• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

Carers believe confabulations

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
362
0
MIL has continence issues which she vehemently denies if I attempt to discuss it with her. She soils her bedding and nightclothes and sometimes can have accidents in one or both bathrooms. Most recently she poo'd in my husbands car! We had a lovely carer supplied by the local council for 2 x 2 hourly visits weekly who understood the problem and MIL. This carer would pretend to go to the toilet and whilst out of the room she would strip off the bedding and put it in the wash without MIL noticing, so MIL was happy ,and she was clean and cared for. Despite 5 years post diagnosis she is very good verbally and socially. Unfortunately this carer has had to leave due to family responsibilities. The council carers supervisor has refused to add the changes that worked to the care plan, despite them working well for the last 18months with the previous carer. They say that was an 'individual agreement" and we cannot expect new carers to do the same. New carers are supposed to just ask if she needs anything doing - of course she says no as she believes she does it all herself. This just means extra visits for me to change the bedding as OH can't cope with this.
They totally believe MIL's confabulations that she is not incontinent and needs no help with laundry. They believe she has competency to decide re hygiene despite the fact that she has only changed and washed her bedding a couple of times in the last 5 years. When I first started caring for her the bedding was so rank I thew it away and replaced with new. Initially she was my only problem but now mum also has alzheimers and dad (89) is blind and deaf and I'm feeling overwhelmed at times.
All I want is for MIL's carers to believe me so they do their job and I have some time to care for my parents. I pointed out that MIL cannot possibly have competency to decide re washing her bedding when she thinks she does it herself every week. The person on the phone seemed inclined to believe me but the councils solution is to have a care review with MIL present!!! How on earth do I get the care she needs and discuss the actual situation in front of her? MIL just thinks I am lying and she tells everyone to ignore anything I say as its nothing to do with me. At the moment I am "HER" , according to MIL she would not recognise me if she sees me as I never visit , and when I go with OH he is constantly telling her I am doing things he has asked me to do to keep her calm.
I would withdraw totally from this situation if OH did not need help and support.
 

Canadian Joanne

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 8, 2005
17,168
0
67
Toronto, Canada
Would it be possible for your husband to speak to the council carer supervisor and explain the situation again? Also, he should insist on MIL not being there for the care review. Plus, there's always the option that you simply step back and let them pick up the care, if your MIL is so "competent".

If your OH has PoA, it might be worth paying for a private carer who will do as you request. I realize this may not be a possibility.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
74,132
0
Kent
Hello @silkiest

Could you copy your post and send it to whoever will chair the meeting before the date. I always wrote to the medics before meeting where my husband would be present and notice was always taken
.
 

Jessbow

Registered User
Mar 1, 2013
3,694
0
West Hertfordshire
There should be a care plan. it states wha i to be done/checked.

if one of the items is 'chek & change bed and nightwear if required' thats what they do.

You try not to approachit from a ''You soil the bed'' angle - try ''would be good if sally did it to save you the trouble'

The only way i got my mother to accept care was to reverse the psychology - ''this friend of mine needs a little job''
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
15,541
0
South coast
I agree with @Jessbow
My OH scratches himself and makes himself bleed at night so there is frequently blood all over the bedding. In the care plan it says to check the bed and change bedding as required. We are lucky with the carers - they have all worked out how to handle OH. They dont say that they are there to wash and dress him, they just say that they are there to give him a hand with bits that he finds difficult. Once he is washed and dressed they sit him downstairs with a mug of coffee and then go back and check the bed so he doesnt see them changing it or them bringing down dirty bedding (which they put without comment into the washing machine). Perhaps you could get suggestions about how to handle this put in the care plan, or mention it to the carers as they arrive. I usually explain to new carers the best way of handling things.
 

