Care home

[HS1403]

I've just had to make the really tough decision for my mum to go into a care home,and I'm really struggling. She is not happy to be there, and I'm finding it heartbreaking. I just wanted to ask others that will understand. This is my first post on the forum.

 

[Feeling unsupported]

This is one of the toughest decisions, I have shed many tears over this myself. I had to make the decision last August and I still cried this week after a visit. It's not what any of us want, but what we want and what we need to do for our loved one's safety and care are very different. Sending you hugs as you try to find the strength required at this time. Please know that you are not alone, very many on this forum have endured the same heartbreak and we feel your pain x

 

[nae sporran]

Feeling unsupported took the words out of my mouth. My partner went into care last December and the decision was pretty much taken out of my hands by the care manager at our extra care housing. It's hard, and I wish I could say it gets easier, but I had to accept she was getting better support there than I could provide at home.
A belated welcome to the forum @HS1403

 

[HS1403]

Thank you so much for your responses. I'm finding it so incredibly hard with overwhelming feelings of guilt. When I see her in the care home it feels as though the light has gone out of her eyes, and she looks so unhappy. I just come away crying, and just really question my decision.

 

[canary]

We all want our loved one to be safe, cared for and happy @HS1403 , but when you are talking about dementia sometimes you have to settle for 2 out of 3. Frequently you cant make them happy, whatever you do, because the unhappiness is internal and caused by the confusion of dementia.

Your mum has only just moved into the care home and it can take a good couple of months for them to settle, so things might improve, but even if they dont, remember that you have done the best for your mum.

 

[KatyKat]

I've just had to make the really tough decision for my mum to go into a care home,and I'm really struggling. She is not happy to be there, and I'm finding it heartbreaking. I just wanted to ask others that will understand. This is my first post on the forum.

My cousins went thru this late last year with my 95 year old aunt. And actually, she was evicted from the 1st NH, sent to hospital, and finally settled into a memory care home. I agonised for them thru all the "news reports" I got from family, and I wondered and worried whether the right thing had been done for my aunt.

Now, as of 1/22, I am full time caregiver to my 91 year old Mum. This job has given me a totally different perspective. I do want to keep my Mum independent in her own home, as long as possible...but I realise there will come a time when I can't do it all anymore. We do the best we can for as long as we can.

 

[HS1403]

So helpful, thank you to you all. I came away crying again today. She had been packing up all her belongings and whispered to me that she needs to find a new home. For the first time, she now doesn't know my dad has died, and worries about making him dinner etc. She just looks so, so unhappy. I looked after her for three years, but I still feel so guilty. I don't know how to cope seeing her like this.

 

[Frank24]

So helpful, thank you to you all. I came away crying again today. She had been packing up all her belongings and whispered to me that she needs to find a new home. For the first time, she now doesn't know my dad has died, and worries about making him dinner etc. She just looks so, so unhappy. I looked after her for three years, but I still feel so guilty. I don't know how to cope seeing her like this.

Sending you lots of love. It’s very hard to see your Mum in a care home. My mum was in hers for almost 2 years. She did settle there and had a good time and got better care than if she had been at home. There comes a time when it is the safest environment. Give it time to settle. Coping with it hard but s month isn’t very long to get used to it x

 

[Originally]

I've just had to make the really tough decision for my mum to go into a care home,and I'm really struggling. She is not happy to be there, and I'm finding it heartbreaking. I just wanted to ask others that will understand. This is my first post on the forum.

I only became a member a few days ago as I began my struggle with Mum’s move to a care home on Thursday. I so hope that things are improving for you now because I am certainly finding it tough at the moment. The fact that so many people really do get it and have little strategies to share has been my saviour. I really liked the “love lies” and the fact that acknowledging that going home is what Mum wants and saying “I know you do but now is not the right time” have really helped me. A message for me to “stop enabling her wants and start implementing her needs” was a wake up call to me to really get on board with the idea that this is EXACTLY the right thing to be doing. Don’t get me wrong, I am wrung out and emotionally done in when I get home from visiting because we are on a loop of wanting to return home but I’m beginning to understand that she wants to return to pre dementia days when everything was fine. Don’t we all?!
Hang on in there because lots of us are on the same rocky ride. X

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

I could have moved my mother to the Ritz, surrounded her with furs and diamonds and scantily clad young men to serve her delicious morsels of food and drink... she would still have complained.

She was never what you'd call a happy person but dementia made her mean and critical of everyone and everything. She was pretty horrid really

I hoped when I moved her to the care home she'd be safe, well cared for and happy. In the end I decided that 2 out of 3 ain't bad...

 

[SqueezedMiddle]

I only became a member a few days ago as I began my struggle with Mum’s move to a care home on Thursday. I so hope that things are improving for you now because I am certainly finding it tough at the moment. The fact that so many people really do get it and have little strategies to share has been my saviour. I really liked the “love lies” and the fact that acknowledging that going home is what Mum wants and saying “I know you do but now is not the right time” have really helped me. A message for me to “stop enabling her wants and start implementing her needs” was a wake up call to me to really get on board with the idea that this is EXACTLY the right thing to be doing. Don’t get me wrong, I am wrung out and emotionally done in when I get home from visiting because we are on a loop of wanting to return home but I’m beginning to understand that she wants to return to pre dementia days when everything was fine. Don’t we all?!
Hang on in there because lots of us are on the same rocky ride. X

This is so what I needed to read right now, thank you.
My dad is currently in a social care bed in a nursing home following a stay in hospital. We are waiting for the care needs assessment which will determine where he ends up living - he wants to go home, I most definitely do not want that. His vascular dementia and assorted other health issues mean that independent living will never be possible again, but your comment: 'she wants to return to pre dementia days when everything was fine' sums our situation up perfectly.
Dad is so unhappy and it breaks my heart to see this each time I visit, but his needs have to come above his wants (and those of unhelpful people around him).
This forum is becoming my lifeline, thank you all for sharing your experiences.
HS1403 - there's no getting away from the emotional load of this, I hope so much that you will see some changes in your mum soon and you can both come to terms with this new way of living ?

 

[nellbelles]

Hello and a warm welcome to the forum @SqueezedMiddle I’m glad you are finding the forum helpful.. it’s a friendly and safe place to share your experiences with others I hope now you have found the forum you will continue to post.

 

[try again]

at 3:22 PM
New
@Jaded'n'faded
"
I could have moved my mother to the Ritz, surrounded her with furs and diamonds and scantily clad young men to serve her delicious morsels of food and drink."

I'm willing to give it a go ?

 

[SqueezedMiddle]

Hello and a warm welcome to the forum @SqueezedMiddle I’m glad you are finding the forum helpful.. it’s a friendly and safe place to share your experiences with others I hope now you have found the forum you will continue to post.

Thank you for making me welcome x