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Carer schedules

Twopoodles

Registered User
Dec 23, 2019
35
Mum has been having carers since September 2019. The first agency we used visited 3 times a week for lunch and tea time visit. After some issues such as lack of communication we changed the agency and reduced the visits to twice a week for one and a half hours at lunchtimes. We realised that mum was never going to be told to have a shower and resigned ourselves to at least she was getting some social interaction. However at the moment she refuses to engage with them and just tells them to go all the time and doesn’t understand why they are here. I have been living with mum now for 5 weeks so the need for cleaning and making lunch is not so necessary so it really a respite for me although I am now getting messages from the carer to say that mum is agitated etc. The carer is exhausted as mum is openly hostile towards her and doesn’t engage. I’m not sure that we should continue on with them but am worried that if we disengage now we have no back up plan and also thought it would get mum used to it when she eventually has to go to a CH. Has anyone else gone through this,does it get better or should we just throw in the towel and stop wasting our money. I do go out when we don’t have carers there so mum is left on her own and I generally get around 9 calls an hour.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,222
cornwall
Mum has been having carers since September 2019. The first agency we used visited 3 times a week for lunch and tea time visit. After some issues such as lack of communication we changed the agency and reduced the visits to twice a week for one and a half hours at lunchtimes. We realised that mum was never going to be told to have a shower and resigned ourselves to at least she was getting some social interaction. However at the moment she refuses to engage with them and just tells them to go all the time and doesn’t understand why they are here. I have been living with mum now for 5 weeks so the need for cleaning and making lunch is not so necessary so it really a respite for me although I am now getting messages from the carer to say that mum is agitated etc. The carer is exhausted as mum is openly hostile towards her and doesn’t engage. I’m not sure that we should continue on with them but am worried that if we disengage now we have no back up plan and also thought it would get mum used to it when she eventually has to go to a CH. Has anyone else gone through this,does it get better or should we just throw in the towel and stop wasting our money. I do go out when we don’t have carers there so mum is left on her own and I generally get around 9 calls an hour.
Do you have LPOA? I haven't been through this but what about day care maybe in a home? It would get her used to carers for when she goes into a home..
 

Twopoodles

Registered User
Dec 23, 2019
35
Yes we have financial LPA and yes would love for mum to go to a day care facility but she point blank refuses. Her favourite word is no. Mums never really been a social creature and does not like travelling. At the moment I can get her to walk around the block but not in a car so even without the stubbornness logistically too hard. Sorry to sound harsh but it’s quite an effort trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and is unaware of their diminishing capacity.
 

CardiffGirlInEssex

Registered User
Oct 6, 2018
153
All I can offer is sympathy, my mother also refuses to engage, doesn't recognise that she has problems, refuses to wear hearing aid then complains no one talks to her (they do, but she can't hear and/Or remember). I am hoping it is a phase that will pass, but it seems to be going on forever at the moment. Very difficult. Trying to get a PWD to agree to anything is a lost cause, what winds me up is that Social Services use that as an excuse to not put in place necessary support.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,222
cornwall
Yes we have financial LPA and yes would love for mum to go to a day care facility but she point blank refuses. Her favourite word is no. Mums never really been a social creature and does not like travelling. At the moment I can get her to walk around the block but not in a car so even without the stubbornness logistically too hard. Sorry to sound harsh but it’s quite an effort trying to help someone who doesn’t want to be helped and is unaware of their diminishing capacity.
Yep I know.Dad refused to go into respite (I was feeling work out and stressed with caring for him and mum.Divorced from dad and no dementia.) Dad has VD.So I just arranged it behind his back and told him that he could go or stay at home with more carers popping in .Either way I was stepping back.So he went for a month..He didn't join in any activities(dad not a joiner) but his choice.But yes I get it.Completely understand but my health has to come first.For once.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
252
I sympathise with you Twopoodles as my mum was just like this. My sister and I had carers for mum for tea time visits, for over two years before she went into a care home, but she would never let them do anything or engage with them. She was always saying "I don't need these people, why are they coming" ( in reality she couldn't do anything ). We just said it was for peace of mind as mum was living by herself. It did feel like wasted money, but we kept the carers in the hope mum would accept them (sadly she never did, but maybe your mum will in time.) I would keep the carers so that you can get out by yourself. When you are out is it your mum or the carers who ring you? If the latter, can you just say not to ring you unless an absolute emergency. It's a shame your mum won't do day care as my mum really enjoyed that. Could you go with her for a few sessions to help her settle.
 

