Care homes

[Jaded'n'faded]

Thanks. I needed this. I keep chopping and changing my mind about care home type- just had a conversation on phone with mother who has been moved out of her covid ward now, 10 days apparently up. She seemed so "with it" on the phone just now. Other days, other times of day I do not seem to be able to get her to understand anything and communication is so poor. Just have to let the next rehab step come, when it happens, whilst continuing with my research, visiting and familiarisation of care homes.

Oh I so understand this! Mum's descent into dementia was quite catastrophic. She was bumbling along at home, a bit dodgy but managing independently (undiagnosed). Then she fell getting off a bus and ended up in hospital. I visited and she'd dropped straight to the 'where are my parents? I didn't know you had children! Why am I on this ship? The men came in the night and took all the money!' stage

There was no way she could go home (I lived miles away) so I moved her to a care home near me. But.... although her cognition took a dive, she still looked like a thriving well-dressed/well-kempt 'with-it' older lady with excellent mobility, etc. and - unless she was talking nonsense - you could have a perfectly 'normal' conversation with her. So when I first went to visit I was shocked how she could 'flip-flop' between the seemingly rational mum and the crazy version. I'd find myself talking normally to her, maybe explaining something and she'd reply appropriately, only to throw me a curved ball a few minutes later. e.g. 'Did you hear about the chef? They chopped him up and fed him to the pigs...' Then I'd be totally flummoxed, not knowing where to go with that and wondering if any of what I'd just told her had actually been understood.

I gradually realised that mum could in fact hold a complete conversation on auto-pilot. (Habit of a lifetime I suppose - a lot of automatic responses.) But she retained very little of what was said and often got things back to front. So if I said I'd ask the doctor about something, she might think the doctor was waiting to talk to me or had already been. Mum was able to do hostess mode like a good 'un for a long time! Even after I got wise to it, she continued to fool professionals and family who she only saw occasionally.

So I would say this: whatever you think she understands, she probably only understands half of that. And half of what she does remember will be incorrect. Each visit you'll need to start from scratch....

 

[thistlejak]

@Muttimuggle - it is difficult to make the decision to move someone into care when you get moments of 'normality'.
After MIL had been stabilised by the psychiatric hospital after a period of delirium caused mainly by dehydration and not taking medication and after they had got her bathed, hair washed and clean clothes, eating and drinking and taking medication she appeared to be not too bad on first glance BUT left to her own devices she would have been back in hospital, or worse, within the month because she was only like that due to being somewhere where she was taken care off .
She has been in care for over 2 years now - has had a happy life there and is safe and well looked after.

 

[Muttimuggle]

Oh I so understand this! Mum's descent into dementia was quite catastrophic. She was bumbling along at home, a bit dodgy but managing independently (undiagnosed). Then she fell getting off a bus and ended up in hospital. I visited and she'd dropped straight to the 'where are my parents? I didn't know you had children! Why am I on this ship? The men came in the night and took all the money!' stage

There was no way she could go home (I lived miles away) so I moved her to a care home near me. But.... although her cognition took a dive, she still looked like a thriving well-dressed/well-kempt 'with-it' older lady with excellent mobility, etc. and - unless she was talking nonsense - you could have a perfectly 'normal' conversation with her. So when I first went to visit I was shocked how she could 'flip-flop' between the seemingly rational mum and the crazy version. I'd find myself talking normally to her, maybe explaining something and she'd reply appropriately, only to throw me a curved ball a few minutes later. e.g. 'Did you hear about the chef? They chopped him up and fed him to the pigs...' Then I'd be totally flummoxed, not knowing where to go with that and wondering if any of what I'd just told her had actually been understood.

I gradually realised that mum could in fact hold a complete conversation on auto-pilot. (Habit of a lifetime I suppose - a lot of automatic responses.) But she retained very little of what was said and often got things back to front. So if I said I'd ask the doctor about something, she might think the doctor was waiting to talk to me or had already been. Mum was able to do hostess mode like a good 'un for a long time! Even after I got wise to it, she continued to fool professionals and family who she only saw occasionally.

So I would say this: whatever you think she understands, she probably only understands half of that. And half of what she does remember will be incorrect. Each visit you'll need to start from scratch....

Gosh, it is like you have been reading my mind or watching what's happening. To save my fingers I am going to send a joint reply to you and thislejak (who also seems to be observing what's happening!)

 

[Muttimuggle]

@Muttimuggle - it is difficult to make the decision to move someone into care when you get moments of 'normality'.
After MIL had been stabilised by the psychiatric hospital after a period of delirium caused mainly by dehydration and not taking medication and after they had got her bathed, hair washed and clean clothes, eating and drinking and taking medication she appeared to be not too bad on first glance BUT left to her own devices she would have been back in hospital, or worse, within the month because she was only like that due to being somewhere where she was taken care off .
She has been in care for over 2 years now - has had a happy life there and is safe and well looked after.

It is as if you have been watching the happenings of my day thistlejak and also Jaded'n'faded. So I am sending you a joint reply below...and thank you.

