Care homes

[Crownlyn]

Hi, I’m not sure if this has already been asked but do you take the PWD with you to look round the potential care homes?
I originally planned to do this imagining my mum walking in and saying I’d love to live here but I’m probably in cuckoo land and should look at homes with my husband before making a decision. What have others done?
Thank you

 

[TNJJ]

Hi. I didn't take my dad to look at homes. This was for respite. He didn't even know he was going. The default is always "no" when asked about anything especially if he wanted to go in.I managed a months respite over 3 years ago. There has been none since. He still lives at home .. for the moment.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Crownlyn

I looked at homes for my mother and husband without consulting them in any way. Neither would have been in a position to make a rational judgement and I think it would only have caused them confusion.

 

[Sarasa]

I didn’t take my mum as I knew however lovely a care home was and how suitable for her needs she would be very upset that I thought she needed to move to one.
I’d go and visit the homes with your husband, that way you can ask questions that you might not want to ask in front of your mother. All homes are different and what suits one person won’t another.
If your mum is very keen to move into care you could take her to see your shortlisted two, but even that could be risky as what would you do if she hated them both?

 

[canary]

I looked at care homes without my mum as there was no way that she would have agreed to move into one as she was convinced that she was coping perfectly well at home (she wasnt). Eventually, though, she ended up in hospital , was found to lack capacity and moved to a care home from there.

OH has been in respite recently and I did all the research on my own. We did both view the one that I had already decided on (he didnt know this) as he still has capacity and they needed his consent. Fortunately, the person who showed us round was brilliant and I enthused about it all, saying how wonderful it was and how Id rather like to stay there myself (not entirely fabricated!), so he became enthusiastic too and agreed.

 

[Thethirdmrsc]

No, my husbands son and I did the visiting, which based on the care home inspections that my daughter put into a spread sheet! With my husband the less information you give home, the better for him.

 

[update2020]

i have done a bit of both depending on circumstances with different relatives. i would probably find just one or two that you are happy with before introducing her.

Any care home will eventually want to meet your mum before they accept her so that they can assess whether they can meet her needs. They will advise you how to do this. Usually it includes them visiting her in her own home before admission is agreed.

 

[Crownlyn]

In the night time my mum would happily go as she thinks they would sort her sugar levels but in the morning she has completely forgotten the previous night and would fully understand it’s a ‘care home’ she’s being taken to. During the day she’s bored and dozes off as she’s been up half the night.
I read on another thread about day centres (my mum has always hated anything like that, as do I) but I suppose I should consider them.
Another thing to add to the ‘to do’ list before I book to see a few homes.

 

[Muttimuggle]

Hi, I’m not sure if this has already been asked but do you take the PWD with you to look round the potential care homes?
I originally planned to do this imagining my mum walking in and saying I’d love to live here but I’m probably in cuckoo land and should look at homes with my husband before making a decision. What have others done?
Thank you

Actually, this is something which had crossed my mind as I think, now, I am preparing for the choice of a care home. At the same time as this I am also awaiting for our signed papers to go through for Joint and Several Power of Attorney for my Mum. This has been held up by my brother who is an absent invisible except when he turns up to criticise what I do...but we were following my mother's, sometimes confused, wishes about this. Also, the solicitor my brother chose has been dragging his feet about it. Anyway, the process has put, into the forefront of my mind, how important it is to follow my mother's wishes as much as is possible- even when she does not have full capacity.

So pre any dementia I would have always included my mother in such a decision- and she used to like to take control (still trying to now sometimes - but in an illogical way). But as someone else posted here- what if I took her to see, for example, the best 2 care homes I could find and she then has a bit of reflection and said she didn't want either. My decision is also wrapped up in my ability or lack of ability to run her care at home and feel satisfied that she is safe - and I think my mother is unable to see the bigger picture. She is currently immobilised in hospital after breaking her femur and I don't know what her reaction might be, after the re-hab has happened which she is due. She might agree that she can no longer manage at home. I won't know that until that time comes because she has a habit of changing her mind about things.

I think the Social Worker's assessment, which will come at the end of her 6 week "recovery" is what I need to clarify and provide backing to me - so I cross my fingers about that one.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Hi, I’m not sure if this has already been asked but do you take the PWD with you to look round the potential care homes?
I originally planned to do this imagining my mum walking in and saying I’d love to live here but I’m probably in cuckoo land and should look at homes with my husband before making a decision. What have others done?
Thank you

The thing is, if you take her and she says, 'No! It's a dreadful place!', where does that leave you? It would be hard to say, 'Tough - you're coming to live here whether you like it or not!'

But that's actually the real situation - you've reached the stage where she needs a care home, she just can't see that and never will.

