1. LisaTudor

    LisaTudor Registered User

    Mar 9, 2016
    Madrid, Spain
    Hello everyone, I'm new to the group.
    My father passed away on December 13th. My mother has been suffering from Alzheimer for about two years now, and since she cannot live by herself, she has moved in with us.
    I already have a full-time job, a husband and three children.
    I go to bed every night crying. I know my mother can't help having this terrible disease, but what with grieving for my dad (we were extremely close and it hit me really hard), and repeating myself constantly to my mum .... I really feel despaired. My life changed completely on December 13th, and I don't know if it will be the same again. I have no time for my husband, children, and least of all for myself. I feel completely depressed and don't know what to do.
    We live in Spain, my mother doesn't speak Spanish, so it's very difficult to find an English-speaking support group for her.
    I really don't know what do to.... would appreciate hearing from anyone who's going through something similar.
  2. little shettie

    little shettie Registered User

    Nov 10, 2009
    Oh Lisa, I do know how you feel as I've done exactly the same thing. Mum lives with us now, for last 18 months after my dad died and she couldn't cope. I think the only difference is I haven't got children at home now, not sure I could cope with that as well. You are very brave. I don't know what the system is like In spain but you must get some help in for you and mum. I cared for both parents for over 8 years single handedly and then when dad died mum for 3 years. Now I have carers coming it really helps. Mum was dead against it at first but so looks forward to them coming. You must have help otherwise you will suffer melt down and your health is just as important if not more so. And you family is important too. We can get so swept up with this illness we forget about the other important things. I hope you get sorted. xx
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    You need help that's for sure. What about hiring a couple of students who are studying English and would go out walking or shopping with her for a few hours. Perhaps they could take her out in the evenings to give you a break. I know jobs are hard to come by in Spain so I'm sure there will be some young people keen for part time work especially if they are hoping for a career in care or medical work here in the UK.
  4. Livveywills

    Livveywills Registered User

    Jul 11, 2015
    Sending big hugs over to you.

    We cared for mum until yesterday (trialing a lovely care home) along with working full time and 5 children, didn't have her in our home but in the same street. I can totally identify with the feelings of being not being able to give any time to your husband and kids. It is terrifying how easily that happens and how all consuming caring for the loved one with dementia becomes.

    I realised that as a family we had to survive this horrible illness, my children still had to have a childhood and I needed my marriage in order to also survive it. Getting carers to help, and getting mum into a daycare were a great help, even the lady that took mum out to the shops for an hour each week. It all meant for a few moments I wasn't directly responsible and we could get some time as a family.

    I don't know what elderly support options there might be in Spain, but even an English speaking person who could spend take your mum out for a while, or that she could have a meal with once a week would give you a little bit of breath - space to remember your family and to grieve for your dad.

    Just creating little moments where you aren't 'the carer' can really help xx
  5. jorgieporgie

    jorgieporgie Registered User

    Mar 2, 2016
    Sorry to hear your struggling have you had a talk to your doctor, maybe an anti depressant will take the edge off. I am the same as you, my Mother as vascular dementia and I moved her in with me 18 months ago. I haven't any children at home but look after my two grandchildren. I don't seem to have the quality time with them now as my Mother needs all my attention. I had to give work up and miss that too. I found myself crying every day and didn't want to go out the house or even get dressed. The doctor prescribed me a low dose of anti depressant and it seems to help. I hope not to be on them to long but also I have gone through a divorce which doesn't help.
    I hope you find some English Speaking groups for you I'm sure their most be some.
    Chin up and good luck.xx
  6. PhilippaD

    PhilippaD Registered User

    Mar 10, 2016
    Me too!

    I am so glad to read that there are others in a similar situation to me. My Dad passed away suddenly in December too, and Mum moved in with us the day after we had moved into our new home, having got married in August. Mum's dementia has accelerated so much since then and she fell six weeks ago and broke her hip. Now she is immobile and has to be transferred from bed to commode to chair using a rotunda. It is physically tiring and emotionally draining. I can't leave the house without finding a carer and had to give up my long-term teaching post. Mum sleeps 20 hours a day approximately, which means that she is now almost totally incontinent, she can't engage in any conversation and has lost all her memories.

    Trying to care for her well, whilst blending two families and being newly-wed is an enormous challenge. I too am often tearful and low. Thank God for friends dropping in to help keep me going. The days are endlessly long, but at least we have got Mum sleeping at night after having to take shifts to take her to the commode twenty times a night when she came out of hospital following her hip operation.
  7. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Welcome to TP Philippa :)
    You'll get lots of support here.
  8. LisaTudor

    LisaTudor Registered User

    Mar 9, 2016
    Madrid, Spain
    Thank you everyone for your support. It's nice to know I'm not alone!
  9. opaljewels

    opaljewels Registered User

    Mar 24, 2016
    Found I'm not alone !

    Just a hello as I think I will be on here quite a lot.
    Mother has dementia- not officially diagnosed as yet though - to be blunt we needed to get the Power of Attorney in place to protect her finances.
    Depression has been threatening to overwhelm me and I hope on here I can chat and it's nice (! ) to know I'm not alone.
    Need to take some time out from a hectic job to get my life in order so we (my sister and I) can manage the care of our Mother.
    Bye for now and I will be back soon.
  10. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    Welcome to TP :)

    You are most certainly not alone on here.
  11. Kjn

    Kjn Registered User

    Jul 27, 2013
    Nobody is alone here on TP, welcome xx

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