Twopoodles

Registered User
Dec 23, 2019
35
Thanks for support, seems to be a common theme which is why I love these forums. Would love to get to day centre but last time we went in the car ( last week I tried) she was hysterical after 2 miles. Such a shame there’s a whole world of help out there and of course she thinks she’s ok and “better” than the other old folk. I can’t even lead the horse to water. But today has started off well managed shower and hair wash sounds like carrying on with the carers could be money wasted but at least it’s some sort of social interaction, even though the poor girl is drained when I get back. Maybe I’ll try shorter sessions
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,219
Have the carers come whilst you are there. You will then see the situation, and how mother reacts first hand.
If you stay calm, and relaxed, then mother might calm down also. Ask the carer to help you do something for mother, might just be getting her tea, (carer does the actual making and serving)
After a while, you might just have to be out when carer arrives......
Get the agency to send the same person each time, at least till the carer is accepted, then as smaller team as possible.
Tis a case of slowly, slowly catchee monkey. Keep at it.

Bod
 

Twopoodles

Registered User
Dec 23, 2019
35
Unfortunately the reaction is raised eyebrows and tight lipped when the carer arrives that’s when we tried the me being out when she arrives approach. At first she used to let her make lunch, trouble was when I came home she’d forgotten she’d had lunch so would have 2 lunches even if I tried to make mine sneakily as theres not enough time for me to have lunch out. We have the same girl each time and she really tries to engage although I did come home to reality cops one day and when i have come back early have sat down to chat with them both and she does keep looking at her phone. Sorry got to abandon this being summonsed
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
252
Hi Twopoodles
The carer certainly shouldn't be looking at her phone, I'd be telling her, then reporting if it continues.
As Bryan has said it's worth trying different carers/agencies to find someone your mum relates to better.
Although my mum didn't particularly engage with any of the carers, she did seem less withdrawn with the more mature carers, than the young girls. She probably felt she had more in common than with the youngsters ( although they were always pleasant to mum when I was there.)
 

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
1,618
Dorset
Carers use their phone all the time nowadays to record what is happening, keep their offices up to date or receive information/orders from them, so it is difficult to tell if they are ‘working ‘ when texting or following their own private conversations.
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,169
Hi Twopoodles
The carer certainly shouldn't be looking at her phone, I'd be telling her, then reporting if it continues.
As Bryan has said it's worth trying different carers/agencies to find someone your mum relates to better.
Although my mum didn't particularly engage with any of the carers, she did seem less withdrawn with the more mature carers, than the young girls. She probably felt she had more in common than with the youngsters ( although they were always pleasant to mum when I was there.)
The care agency my mother-in-law had used a smartphone app to record visits, to which I had access .
 

Twopoodles

Registered User
Dec 23, 2019
35
Amazingly I didn’t get out because I had a phone call so was there when carer arrived. Mum raises eyebrows, arms in the air and usual tight lipped glaring at me. Anyway long story short I didn’t go out, we all sat down and chatted and mum has said three times well that was nice wasn’t it seeing someone. Expensive way of getting some sort of social interaction mind. Good point about the phone as she does seem like a nice girl, mum had a carer in her 60’s at first and they didn’t get along at all and the carer hated her job told us at every opportunity
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
252
It is an expensive way of getting some social interaction, Twopoodles, but probably money well spent if it means that your mum gets used to the carer and enjoys their company. If you do this for a while, hopefully you'll soon be able to leave them alone together. This could work for befriended/ day care etc. Your mum feels more settled whilst you're with her, perhaps try just leaving the room for 5 minutes at first, then gradually increase the time. It may work.
 

Twopoodles

Registered User
Dec 23, 2019
35
Thanks anxious annie, I’ll give it a try. It seems to be whenever I go out whoever is there gets the questions when am I coming back etc. It’s been a tricky weekend with l want to go home on a bit of a loop, trouble is she thinks it’s my home. She has told the carer that I am like her, I come in and do stuff and then go out, so sometimes I think she thinks I am a carer. Oh well day by day. I have emailed the agency asking for their opinion but don’t hold out much hope
 

deepetshopboy

Registered User
Jul 7, 2008
249
Thanks anxious annie, I’ll give it a try. It seems to be whenever I go out whoever is there gets the questions when am I coming back etc. It’s been a tricky weekend with l want to go home on a bit of a loop, trouble is she thinks it’s my home. She has told the carer that I am like her, I come in and do stuff and then go out, so sometimes I think she thinks I am a carer. Oh well day by day. I have emailed the agency asking for their opinion but don’t hold out much hope
Id call the agency and ask to speak to a experienced member of staff like the manager normally they should have some experience of dementia from working in that environment with dementia etc for long time explain what’s happening see if they offer any suggestions would your mum go out with a carer for tea in a cafe or centre ie dementia cafe i have a carer taking my dad out once a week it’s expensive and stressful tbh hes not overjoyed but gives me 3 hours to myself
 

Twopoodles

Registered User
Dec 23, 2019
35
Thanks for advice, all gratefully received. I would love for mum to go out with the carer ( don’t think carer would be keen) but mum will not go out, she will walk with me to the corner shop sometimes (about once a week) but other than that has no interest in going to the shops and definitely not cafes. Hates going in cars has been out twice in the car in last 3 months and was hysterical last time so came home. Consultant appointment this week so see how that goes and have emailed care agency for advice.
 

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