 

[Muttimuggle]

To thistlejack and Jaded'n'faded. Thank you so much. It has really helped. I went in with my husband to see my mother in the hospital today. She has now been moved out of the Covid wing and is now on a normal orthopaedic ward while she waits for that place in a Rehab Centre. She looked a bit quiet and a bit fed up at first but today she ended up talking quite a lot of sense. For the first time ever, she brought up the conversation(all by herself!) of " I think I need to sell that house".Then she went on about her shed needing knocking down and anything useful taken out first. I thought i might have misheard so I asked was she talking about getting rid of the shed or the house. She said she meant the house and that maybe she could move into "one of those little flats". Several years ago and before any diagnosis I thought she would be better in sheltered housing and took her to see some and she warmed to the idea and even got up a For Sale notice in her garden. My brother, who was on one of his long term absences in the States, went bananas when he got wind of it and talked her out of it. Maybe she didn't want to go then? Anyaway she was referring back to some of that housing today. So I said that selling her house might be a good idea but I would be worried about her buying and having the responsibility for such a flat and that renting might be better...or better still - a place where she could have her own room but where there would be a common room to sit with other people. She know I was talking about a care home and even suggested one where her friend initially went(but has since moved from). I ended up telling her I'd phoned a few and that I hoped she realised that I would only look for a nice one for her where they were caring and where the food was nice, etc etc. She took that fine. I was amazed!
My husband, however(and our son(who I related the tale to over the phone) told me not to get too excited- and there is a possibility that she might change her mind especially when Mr Invisible brother(who keeps making her empty promises that he will go and visit in the hospital) gets to talk to her. However he would be a real fool to try to discourage her from such a plan.
And as thistlejak said yes, she is making more sense whilst her immediate pain has decreased and she has nothing else to do in the hospital, no other responsibilities, nothing else to have to retain, to think or to plan for.
I really came away today though with hope for a next good chapter in her life. Thank you for your support and for reminding me how things can change, how dementia can have the potential to change a person's mindset or behaviour suddenly.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Don't forget, you're allowed to lie through your teeth too and make use of your mum's poor memory. So if Dastardly Brother comes visiting and bending her ear, next time you see her you can say, 'Yes, he did visit and you talked about XYZ. You decided you DID want to do XYZ and he agreed - don't you remember?'

 

[Muttimuggle]

Don't forget, you're allowed to lie through your teeth too and make use of your mum's poor memory. So if Dastardly Brother comes visiting and bending her ear, next time you see her you can say, 'Yes, he did visit and you talked about XYZ. You decided you DID want to do XYZ and he agreed - don't you remember?'

Ha, ha, yes. I am treading tentatively right now with her. Our son suggested I don't give her feedback on the care homes I am visiting right now(and went to see one just now).....the more someone presses you forward the more you(or someone with the mind of my mother) might change her mind. I am keeping quiet, doing my research and seeing where we end up towards the end of the rehab with the social worker assessment which will happen then. Poor mother, in the hospital has been moved 4 times into different wards....and 3 weeks 1 day in and she has not had a shower or hair wash! I phoned this morning and asked if she could and nurse said "Certainly". Hospital is up the wall. Thank you.

 

[Red Shoe]

Im afraid that it takes a lot longer than a week for someone with dementia to settle in a care home. Usually it takes a couple of months. My mum spent the first 6 weeks she was in a care home "packing to go home", was infuriated with the carers and hit one of them with her walking stick

Once she settled, though, she thrived, made friends and was happy. She once said to me, near the end, "everybody in here loves me" - and she was right they did.

Give your mum more time and let her form relationships with the carers in her home
xx

Bless you For your reply. Sadly mom dislikes mixing ( her worse fear due to slight autism). She feels we have betrayed her and keeps threatening to call the police. Thankfully the care home is wonderful and they have suggested no mobile phones around her. During this week her mobility has rapidly deteriorated. We think the confusion of different surroundings aren’t helping. We had no choice as she was no longer safe at home x

 

[JackReacher]

Im afraid that it takes a lot longer than a week for someone with dementia to settle in a care home. Usually it takes a couple of months. My mum spent the first 6 weeks she was in a care home "packing to go home", was infuriated with the carers and hit one of them with her walking stick

Once she settled, though, she thrived, made friends and was happy. She once said to me, near the end, "everybody in here loves me" - and she was right they did.

Give your mum more time and let her form relationships with the carers in her home
xx

Thats so very assuring. My wife went into a care home in Sussex this Monday, my daughter lives nearby. She had been in a brilliant specialist hospital for 7 weeks, initially sectioned for 28 days as things really went downhill. It included all sorts of delusions, including believing I was going to kill her and our dog, had to explain things when the police arrived at the house, alerted by one of my wifes friends. Unfortunately that delusion persists and thankfully my daughter has LPA for her mum. She went in on Monday and thought the place was fantastic, but Tuesday morning when my daughter arrived she had her bags packed as she thought she was to be taken to stay with one of my sons. All sorted of course but she then said she hated the place and the people and my daughter was very upset. I could not help as I was persona non grata to my wife. Anyway, a trip out to a local cafe, then to daughters home for natter and coffee and then back to care home where her Mum said everyone there was fine! Now Thursday and 3 nights have passed and my wife is today happy and relaxed. Hope that continues, but there will be ups and downs I expect as her mental strength diminishes and I think a simple and comfortable existence, with regular family contact will be whats needed. Her room will be her little world, was the same when at home, so thats fine.
The past year has been tough for all the family and I read the posts on here and empathise with those who are really struggling to cope with this terrible illness and who need so much help.
Good luck to all, Jack