Carer relief


Registered User
Apr 4, 2004
Hi everyone! I am a newly registered to this site, and have found reading the discussion board very useful. I would be grateful if any one has some practical help to offer with my query.

My 79 yr old mother has been diagnosed with AD for 5+ years, she is slowly deteriorating and is cared for full time by my father. In previous years in order to have a break he has taken the odd week holiday and my mother has stayed with myself or my sister (which at the time she has always enjoyed). He now refuses to do this as he says she makes his life so unpleasant for 'abandoning' her and months later still berates him that he says a holiday is 'not worth the effort' This has now also become the case with the carers we had organised to come and sit with Mum. Whilst Mum would be delightful to them, as soon as they went Dad would be at the receiving end of her temper and now he has cancelled them as well. The upshot of all this is that he is having no support at all. He is, not unreasonably, now at the end of his tether.

What can I do to help aleviate this situation? He has no quality of life and now the atmospher between them is dire.

Many thanks.


Registered User
Oct 9, 2003
Birmingham Hades
I am in a similar situation to your Dad and in a similar age bracket.
I have struggled on for 7 years with no help until I feel I must get some relief.How long is your Mom's short term memory,how long is it that she remembers carers have been?
My wife has only about 5 -10 minutes short term memory so I am carrying on with the carers for although she is charming to them I really get ear ache when they leave.
The relief that I get having some time to myself makes this worthwhile and in a short time the episode is forgotten,until the next time!!
Remember also that these carers are used to handling these situations ,Mine are "Crossroads" and they take it all in their stride having seen it all before.
Don't know if this helps but best of luck


Registered User
Mar 9, 2004
Hi Annie,

My stepmum has the same problem with my Dad, he blames her for sending him away from home to daycare, and hates it if she goes out for a little while and leaves him on his own. I think that the only advice I can give is that you have to distance yourself from the anger, which my stepmum is now able to do more and more. He is angry with her because she is the only person there, and it isn't her that is causing all the pain and upset, it's the dementia! Also, it is very true as the previous reply said that everything is of course forgotten very quickly by the person with dementia, but angry words stay in the carers mind for a while. Perhaps we have to learn to follow their example and forget them too. Your Dad absolutely must have a break, and if he doesn't things can only get worse. I really hope you can persuade him that it is worth carrying on with carers and respite breaks.

good luck,



Registered User
Apr 4, 2004
Dear Norman and Fozz,

Thank you so much for your replies - they do help. My Mum seems to latch on to an idea and keeps going over it endlessly - so if she feels angry for having someone sit with her she does seem to harbour the grudge for a long time - even though most things said to her seem to have a five to ten minute time span.
The grudge is altered and embellished along the way, but still my Dad seems to suffer enormously for weeks and months.

I can't see this situation continuing for much longer - Dad refuses all help - he won't even agree to my staying at the house in order to give him a break - again because its not worth the ear ache. He now feels as if she is being manipulative - by moaning about the support he enlists she is efectively controlling the sitaution. It seems hard to explain that it is the dementia not the person which repsonds like this.

I feel strongly that with out outside assistance my dad will capsize under the pressure and that means a home for my Mum, which is what he really doesnt want for her yet.


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