Hi, I am looking for advice please on how to approach moving a relative into a care home for their safety when they really do not want to go. It is my 87 year old Mother who has Vascular Dementia which has been progressing quite quickly during the past 2 months. Myself and my close family (unfortunately not siblings) have been doing our best to look after her in her own home for 2 years. However, it has become more and more unsafe for her to continue this way. The professional advice is to take her under a premise of another reason, e.g. day care or going for lunch and then for us to leave. Even though I know a care home is definitely the right choice for Mum's safety, health and well-being I just wish I could do it openly and totally honestly, but I know she is not on board with it and thinks she can still live on her own, even after 6 hours at A & E yesterday!
Care Homes
- Thread starter Hughesy
- Start date
I have just posted a very similar post ! Interested to see what people say. My Dad has vascular dementia and cannot live alone anymore and I live 40 mins away. The GP was no help and said if he was refusing to go, I had to
Involve social services for a capacity assessment. Really feel for you. It’s such an upsetting time . I am a ball of anxiety ? x
Involve social services for a capacity assessment. Really feel for you. It’s such an upsetting time . I am a ball of anxiety ? x
Hello @Hughesy and @Rach5164 and welcome to Talking Point.
I think that doing things without your loved ones consent is one of the hardest things to do when you are dealing with dementia. The thing to remember, though, is that dementia not only affects their memory of the past, it also changes their perception of the present.
This was really brought home to me one day when I took mum (who by then was in a wheelchair) to a garden centre. I was pushing her around when a trick of the light changed a floor to ceiling glass window into a mirror. Mum caught sight of herself and said to me "oh, look at that poor old lady in a wheelchair. Shoot me if I ever get to that stage!" Not only did she not recognise her reflection, but she was not aware that she was indeed old, or even that she was actually sat in a wheelchair at that very moment.
When you are faced with that level of failure to comprehend the reality of their situation, open and honest discussion is impossible, because they wont believe that it is true. In their reality they are having no problems at home, nothing hs changed and they are perfectly capable of doing everything themself - just like they always have.
So the only solution is subterfuge and "love lies". The professional advice is correct, unfortunately. The only way to manage this is to come up with a "cover story". My mum went from hospital to her care home, so I told her she was convalescing, which she accepted. Im sure other people will post with their stories and love lies too.
I will mention that although it took her about 6 weeks to settle, once she had settled she thrived. She made friends, joined in the activities and was happy - to her it was truly home.
I think that doing things without your loved ones consent is one of the hardest things to do when you are dealing with dementia. The thing to remember, though, is that dementia not only affects their memory of the past, it also changes their perception of the present.
This was really brought home to me one day when I took mum (who by then was in a wheelchair) to a garden centre. I was pushing her around when a trick of the light changed a floor to ceiling glass window into a mirror. Mum caught sight of herself and said to me "oh, look at that poor old lady in a wheelchair. Shoot me if I ever get to that stage!" Not only did she not recognise her reflection, but she was not aware that she was indeed old, or even that she was actually sat in a wheelchair at that very moment.
When you are faced with that level of failure to comprehend the reality of their situation, open and honest discussion is impossible, because they wont believe that it is true. In their reality they are having no problems at home, nothing hs changed and they are perfectly capable of doing everything themself - just like they always have.
So the only solution is subterfuge and "love lies". The professional advice is correct, unfortunately. The only way to manage this is to come up with a "cover story". My mum went from hospital to her care home, so I told her she was convalescing, which she accepted. Im sure other people will post with their stories and love lies too.
I will mention that although it took her about 6 weeks to settle, once she had settled she thrived. She made friends, joined in the activities and was happy - to her it was truly home.
Would either of them accept the idea of ‘just a couple of weeks rest’ or ‘the doctors need to check you out for a while’ or ‘a stay in a good hotel for older people, a new government scheme’ some similar half way house? My mother was similarly resistant but in the end I literally had to pack her suitcase and drive her to her care home. Which was pure heartbreak but a year later and she’s as fine and settled as she ever will be there, even though she’s deteriorating a lot and it’s not been easy. She still doesn’t accurately know it’s a care home - usually she thinks it’s a school she’s working in! Sometimes you just have to take over and do what the person needs rather than what they want, even though your instincts - and your love for the person - tell you the opposite!
I honestly don't think anyone would chose to live in a care home, regardless of their stage or type of alzheimers. Sadly for those that love them dearly this becomes the only safe and viable option. My Dad has now been in a residential home for just over 2 years, It was a necessity as my Mum passed away from covid at exactly the same time as I was moving house. When I visit every week he is still confused as to where he is and why, but he is insiprationally stoic and upbeat. I love him so much but I beat myself up that his wonderful life will end in the care home with faded memories of all he achieved and all he is. Sometimes I get lost in thought of what is the point In paying so much for so little quality of life, it makes me unbelievably sad. Everyone on here will know this and we just have to be strong and keep doing our best