As others have suggested, choose a home yourself then just take her. If she objects, use any excuse you can think of, e.g. the doctor has said you need to be somewhere restful till you're stronger, or, your boiler is broken so we've arranged for you to stay here till it's fixed, etc.

 

[Carmenjane]

I would also advise you not to take your DWP with you to visit care homes, for all the reasons cited by previous posters.

 

[canary]

Anyway, the process has put, into the forefront of my mind, how important it is to follow my mother's wishes as much as is possible- even when she does not have full capacity.

I think the pertinent bit is the bit I have bolded. Yes, its important to follow your mums wishes, even when she has lost capacity, but once her needs cannot be met at home, and it is no longer safe for her to be there, then it is a completely different matter.

There comes a time when you have to change from enabling their wants to enforcing their needs..

 

[Muttimuggle]

The thing is, if you take her and she says, 'No! It's a dreadful place!', where does that leave you? It would be hard to say, 'Tough - you're coming to live here whether you like it or not!'

But that's actually the real situation - you've reached the stage where she needs a care home, she just can't see that and never will.

As others have suggested, choose a home yourself then just take her. If she objects, use any excuse you can think of, e.g. the doctor has said you need to be somewhere restful till you're stronger, or, your boiler is broken so we've arranged for you to stay here till it's fixed, etc.

Thanks. I needed this. I keep chopping and changing my mind about care home type- just had a conversation on phone with mother who has been moved out of her covid ward now, 10 days apparently up. She seemed so "with it" on the phone just now. Other days, other times of day I do not seem to be able to get her to understand anything and communication is so poor. Just have to let the next rehab step come, when it happens, whilst continuing with my research, visiting and familiarisation of care homes.

 

[Muttimuggle]

I think the pertinent bit is the bit I have bolded. Yes, its important to follow your mums wishes, even when she has lost capacity, but once her needs cannot be met at home, and it is no longer safe for her to be there, then it is a completely different matter.

There comes a time when you have to change from enabling their wants to enforcing their needs..

Thank you for your support. I have a chopping and changing mind, as described to Jaded'n'faded....wanting to do the right thing, but mindful of how I really feel I can no longer cope, either emotionally or physically with my mother in her own home. It does help to vent this sort of stuff on here. I have a sort of guilt that it feels like me who isn't coping - not necessarily my mother!......but that cannot really remain true. She has only managed a few steps with a zimmer after nearly 3 weeks and has missed out on most of the important physio she should have been getting. In reality, it will be about getting her the best we can, physically, and I do not think I can take on that struggle. Brother, who stayed away when she was with the asymptomatic Covid infection, is seemingly ignorant of the need she had/ has. She was in isolation for 4 days, partially sighted,considerably deaf and unable to use a phone, no TV available(just kind of like prison). He never went in even though they did not mind a brief visit with full PPE. I also managed to think of a plan with her phone and stuck an orange raised spot on the answering button and then managed to be able to phone her. I texted him the number. In the early or remaining days he never phoned her once! He seems unable to put himself into the position of how something might feel for others.

 

[canary]

Yes, its difficult when they have "good" days and "bad" days, so that on the "good" days you begin to think youve been exaggerating it all and they really arnt that bad. But its the bad days that are the problem. What would they be like at home on a bad day......?

 

[Palerider]

Thank you for your support. I have a chopping and changing mind, as described to Jaded'n'faded....wanting to do the right thing, but mindful of how I really feel I can no longer cope, either emotionally or physically with my mother in her own home. It does help to vent this sort of stuff on here. I have a sort of guilt that it feels like me who isn't coping - not necessarily my mother!......but that cannot really remain true. She has only managed a few steps with a zimmer after nearly 3 weeks and has missed out on most of the important physio she should have been getting. In reality, it will be about getting her the best we can, physically, and I do not think I can take on that struggle. Brother, who stayed away when she was with the asymptomatic Covid infection, is seemingly ignorant of the need she had/ has. She was in isolation for 4 days, partially sighted,considerably deaf and unable to use a phone, no TV available(just kind of like prison). He never went in even though they did not mind a brief visit with full PPE. I also managed to think of a plan with her phone and stuck an orange raised spot on the answering button and then managed to be able to phone her. I texted him the number. In the early or remaining days he never phoned her once! He seems unable to put himself into the position of how something might feel for others.

I was just having a last glance before going to watch TV and have something to eat. I try not to get too posty now, but to be fair I kinda get where you are coming from although this is not an answer to the original poster of the thread, though it may be of some help I guess.

I lived with my mum at home for about 4 years plus after my dad died and I did my best to keep her wish, I mean after all what could be better than remaining at home. But as time went by I was her sole carer and also worked 24/7. Dementia doesn't stop where we want it to (in hindsight) it keeps on getting worse. Some of us are very lucky to have a big supportive family, but some of us are left alone to deal with it in its entirety. I think if there is enough family and friends to help then yes keep on trying, but for sole carers we begin to run out of options, especially when we have siblings who won't help or pass before their time.

