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Carer - the pressure we put on ourselves

Nannyslittlechip

Registered User
Apr 1, 2020
65
0
52
Liverpool
I care for my mum and it’s like having a child again but much harder. It’s not an enviable job. I’ve had the conversation with my daughter that she is not to care for me if I need it. It’s not a mother daughter situation I’m in now it’s a carer patient one and I don’t want her put in that position. Mum is going in a home shortly because I can’t do this anymore. I don’t think it’s something your kids should feel they have to do (unless they want to) The guilt is enough when you feel bitter towards your parent even though you shouldn’t xx
 

father ted

Registered User
Aug 16, 2010
723
0
London
It’s so different caring for a parent than a child. I cared for my Mum for 8 years when she came to live with me. At the same time I was caring for my adult daughter, and continue to do so. She is in a wheelchair and needs full personal care. For two of those years I was also visiting an elderly aunt who lived a couple of hundred miles away for whom a live in carer was arranged.
I spent a lot of time very unhappy and broken from just sheer exhaustion but felt there was no option but to carry on.
Eventually Mum had to go into a home where she has been for over 3 years and has done very well. My aunt has died and now it is just my daughter for whom I provide hands on care. It is exhausting but ensuring my daughter’s life is full with things to do and friends to see and outings to enjoy has become my social life and we have a great time.
However I still feel guilty for my Mum being in a home and seldom mention any of the nice things we do because I don’t want Mum to feel she is left out and excluded.
 

Rob_E

Registered User
Feb 1, 2015
199
0
Incredibly difficult. Cared for mum for over 10 years. Got to the stage where I simply couldn't do it any more. Nothing could have prepared me for how hard it was. It changes everything. Also, nothing could have prepared me for how brutal the system is and how difficult it can be to get help and to just get so called proffesionals to listen! I think I've also managed to encounter one of the countries most irritating social workers (I'm sure there are a few). All she could ever say when you tried to raise concerns with her was 'Hmmm'!
 

Nadya19

Registered User
Apr 6, 2021
12
0
@CAREME I feel a lot of pressure. I'm 35 and have been caring for my mom for 2 years now and I often compare the process to looking after kids (I do not have my own). At times I feel overwhelmed and feel like my life is on hold. I do not have a partner or any other family member. Work full time and care after mom. Planning to go part time now to give myself some space for emotions and me..
 

None the Wiser

Registered User
Feb 3, 2020
191
0
Hello @Nadya19, I‘m sorry that you are having to care for your mum at such a young age.
Going part time at work sounds like a good plan. We have ‘Care for the Carers‘ in our town that looks after the wellbeing of all carers, providing information, practical help and emotional support. It would be worth your while seeing if there is similar where you are.
Before things get too much for you I urge you to make contact with social services so that they are aware of your situation. Your mum can have an assessment and so can you as a Carer.
Your support network is going to be vital. Take time out for yourself whenever you can.
 

Greenwellies

New member
Nov 11, 2017
4
0
I wondered if anyone feels a lot of pressure being a carer / may even put the pressure on themselves? I just think ‘get on with it’ and I then felt how is being a carer any different to being a parent (as you can probably tell I am not a parent hence why I do not see any differences) - parents work full time and just do it, so ”why can’t I as a carer?”
First go easy on yourself. I find that all the resentments of the past rear their ugly heads e.g. my mother never physically touched us, so I have trouble having to touch her now, I just think bad things and act nice, even though I don't feel nice, it may not be the best thing, but it's getting me through. Parents expect to raise their children, not the other way round. I think what you are feeling is perfectly natural. Alas I will never be a saint.
 

Seaholly

Registered User
Oct 12, 2020
62
0
So true about resentments you thought were long-gone popping back up! I've no children because I married relatively late in life, not least because my parents were very strict with me, to the point where I never had any independence as a teenager and consequently had my teens in my twenties (cue a series of very short-lived relationship disasters linked to being utterly clueless :D) and spent my 30s just getting my confidence back in myself and focussing on work and hobbies. It shocks me when sometimes, I actually find myself thinking, "this is just where you wanted me - isn't it?!" when Mum is at her lowest and most challenging - no children or grandchildren to look after, never moved too far from home, so absolutely no excuse not to look after her!

Of course, it's not really like that at all and I know my parents did their very best for me and their own ideas were very much shaped by their own culture and upbringing. I'm actually glad I am there for mum and I can do my bit.

You just have to love the good days and remember the bad days will pass :)
 

DreamsAreReal

Registered User
Oct 17, 2015
77
0
... sometimes, I actually find myself thinking, "this is just where you wanted me - isn't it?!" when Mum is at her lowest and most challenging - no children or grandchildren to look after, never moved too far from home, so absolutely no excuse not to look after her!
Me too! I think that quite often. Not quite the same situation as you, but similar. Any attempts to cut the apron strings thwarted. Unlike you, I don’t feel glad to be able to help - just trapped.
 

Nadya19

Registered User
Apr 6, 2021
12
0
Hello @Nadya19, I‘m sorry that you are having to care for your mum at such a young age.
Going part time at work sounds like a good plan. We have ‘Care for the Carers‘ in our town that looks after the wellbeing of all carers, providing information, practical help and emotional support. It would be worth your while seeing if there is similar where you are.
Before things get too much for you I urge you to make contact with social services so that they are aware of your situation. Your mum can have an assessment and so can you as a Carer.
Your support network is going to be vital. Take time out for yourself whenever you can.
Thanks for advice. I'm trying to build some network of support from friends for emotional support..I will look into social services support thank you. I have been meanning to do it but was postponing it for a while now ..
 

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