MrsV

Registered User
Apr 16, 2018
235
0
Northamptonshire
MIL has continence issues which she vehemently denies if I attempt to discuss it with her. She soils her bedding and nightclothes and sometimes can have accidents in one or both bathrooms. Most recently she poo'd in my husbands car! We had a lovely carer supplied by the local council for 2 x 2 hourly visits weekly who understood the problem and MIL. This carer would pretend to go to the toilet and whilst out of the room she would strip off the bedding and put it in the wash without MIL noticing, so MIL was happy ,and she was clean and cared for. Despite 5 years post diagnosis she is very good verbally and socially. Unfortunately this carer has had to leave due to family responsibilities. The council carers supervisor has refused to add the changes that worked to the care plan, despite them working well for the last 18months with the previous carer. They say that was an 'individual agreement" and we cannot expect new carers to do the same. New carers are supposed to just ask if she needs anything doing - of course she says no as she believes she does it all herself. This just means extra visits for me to change the bedding as OH can't cope with this.
They totally believe MIL's confabulations that she is not incontinent and needs no help with laundry. They believe she has competency to decide re hygiene despite the fact that she has only changed and washed her bedding a couple of times in the last 5 years. When I first started caring for her the bedding was so rank I thew it away and replaced with new. Initially she was my only problem but now mum also has alzheimers and dad (89) is blind and deaf and I'm feeling overwhelmed at times.
All I want is for MIL's carers to believe me so they do their job and I have some time to care for my parents. I pointed out that MIL cannot possibly have competency to decide re washing her bedding when she thinks she does it herself every week. The person on the phone seemed inclined to believe me but the councils solution is to have a care review with MIL present!!! How on earth do I get the care she needs and discuss the actual situation in front of her? MIL just thinks I am lying and she tells everyone to ignore anything I say as its nothing to do with me. At the moment I am "HER" , according to MIL she would not recognise me if she sees me as I never visit , and when I go with OH he is constantly telling her I am doing things he has asked me to do to keep her calm.
I would withdraw totally from this situation if OH did not need help and support.

Hi There,

My Mum was like that, she would tell the carers she has cleaned everything top to bottom, and done all the wahing and garden. and she doesnt want anything, and shes eaten (a lie) and shes ok. When in reality she has just sat there staring at the tv thinking everyone on tv were neighbours. and she had NOT eaten, she couldnt even make herself a cup of tea. Mum paid for the 3xdaily carer visits herself. I dont particularly rate the carers at all, well not the ones Mum had. The would take her word for it and just go. Neighbours would tell us that they never stayed longer than 5 minutes, each visit. So Mum would be in yesterdays clothes when we arrive in the evening, with te same dinner stains down the front. Yes the Carer log would say, washed, dressed and fed. Mum lived alone. My sibling and I work full time and have our own families to look after, but we would go to Mum's every evening after work and stay until bedtime, this is in addition to the 3 x carer visits daily. We would have Mum all weekend ourselves. Eventually it was just too much, between the aggression from Mum, the wandering and the fury of neighbours at Mum knocking on their doors in the middle of the night screaming through the letterbox, and banging on windows lost, and wanting to come in. Eventually Mum went into a CH, and I have to say we all breathed a sigh of relief. She's been there for a year now and has deteriorated massively. She cant walk, speak, or feed herself, she has lost the verbal punching and kicking aggression, but if looks could kill..... she sneers at us and is fuming inside, but cant communicate. visits are not a nice experience. When we ask the CH about her, they say she very angry and doesnt like anything. Poor Mum, what can we do.
 

silkiest

Registered User
Feb 9, 2017
362
0
Hi everyone thanks for your replies. I have managed to get the supervisor to agree to two assessments, an initial one with MIL and a second with us, hope it goes ok. We pay for twice daily visits via an agency in addition to the 4 hours from our local council. We are on our third agency now and have had one carer sacked and 3 removed from MIL's care as we have the backup of CCTV and can see when they only do 5-6 minute visits instead of the paid for 30 minutes, and those who claim to have done work that has not even been attempted. I find it so frustrating. When I talk to friends with relatives who have used our present or previous agency I can say that 100% of friends who have frail relatives without dementia all sing their praises, and 100% of those who have relatives with dementia all complain of poor care.
I can understand when they have at least attempted to carry out the duties planned for them and MIL is awkward ( as she so often is). But many of the carers ask open ended questions - " is there anything you want me to do?", which always ends in a curt "No" from MIL and then they go. That is no way to deal with someone with any kind of Alzheimers.
 

Staff online

Forum statistics

Threads
120,681
Messages
1,768,137
Members
71,706
Latest member
Awe1