1. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    Sorry for posting recently, I do read a lot of posts in the background so to speak.

    We have contacted social services for another assessment of mam as she has been confused a lot this week maybe brought on by a hospital scan etc but she keeps seeing people that aren't there again.

    I am so upset and can't stop crying when I get back home. I feel as if I am grieving really like when my dad died but she is still alive.

    I haven't mentioned a home as it will really set her off, I was waiting for social services who mam knows to come and see us.

    I have the same horrid feelings of when I had to have a pet PTS and the guilt is awful.

    Mam was very calm today for some reason she is with me more than when the carers are there I guess that's a plus.

    The care home scenario and paying seems such a minefield.

  2. florabunda

    florabunda Registered User

    Nov 13, 2014
    I'm sorry no-one has replied yet. Please don't be so upset. First: you are not 100% sure that your mum will have to go into a care home? and second: they are not so terrible. Often people are happier and feel more cared for. Good luck.
  3. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    florabunda's right, some people's quality of life improves in residential care.

    My mum never would have agreed to go into a care home. Even now she's in one, she'd say the same, that she's very healthy, that her memory is good for someone her age, that she's very independent and so on.

    Even though she can come across as very articulate and switched on, she somehow doesn't realise the truth of where she is and is quite proud of her home. Sometimes she thinks she owns the whole place, sometimes her room is her apartment...

    It took her a while to settle but mainly because her routine of getting out of her house on a daily basis had been disturbed. She was used to getting up and going out for food. The problem with that was that she was starting to get lost, and sometimes thought she'd been out when she hadn't (therefore next to no food or no food that day unless I could do something about it).

    Once she settled, the change in her was very positive. Although her MMSE score is declining she actually seems better in herself. She's no longer fretting about strange people in her kitchen and wardrobes, she's warm, clean, fed very well, she has activities she enjoys and company whenever she wants it. I really and honestly feel nothing but horror at the thought of her being back in her own house, scared, stressed, lonely, cold, dirty...

    If you and the SS feel the time is right for residential care, please try to think of some positives and don't present your mum with some big story about how this is it, time for a care home, and isn't it sad. Make up some plausible fib like she's won a prize for a stay in a lovely place and isn't it fantastic. Or whatever you think your mum will believe. It won't be easy and your heart will break but think of making it nice and easy for her. You never know, a few months down the line you might be back here talking about your mum being wonderfully cared for and enjoying a new lease of life. It can happen.
  4. daisydi

    daisydi Registered User

    Feb 25, 2015
    You could be talking about my mum and my life Delphie. I was desperate to keep mum at home but she seems so much more content, CLEAN and safe in her care home that I know it was the right decision ...
  5. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    Thanks for your replies.

    The social worker was out all day yesterday so I'm waiting for her to ring me Monday she usually is efficient and knows mam so will respond I'm sure Monday and arrange to see us before the mid week, well I hope.

    I've never been in a care home though I have to say, I presume you go for a look, well me and my siblings would. Mam is stubborn even now and had always been dominating so I think I would say drs orders on convalescent I think she'd believe that, I know she'd think she was in a hotel as it would remind her of her many holidays. It's funny she never forgets those ;)

    I think I'm so scared shed hate me and my siblings for it and worry shed hate it but I do worry if she's so confused it must be lonely and it seems cruel. I can imagine her in a home wandering around smiling all day so that makes me smile wearing the carpets out as she was a wanderer in hospital last year.

    Last summer she did after her stroke say no way a care home but this was before she didn't recognise her home anymore.

    Since Christmas she seems to have gone down hill really then yesterday was a good day, she does have good days it's the hallucinations of people living in her home I worry about and the constant worry about what shes doing but I think I am to blame as some of that is my anxiety playing up as well,

    I've never been close to my mam but she seems so much friendlier since her stroke and kisses me every time I go she never did that before.

    Sorry for ranting :)
  6. Delphie

    Delphie Registered User

    Dec 14, 2011
    I'm so pleased to hear that.

    Maybe you were like me, absolutely terrified at the very idea of a care home. I never would've believed it if someone told me mum would be fine, better than fine actually, in one. But here we are, she's in her third year there, happy pottering around and in many ways having a fuller life than before, and I enjoy visiting instead of arriving to see her at home with a ball of stress in my stomach.

    Sianey, I went to see quite a few places and I know some wouldn't have suited my mum as well as the one she's in now. She's physically fit and quite active so having a care home that gave her room to 'go places' was very important. The one she's in has plenty of indoor space and a gym, and a physio who is absolutely fantastic with the residents and gets them doing all sorts, and a really big but safe garden the residents are free to venture into when the weather permits. There's obviously more to it than that, but, just for comparison, I saw some places that were more like large family homes, with maybe just a residents' lounge as a 'public' space. Absolutely fine for people with reduced mobility, probably, but it would've been far to restrictive for my mum.

