Registered User
Feb 4, 2008
hi my name is jean i look after my mum who is 83 yrs old i have had to move home to accomadate my mum which is not a problem but i do feel quilty when i put my mum in respite and i know i shouldnt i feel like my life has been put on hold as my husband and i cant leave her on her own we do have a carer to help with bathing she wonders through the night so we take it in turns to get up with her when will i know when it is time to put her in a care home i know it has to come but dont know when to do it can anyone advise me thanks

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hello Jean.

You have done so much for your mother and are still doing, so I don`t know where the guilt comes from. If you need to use respite care to give you a break, it only makes you stronger for the following period of time.

The time to put your mother in residential care will come when you feel you just can`t cope any longer. perhaps that time is now, perhaps it`s in the near future.

Why don`t you make a start, by looking at homes in your area to give you an idea of what`s on offer. Many really good homes have waiting lists, so if you find one, perhaps you`d like to put your mother`s name down. If a vacancy came, and you were still not ready, you would be able to refuse the offer of a place, but keep your name on the list.

Hope this helps.

Finding it hard

Registered User
Feb 4, 2008
Dear Grimsby,
The question of care homes is one that faces all carers and is an important part of the process of looking after your loved one. You will know when the time has come, and it’s nothing to feel guilt about. It can be a positive step for you and your mum and doesn’t need to feel like any sort of end – just the beginning of a new stage. As for respite, take it whenever you can and try to keep your own life on an even keel. That’s got to be important for you, your family, and your mum too. It sounds like you’re making really important choices and you’ve nothing whatsoever to feel guilt about.
My thoughts are with you.