1. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I suppose I will just have to cancel and postpone everything again to make sure I can get there. Just have a feeling people will go on doing or not doing whatever they are going to do or not do anyway whether I am there or not.

    Lila
     
  2. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi Lila,

    Not sure what the background is to this comment, but can empathise with probs of care reviews. Sometimes it feels like there's just nothing you can do and you're at their mercy. I guess at least being there shows others that you DO care, and are at least aware of what they're doing or not doing.

    best wishes

    Áine
     
  3. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Well, I was thinking of writing a letter to my mother and leaving it to her to give to the Social Worker if she wants to.

    You see, going to these meetings etc. doesn't involve just popping round the corner for me.

    (I am disabled and ill myself and exhausted with all the travelling around.)

    Lila
     
  4. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    She doesn't want me to go. She says "you aren't a carer, are you?" From her point of view carers are "the girls" who come in 2-3 times a day, not family members.
     
  5. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    She'll say she doesn't want me to be there, then she'll complain to others that I'm not there.

    She's legally sane, has a perfect right to exclude me from her house and then to accuse me of abandoning her.

    And then to phone again with pathetic pleas to get me to order food for her. And then when her bank statement arrives she can still read enough to complain about how much I've spent.

    So, whatever I do I'll still be in the wrong.

    Lila
     
  6. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Lila,
    A number of questions cos I am getting a little mixed up and can't remember your situation fully.
    1) How old is your mum?
    2) How far does she live from you, and how far from your brother?
    3) Does your mum want to move house? If yes, does she want to live independently, or would she prefer to be in some type of Home?
    4) I remember you saying that your brother thought that mum should go into a nursing home . Does he still think this now there has been some improvement in your mum's condition?
    5) You mentioned that your health is not good, what about your brother's health?
    6) If your mum is having difficulty living independently, and you yourself are not well, might it not be worth trying to find a nice Residential Home for your mum, where you and your brother would know that she was safe and well cared for. If it was close to you, you would be able to see her and be her daughter, without the stress of being her carer, and worrying that she was safe.
    6) Is there no way that you and your brother can reach some sort of compromise;
    you both seem to want to sort out your mum's situation, but at the moment have different ideas. The one thing for sure is that the continuing tension cannot be doing any of you any good. What is it that your brother wants for your mum? Let your friends on TP see if they can see any positives in his solution that you might not be able to see because you are so close to the situation.
    Take care.
    Amy
     
  7. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Hello Amy

    A number of questions cos I am getting a little mixed up and can't remember your situation fully.
    1) How old is your mum? [/B][/COLOR] 82

    2) How far does she live from you, and how far from your brother?

    About 2-3 hours by public transport

    3) Does your mum want to move house? If yes, does she want to live independently, or would she prefer to be in some type of Home?

    Yes, she wants to live independently.[/B]

    4) I remember you saying that your brother thought that mum should go into a nursing home . Does he still think this now there has been some improvement in your mum's condition?

    Sometimes better, sometimes worse
    .
    5) You mentioned that your health is not good, what about your brother's health?

    Better than mine, but he gets tired.

    6) If your mum is having difficulty living independently, and you yourself are not well, might it not be worth trying to find a nice Residential Home for your mum, where you and your brother would know that she was safe and well cared for. If it was close to you, you would be able to see her and be her daughter, without the stress of being her carer, and worrying that she was safe.

    I think she will be able to live independently in the sort of retirement apartments I have been looking at, with careworkers coming in. Of course no-one can predict how anyone will be after a few months, or years.




    6) Is there no way that you and your brother can reach some sort of compromise;
    you both seem to want to sort out your mum's situation, but at the moment have different ideas. The one thing for sure is that the continuing tension cannot be doing any of you any good. What is it that your brother wants for your mum? Let your friends on TP see if they can see any positives in his solution that you might not be able to see because you are so close to the situation.

    I am sure that eventually we will come to some sort of compromise.


    Take care.
    Amy[/QUOTE]
     
  8. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    I was trying to do the answers in blue for contrast, sometimes it works.

    What is happening mostly is that I am emphasising the things my mother can do, and my brother (and others) is/are emphasising the things she can't do.

    It is always difficult (impossible) to balance out safety versus independence, there is no life without risks.

    In the end, it'll be her choice, until she is really unable to express a preference.

    Lila
     
  9. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    Hiya Lila
    But if your mum is prepared to go for the safer option now, it would mean less worry for you, in the short and long term, and may mean that her future is more settled rather than having to move again in 12,24,36 months.
    Who are the "others" who are also emphasising what mum cannot do?
    Amy
     
  10. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Not sure what you mean by the safer option, Amy.

    There are some others (friends, relations etc.) who wanted to turn my mother into a baby before her time. People who wanted to get a commode, at a time when going to the bathroom was her only exercise. People who literally spoonfed her, at a time when she was able but not very willing to eat properly like a grown up.

    When people came to tea, during the time when I was staying full-time with my mother (and there was more social activity there during that time than there been since my father's funeral nearly 7 years ago), I got out her best china and everyone said, you should get her one of those plastic things, and someone even brought a baby's feeding-bottle, but my mother was perfectly capable of using a best china cup and saucer, and nothing was broken, and very little got spilt.

    If they'd had their way she'd probably need full-time nursing care now, and her muscles would have got more and more atrophied. As I say, we may all end up in that state (needing commodes and plastic feeding things) but there's no need to hurry the process along.
     
  11. Amy

    Amy Registered User

    Jan 4, 2006
    3,453
    #11 Amy, Mar 19, 2006
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2006
    OK Lila,
    Here goes, I'll try and explain what I mean.
    In previous postings you have mentioned
    a] your mum getting headaches because she spends too much time lying in bed.
    b] your mum having falls and ending up in casualty
    c] Social services feeling that your mum warrants 3 visits a day from care workers
    d] Mum wandering around outside during the night
    e] Mum being unable to make sure that she is eating properley
    f] you believe that she has a memory problem and the start of dementia.
    g] Your brother is concerned for your mum's welfare.
    Which of these would be eased by mum continuing to live independently? Are the retirement flats contolled by a warden, so that there is someone at hand to help mum if necessary? Would she have any more company to ensure that she doesn't spend the day in bed? All I wonder is if the structure and company in a residential home might not actually be better for your mum. It needn't take away her independence; she would still have her own room; she would have company and stimulation from other residents, social events organised; she would have assistance on hand if she had a fall. There are a lot of positives.
    Hope this explains my thinking a little more clearly.
    Amy
     
  12. KaC

    KaC Registered User

    Feb 26, 2006
    32
    surrey
    for my dad staying at home was the best thing for him but he wasnt suffering from anything more than mild dementia - there wasnt danger to himself (although i did worry if he left the gas etc on) and knew night from day also I was able to see him daily , he aways came round after I had finished work so he was still aware of time etc it was only in the last few weeks before he was hosptialsed that he deteriorated so quickly so much that he could nt be at home alone.

    some of the reisdential homes I have seen are very good and care for the "in between" stage offering comfort me4als etc and peace of mind for you.
    the home my dad was in the more able residents were able to enjoy the outings, activities and company and I wished in many ways that dad would have been able to have enjoyed them too, as all he has ever had was myself and my children for company

    karenx
     
  13. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    My mother tells me quite definitely that I am not invited to the care review because I am "not a carer". I don't know why my brother is invited, as I have spent far more time with her and done so much more for her than he has ever done. But that is her choice. Perhaps my presence cramps her style, e.g. when I mention to others that not everything she says is true.

    Yes, each person has to decide for her- or himself what is the best thing for someone who is mildly demented, and at the moment my mother is legally able to decide for herself.

    It is just sad that different family members etc. pull in different directions. This illness is forcing us to have far more contact with each other than we'd normally have, I have seen so many relations etc. I hadn't seen for years and had no particular wish to see again.

    Lila
     
  14. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Have just had a stroppy conversation with someone from Social Services who obviously thinks I am neglecting my mother. She will be there at this Care Review and so will the Care Manager whom my mother previously sacked for being so bossy. I've warned my mother not to hit any of them, however tempting this might be. She says she never hits anyone. I remind her of occasions when she's hit my brother and me, but that doesn't count of course. She still thinks she has a right to hit her own children. I say aren't you lucky we weren't taken into care, what would she do now with both of her children taken into care. She said she wouldn't hit R (her younger sister) "she's bigger and stronger than you!" She mentions that she never hit my father, although "he didn't always do as he was told!"

    Well, I say, I am only an unpaid servant who travels 3 hours to fill up her freezer, and do washing etc. and goes around looking at care homes and finding them unsatisfactory, etc. And if I don't answer her phone calls she'll go round to the neighbours complaining of my neglect.
     
  15. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    1,342
    Now she says she won't go to the Care Review either, so I point out they are having it in her house, and so she can just lie on the bed and ignore them if she likes. In theory she could refuse to let them in. I would not recommend that, as she wants to go on having the "girls" coming in daily.
     

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