    So those are the kinds of things I took into account, as well as how clean the place was and how the staff interacted with me and the residents. It's amazing what you can pick up on. In one place, I quite liked the carers to begin with but some of their joking about with the residents... Let's put it this way, there's a very thin line between pulling someone's leg and being a bit unkind. I'm not saying they crossed that line but they got very close to it. A great bunch of women to go for a drink with maybe but...

    Anyway, I wish you all the best. As solid as we can make these practical decisions, it's no use pretending that this is emotionally easy. It's not. Do keep posting, though. This forum is a great resource.
  7. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015

    Thanks for the advice, the garden thing is a good idea as Mam loved and still does the garden when she can. Like your mum she is good on her feet and likes doing things so activities and the like are things I would also check for.

    I agree like house viewing yourself you get a gut feeling don't you.

    I'll let you know how it goes after s s have been:)
  8. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015

    Mum has been in respite since last Wednesday the social worker couldn't get four carers before Easter so she had no choice but to place mum in a home we both agreed on. The night before she went in she had been standing in the cold and gales in the garden waiting for a bus if I hadn't of checked on her as I couldn't get through on the phone she would of collapsed I'm sure, she was freezing. Trouble is Mam has gone so confused since going in even worse and is wandering all day and is wandering at night.

    The day I took her in it was so upsetting and the stress involved I wouldn't wish on anyone. I do feel better overnight as I know she is safe but wonder even with carers come evening will she wander about. As she is I can't see her going home, she doesn't recognise her home anymore or her cat the cat is the hotels cat. Trouble is im having to go twenty mile round trip to feed the cat.

    It feels like an endless circle and I do think my own health is suffering but Mam is oblivious to it all.

    I think I could do with respite:)

    Do you think when they don't recognise their home the disease has progressed?
  9. Quilty

    Quilty Registered User

    Aug 28, 2014
    The decider for me too was when mum no longer recognised she was home and was scared. She does not wander but hears voices which is a scary thing. After 2 weeks of total confusion she is not happy and settled in a dementia ward. Maybe in time your mum will settle too and accept ger new home. Its very hard but step back and remember how she was at home. Can you get a neighbour to feed the cat for you? You can then focus on your mum. Fingers crossed that it gets better for you. Love quilty.
  10. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    I know, it's the worry once evening comes back at home what she is up to and when I went last week in the little bedroom she had packed two cases of things like odd shoes, ornaments, umbrella funny things in the case and she looked bewildered when I went to see here. She didn't know where her loo was and I think packing cases was her way of trying to escape the confusion. I think I'm trying to hang onto the mam I had so much even upset as I type as I know worse lays ahead. The guilt is awful but at least I know the house is locked up and secure Mam wasn't locking doors even.

    I had thought about the neighbours feeding the cat maybe I might go and knock on a friendly ladys door tomorrow other people seem to not want to be involved or they are just busy working and getting on with their own lives.
  11. Pegsdaughter

    Pegsdaughter Registered User

    Oct 7, 2014
    Try the cinamon trust they will walk dogs etc for elderly owners they may feed cats as well

    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
  12. Pickles53

    Pickles53 Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    Radcliffe on Trent
    Or call the local branch of the RSPCA who may have a volunteer to help out at least in the short term.
  13. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    I've messaged the charity thanks, I think possibly I'm a but far but they may know volunteers local to Mam.
  14. susy

    susy Registered User

    Jul 29, 2013
    North East
    Ask the friendly neighbour. Let her know you want nothing else from her, just to know that the car will be fed and cared for. (Is there a cat flap) then if for any reason your mum comes home then give the neighbour notice and keep her informed so she doesn't feel like she is being out in too much.
  15. Sianey

    Sianey Registered User

    Mar 23, 2015
    Mams cat.

    I went to the neighbour next door luckily their mum and dad were doing the garden so I explained and they were more than happy to put food at the back door am and we can go later in the day:) it's a relief really as I gave my telephone number and name just in case Mam is seen wandering if she goes home. I did say I know it's a lot to ask as I didn't want them to feel obliged too much. Their grandma has dementia in a care home so they sympathised.

    yeah, the cat has a flap so he goes in for food and seems to come down from upstairs stretching like he's been to sleep. He seems happy and likes the neighbour. I don't think Mam was looking after him well feeding him but I mean sitting with him on her knee for hours which I think he noticed. She's been so busy packing and wandering round the hours and hasn't noticed the cat.

    She seemed less confused today the home have showered her so they did well doing that as she is stubborn as a goat. Although she didn't know who I was today, so that was sad.

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