Care home

[Monty70]

Hello
I wanted to ask everyone at what point do you put your parent into a care home?
My dad has vascular dementia/ mixed alzheimers . My dad was living on his own. I thought to keep him there i would try a live in carer. Lets just say it been a rough 3 weeks. My dad suffered really bad paranoia, mistrust, aggression, sleepless ness . He was escaping the bungalow and shouting out at 3am to everyone in the street. I experienced my dad turning a sofa upside down and a put up bed. He was physical with the carer too. The carer went as they couldn’t help my dad anymore ....
Ive now put him in a home yesterday and hes demanding to come home.
Have i done the right thing?
i can’t afford to look after my dad as im a single parent with a morgage.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hi and welcome. I think you have done exactly the right thing. Your dad needs 24/7 supervision with a whole team looking after him . Asking to come home is quite normal in this scenario. Just keep saying something like you're there until you are better or the doctor says you should be here. I'm sure others will be along soon with better advice, but many forum members have been here and will identify with these situations

 

[Cat27]

You’ve done the right thing. He needs experts to care for him now.
Asking to come home is very common. Say things like tomorrow or when the Dr says you can etc.

 

[Bunpoots]

You've done the right thing @Monty70 . Your dad wouldn't be safe in his own home now.

 

[canary]

I dont think you had any other option. You wouldnt have been able to keep him safe any better than the live-in carer. Your dad now needs 24/7 care by a whole team of people working in shifts.

It usually takes a good couple of months for someone to settle down, so dont worry too much about him at the moment. As everyone else has said - asking to go home is par for the course at this stage.

 

[Monty70]

Thank you for all your comments
My dad was better when the carer had left
I just feel so bad that ive plonked him in a home without his say so......
Over the last few years he would say to me ‘don’t put me in a care home ‘ , pleaded with me .......
After this crazy 3 weeks he had a really bad mood and said don’t put me in as once your in you don’t get out ......
My dad forgets he put his mum in one as she had dementia ?

 

[canary]

My mum used to plead with me to never "put her in a home" too, but like you I had no choice.

It took her a couple of months to settle and during that time she would be "packing" to go home and was desperately trying to get out. Nevertheless, she did settle and once she had she amazed me by making friends and generally thriving. Regular meals, regular medication and always having someone around did her the world of good. She became settled and content. She once said to me "they all love me in here" and she was right - they did.

Give your dad time and give that guilt monster a bashing.

 

[Grannie G]

Please don`t feel you have `plonked` your dad in a home @Monty70.

You are no longer able to meet his needs or keep him safe because his care is too much for any single person to manage.

He may be angry but he is no longer able to decide on the best for himself and you have made the decision for him.

It`s a heartbreaking decision and so many of us know how it feels, because we have had the same decision to make.

 

[Monty70]

Thats made me feel better ?
There could be light at the end of the tunnel ....
Thank you for your support?
You made me laugh about guilt monster ?x

 

[Jale]

I think that many of us here have either been told by a loved one prior to dementia not to put them in a home, and we have probably promised that would never happen. But sadly things change, we were left with no option but to have mum go to a nursing home after a long spell in hospital left her immobile, double incontinent and falls from bed, she has to be turned regularly and she wasn't eating or drinking. It is never an easy decision to make or to accept, after 3 years I still feel guilty. I hope in time your dad will settle, and just as a warning take some things that he says with the proverbial pinch of salt. Mum is adamant that she doesn't see anyone, is never fed or given a drink and we know this is not true. If anything your dad is now safe and that is something you can't put a price on