyone has left the house. Most of the time that was good enough for her.

    If she doesn't like the man (it is early days - but what do you think of him?) then you might need to find another one - the worst thing possible is to have someone you aren't very keen on there just before bedtime, it would prey on her mind, we all need peace and reassurance before sleep I think.

    I hope it resolves but if she's anything like my Ma it might take a few attempts
     
  4. Louby65

    Louby65 Registered User

    Mar 26, 2014
    620
    Scotland
    Hi bestie . Can I ask , why it is a man? I would have thought that your mum would most likely prefer female company unless you have specified either . I know my own mum would not like a male as her carer . I certainly don't want to offend anyone but were you given the choice by the agency ? Best wishes . Lou .
     
  5. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    #5 sleepless, Jan 6, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2016
    I too would have thought female company might suit your Mum better, especially as you mention you have sisters. Not being sexist, just realist. The old saying 'you can choose your friends' came into my mind -- carers for companionship are not chosen by those they visit, so it' difficult enough sometimes to get a good 'match' but perhaps being visited every evening by a gentleman is not a very relaxing experience for her.

    Having said that, maybe others have had experience of this scenario and it has worked positively?
     
  6. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    253
    That was who they sent, we didn't think she'd mind a man as she is quite a flirt.
    The visit isn't at bedtime it is early evening just to break the loniness up as she was stating to sundown about 6-7 but all it seems to have done is push it too later in the night.

    It is an alzheimers charity so they are all special trained carers but she really doesn't seem to have clicked. He seemed fine to me but maybe he is too blokey for her if you get what I mean.
     
  7. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    I would be inclined to give them a ring and ask for a swap - you may notice an immediate change (or who knows!!!) but I wouldn't prolong it as she might fixate on carers. Because she probs doesn't realise that he has been by the time it gets to 8pm can i suggest that you change to maybe 730-830 and s/hegets her ready and snug for the night - might work, warm with a hottie . We used to programme my Ma's tv to programmes she liked that ran during her lonely times - it was a bit of an effort doing it every day but it worked for a long time
     
  8. beverrino

    beverrino Registered User

    Jan 12, 2015
    1,111
    betsie - I am considering this as an idea for my mum (she gets very lonely), but I know she wouldn't want a man (shes very old fashioned).
    My plan was (if this was to go ahead) was to introduce the person as a friend of mine and be present for the first few visits until she gets used to the person.
    Not sure if this would work, but it was a thought.
    good luck
     
  9. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    253
    Thanks for the comments. She was still very anxious and upset this morning, still looking for missing children which is very strange as she is normally really good in the day. I cancelled the man and she has a lady starting tomorrow but she can only do 5-6 so we will just have to see how it goes.

    She hasn't asked about the man today or realised he hasn't been tonight.
     
  10. fizzie

    fizzie Registered User

    Jul 20, 2011
    2,739
    Let us know how it goes. I can't remember if anyone has said this but a number of us have found that a couple of paracetamol in the evening seem to improve the night's sleep
     
  11. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    253
    She has been on temazepam (low dose) for years but has never been a great sleeper as she was nurse and worked nights most of the time.

    Fingers crossed for the lady tomorrow. I took her with me to muck out my daughters horse which she loans a couple of days a week. She had a lovely time brushing him, so I might take her there each week weather permitting. Only one phone call tonight at 7pm about missing cats ( she has a dog lol) but she wasn't upset and I just say their thde neighbours and have gone home.
     
  12. betsie

    betsie Registered User

    Jun 11, 2012
    253
    #12 betsie, Jan 6, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2016
    X
     

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