We blame ourselves for not coping, when the reality is quite different we were able to cope and do so admirably but what happens is that dementia begins to push that boundary. Its not that we are not coping, we just can't do any more than we can, the needs exceed what we can deliver as a human being with all of our emotions and issues to deal with as well as the person we love advancing with dementia. We do have to dig deep and ask ourselves how far can we go, but not only that we also have to ask when do we realise we can't do this role anymore that does any justice to the person with dementia. Caring is not just about doing or acting out the things expected of us, true caring is stating when we can't continue to do the best we can and having the grace to hand care over to someone else. It is painful and truly emotional path to take in all the hard decisions we have to make and it does stay with you always, BUT in time it gets better and we see things in a different way to where we were

 

[Muttimuggle]

Yes, its difficult when they have "good" days and "bad" days, so that on the "good" days you begin to think youve been exaggerating it all and they really arnt that bad. But its the bad days that are the problem. What would they be like at home on a bad day......?

Yes, indeed - that is true!

 

[Muttimuggle]

I was just having a last glance before going to watch TV and have something to eat. I try not to get too posty now, but to be fair I kinda get where you are coming from although this is not an answer to the original poster of the thread, though it may be of some help I guess.

I lived with my mum at home for about 4 years plus after my dad died and I did my best to keep her wish, I mean after all what could be better than remaining at home. But as time went by I was her sole carer and also worked 24/7. Dementia doesn't stop where we want it to (in hindsight) it keeps on getting worse. Some of us are very lucky to have a big supportive family, but some of us are left alone to deal with it in its entirety. I think if there is enough family and friends to help then yes keep on trying, but for sole carers we begin to run out of options, especially when we have siblings who won't help or pass before their time.

We blame ourselves for not coping, when the reality is quite different we were able to cope and do so admirably but what happens is that dementia begins to push that boundary. Its not that we are not coping, we just can't do any more than we can, the needs exceed what we can deliver as a human being with all of our emotions and issues to deal with as well as the person we love advancing with dementia. We do have to dig deep and ask ourselves how far can we go, but not only that we also have to ask when do we realise we can't do this role anymore that does any justice to the person with dementia. Caring is not just about doing or acting out the things expected of us, true caring is stating when we can't continue to do the best we can and having the grace to hand care over to someone else. It is painful and truly emotional path to take in all the hard decisions we have to make and it does stay with you always, BUT in time it gets better and we see things in a different way to where we were

Thank you for that Palerider. It helps.

 

[Red Shoe]

I was just having a last glance before going to watch TV and have something to eat. I try not to get too posty now, but to be fair I kinda get where you are coming from although this is not an answer to the original poster of the thread, though it may be of some help I guess.

I lived with my mum at home for about 4 years plus after my dad died and I did my best to keep her wish, I mean after all what could be better than remaining at home. But as time went by I was her sole carer and also worked 24/7. Dementia doesn't stop where we want it to (in hindsight) it keeps on getting worse. Some of us are very lucky to have a big supportive family, but some of us are left alone to deal with it in its entirety. I think if there is enough family and friends to help then yes keep on trying, but for sole carers we begin to run out of options, especially when we have siblings who won't help or pass before their time.

We blame ourselves for not coping, when the reality is quite different we were able to cope and do so admirably but what happens is that dementia begins to push that boundary. Its not that we are not coping, we just can't do any more than we can, the needs exceed what we can deliver as a human being with all of our emotions and issues to deal with as well as the person we love advancing with dementia. We do have to dig deep and ask ourselves how far can we go, but not only that we also have to ask when do we realise we can't do this role anymore that does any justice to the person with dementia. Caring is not just about doing or acting out the things expected of us, true caring is stating when we can't continue to do the best we can and having the grace to hand care over to someone else. It is painful and truly emotional path to take in all the hard decisions we have to make and it does stay with you always, BUT in time it gets better and we see things in a different way to where we were

What a wonderful thoughtful post. My MIL has been in a care home for a week now. We feel guilt ridden as she’s not settled well. Your words have really helped me so thank you x

 

[canary]

What a wonderful thoughtful post. My MIL has been in a care home for a week now. We feel guilt ridden as she’s not settled well. Your words have really helped me so thank you x

Im afraid that it takes a lot longer than a week for someone with dementia to settle in a care home. Usually it takes a couple of months. My mum spent the first 6 weeks she was in a care home "packing to go home", was infuriated with the carers and hit one of them with her walking stick

Once she settled, though, she thrived, made friends and was happy. She once said to me, near the end, "everybody in here loves me" - and she was right they did.

Give your mum more time and let her form relationships with the carers in her home
xx