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Care home

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,856
South coast
Im sorry about the added stress from your son - you really didnt need that. Freezing the account and getting another one that he cant access sounds a good plan.

Im also glad you have accepted the place for your mum - you had reached the bitter end and I was so concerned for you. I know it is a hard decision and makes everyone feel guilty, but Im sure its the right one. Remind yourself that it will be best for both you and her. She will be able to be looked after by carers who arnt frazzled and fed-up. They will have no emotional baggage and will be able to cope with her.

Just hang on in there.
 

Citroen 2cv

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
72
Spain
Im sorry about the added stress from your son - you really didnt need that. Freezing the account and getting another one that he cant access sounds a good plan.

Im also glad you have accepted the place for your mum - you had reached the bitter end and I was so concerned for you. I know it is a hard decision and makes everyone feel guilty, but Im sure its the right one. Remind yourself that it will be best for both you and her. She will be able to be looked after by carers who arnt frazzled and fed-up. They will have no emotional baggage and will be able to cope with her.

Just hang on in there.
I know and thank you. I don’t know how I would get by without everyone on here. It’s great not to have judgement or to be told just dump her in a home or put up shut up or worse being ignored. I have now found a home for her little dog that is going to be biggest wrench for mum being parted from her yet sadly a lot of the time mum forgets about her and it’s me who has been looking after the little scrap.
 

Citroen 2cv

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
72
Spain
I am sat here crying my eyes out. I understand so much that a care home is next step. Yet it’s the thought of separating mum and her little dog. The few bits mum does for her dog keeps her going. The little thing is so devoted to mum she used to really cry when mum went out. She follows mum everywhere the thought of taking mum to care home then handing over this little dog is breaking my heart. I know we have to think of ourselves and I know I am broken yet I have to live with myself after and I would be no better than her grandson who took all her money. It’s too hard for me to deal with
 

Sarasa

Registered User
Apr 13, 2018
1,490
@Citroen 2cv you are getting it at all sides, but stay strong. You said your mum often forgets her dog now. If she does miss him, how about one of those realistic toy ones. You might be surprised how she takes to it.
I'm so sorry that your son's behaviour has compounded things. Is there no way you can work to try and get at least some of the money back? It sounds like he needs help too. Is it worth contacting a gambling support charity for ideas?
Moving your mum into care is not abandoning her, it is giving her the support she needs and will help you rebuild your relationship with her.
Don't go back on moving her to care. There are people here who thought they could carry on, only to find they couldn't, with dire affects for both the person with dementia and themselves.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
393
These wrenches are really hard to deal with. It's ok to cry but you are starting a new chapter in your life, one where you mum will be well looked after on your behalf, as will her dog. You've done well to arrange that care. You need time to mend too.
 

Citroen 2cv

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
72
Spain
@Citroen 2cv you are getting it at all sides, but stay strong. You said your mum often forgets her dog now. If she does miss him, how about one of those realistic toy ones. You might be surprised how she takes to it.
I'm so sorry that your son's behaviour has compounded things. Is there no way you can work to try and get at least some of the money back? It sounds like he needs help too. Is it worth contacting a gambling support charity for ideas?
Moving your mum into care is not abandoning her, it is giving her the support she needs and will help you rebuild your relationship with her.
Don't go back on moving her to care. There are people here who thought they could carry on, only to find they couldn't, with dire affects for both the person with dementia and themselves.
Mum looks for the dog at certain times of the day. It’s about the only routine she has. The time will come for it to have to happen it’s not just yet. I know I couldn’t have a complete life for myself if I separated them to soon. Izzy may well settle with a new owner but not for a very long time. The bond between mum and her dog is rather lovely to see. Regarding my son have been there with him so many times. Could even do anything about my parents money as he used my dads card and dad was dead so it was a dead persons word against my son. My son done same to a bank account of mine years ago I took him to court hardest thing I have ever done in the hope that he would wake himself up instead he ran away from U.K. again and turned up at my parents home. Sadly you can’t help someone who won’t face up to the problems. I always believed tho that even with the problem he has he would come thro for his Nan. It’s been a hard blow to realise differently. He became a dad a couple of months ago my only grandchild my mums only great grandchild mum know about the baby and yes a lot of her anger is thro hurt as there is no contact at all. I have been wrapped up in my own hurt to really see how much mum is too. I have advertised for help some one to sit with mum and someone to help clean hopefully that will help.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
12,856
South coast
Mum looks for the dog at certain times of the day. It’s about the only routine she has. The time will come for it to have to happen it’s not just yet. I know I couldn’t have a complete life for myself if I separated them to soon.
Does this mean that you are not going to take this place for your mum??!
 

Citroen 2cv

Registered User
Mar 1, 2019
72
Spain
Does this mean that you are not going to take this place for your mum??!
No not yet. There is no funded places here in Spain so no matter what I have to pay a considerable amount to it. Yes things have not been good but I feel both mum and I have been grieving it hit me hard with my son I haven’t handled things well. I am thinking of myself as I know I would not be able to live with myself if I separated them too soon. Hopefully now I have meds for mum and me we can get buy. She knows poor love something is wrong as she says I’m not at work can she find a job to help this morning when I went shopping she asked me if I had enough money. Mum nor dad was never very good at emotional support but always helped people with money would never see them go without. That’s why it is hard what my son done. In the beginning I didn’t really have time to think about it as it was work care for mum making sure we survived I think the lock down has bought all my grief to the front. For the first time I have been able to grief for my dad. I’ve got some help with that now as I have the time to sort it. There will always be another place here.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
393
Well, you weren’t quite ready. I hope things work out ok. You will know what to do when the time comes.
 

WinnieP

Registered User
Jan 13, 2015
3
When my partner went into a care home, I was devastated, couldn’t stop crying and Also thought I was terrible. But his last 18 months were quite happy ones for both of us, so much better than the previous couple of years at home. It became a pleasure to visit him, and the home felt like home for me as well, full of lovely caring staff, and interesting residents. It was a positive experience, and a time to concentrate on him as a person, rather than him as a problem to be coped with.
before he went into the home I put lots of his photos, his cushions and pictures in his room, so he could see it was like his room at home.
It was a sad time, but it definitely turned into a positive. Be kind to yourself, and forgive yourself; you aren’t giving up, it’s just moving to another phase. Your role is altering, but you are still contributing to her care. Your Mum is still yours, and you can still care for her, but in a different way.
 

GingerMac

Registered User
Apr 12, 2015
3
Cork
Just read all your posts.

my mums in hospital at present since October-November, I’m in bits, they put her in Physcharist part. I haven’t been able to visits her in months due to covid thing. I’ve been looking after her the last nine years on my own since dad died. I haven’t been living on my own in over twenty five years. I don’t trust the guys in charge with the hse cows, Ive been looking after her on my own. I’m finding it living on my own. It’s like I’ve lost my purpose, my job. Like I’ve lost my rock. I’ve nothing to aim for in the future, I saw a brief thing on in an email with a note =Members discuss the struggle of moving a loved one into a care home: