I have just been told a vacancy is available for mum in care home. Providing she is clear of virus she can move in a couple of days. I don’t know how I feel about it I know deep down it’s best and having been looking for a long time for a place now it’s here I’m scared for her and for me. It’s just been such an incredibly difficult time these last 18 months since my dad died. With so many things to cope with. I feel I am a monster
Care home
- Thread starter Citroen 2cv
- Start date
Ban those thoughts of being a monster. You are doing what you think is best for all so you are caring for your mother.
Keep posting here for support.
Keep posting here for support.
You are not a monster - you have done everything you could - and a care home is still caring, it means she will have someone to hand 24/7 which you can't provide.
There are many threads on here about labelling all her clothing and if it moves label it, shoes, walking sticks, glasses (nail varnish) knick knacks etc.
The general advice is not to let valuables go in to the care home as many people with dementia have a fluid sense of ownership and an ability to throw things away.
Likewise makes sure all photos are copies, not originals.
There are many threads on here about labelling all her clothing and if it moves label it, shoes, walking sticks, glasses (nail varnish) knick knacks etc.
The general advice is not to let valuables go in to the care home as many people with dementia have a fluid sense of ownership and an ability to throw things away.
Likewise makes sure all photos are copies, not originals.
You were finding that you could not cope by yourself so grab the chance of a Care Home place for your Mum with both hands. You won’t stop looking after her because you will still find plenty of things that need to be done or organised, it is just a different form of caring. Most importantly your Mum will have 24 hour carers looking after her.
Agree with the others , please take the vacancy, you will still be caring just not 24/7 and you can return to being her daughter and the time you spend with her will be more relaxed as you aren’t run ragged and tired , you can just enjoy spending quality time with her . You are doing this for your mums sake , she will be cared for and someone on hand all the time who isn’t frazzled . Be kind to yourself and take care .
From what you've said in your other threads you need to take this opportunity now. As others have said you won't stop being a carer, you will just be able to do it with lots of help and support.
Hope it all goes well.
Hope it all goes well.
I’m not really sure what she can take it’s going to be difficult sorting things around mum thank you all for kindness think at moment I am in a form of shock have to dig deep to find some strength to see this through.
Hi @Citroen 2cv , just send her in with the minimum she'll need for a couple of days, just like she was going on holiday. As others have said make sure it's all labelled and nothing you'd hate to loose, like good jewellery goes with her. You can then gradually see what she needs and what the home accepts. Some homes, in the UK at least, will let people have their own furniture for instance.
We are in Spain. It is a small home English spoken which is essential shared bedrooms with an English lady. So many on here say that you regain a relationship with parents. Does that really happen
This will be a great thing for mum, call the home and ask what they think she'l need. My Dad's said a couple of sets of towels. I got some labels for fabric and for non fabric.
Assuming you're not a whole day of driving away like I am, you can always take more things in as needed. I had to move or chuck dad's stuff in a weekend which did focus the mind.
But at one point dad was telling me that this wasn't his or that wasn't his, it was here when he got here, but when I picked up a parrot ornament (which wasn't worth anything but had been in our family home for decades), he told me it had been in the flat when he moved in and I said really? And I turned it over and, like magic, it had his name on the bottom! He laughed and said it must be his then! Of course, I'd stuck a label on it earlier...
Assuming you're not a whole day of driving away like I am, you can always take more things in as needed. I had to move or chuck dad's stuff in a weekend which did focus the mind.
But at one point dad was telling me that this wasn't his or that wasn't his, it was here when he got here, but when I picked up a parrot ornament (which wasn't worth anything but had been in our family home for decades), he told me it had been in the flat when he moved in and I said really? And I turned it over and, like magic, it had his name on the bottom! He laughed and said it must be his then! Of course, I'd stuck a label on it earlier...
From my experience of taking my Mum to a care home, a few years ago now, I would say -
Nail on a smile and be positive. Tell the PWD as little as possible - we are going out for tea etc, if you think they will not be on board with the plan. This is almost always the case sadly.
Quietly pack a small case of things to be given to the CH staff to put in her room, so as not to arouse to much suspicion.
Leave at a moment where you Mum is having tea/lunch/an activity. Agree with the CH staff that you will "go to the toilet" or similar, and just go. Do not say goodbye. Sounds harsh but it is better than an emotional scene.
After taking her, prepare for your own feelings. Give her time to settle in (at least a few days without visiting) and yourself time to process how you feel.
Agree with the CH whether or not your Mum (if able) can talk to you over the phone, or if this is just likely to increase agitation in the early days. Most CH allow you to phone to find out how your loved one is doing, without necessarily speaking to them, unless you want to.
Label everything that you can, leave valuables at home. Some homes encourage nick knacks, pictures or photos in rooms, but you might want to wait a bit for this.
I hope it all goes as well as it can. Try not to feel guilty - none of this is your fault. I felt awful initially, but Mummy's CH is now her home and she has very strong bonds with the staff and feels safe.
Has it changed our relationship? I was lucky, in that my Dad did the bulk of the caring. I would say we all worry less now that she is in a secure environment. I have had visits (not recently, because of lockdown) where Mummy and I took part in activities or had a chat that was much nearer to mother/daughter than we otherwise might have had. My father, who was her carer, is now less depressed. The one thing that doesnt change, sadly is dementia deterioration. I think that affects everyone's relationships.
Keep posting, I wish you all the best.
Nail on a smile and be positive. Tell the PWD as little as possible - we are going out for tea etc, if you think they will not be on board with the plan. This is almost always the case sadly.
Quietly pack a small case of things to be given to the CH staff to put in her room, so as not to arouse to much suspicion.
Leave at a moment where you Mum is having tea/lunch/an activity. Agree with the CH staff that you will "go to the toilet" or similar, and just go. Do not say goodbye. Sounds harsh but it is better than an emotional scene.
After taking her, prepare for your own feelings. Give her time to settle in (at least a few days without visiting) and yourself time to process how you feel.
Agree with the CH whether or not your Mum (if able) can talk to you over the phone, or if this is just likely to increase agitation in the early days. Most CH allow you to phone to find out how your loved one is doing, without necessarily speaking to them, unless you want to.
Label everything that you can, leave valuables at home. Some homes encourage nick knacks, pictures or photos in rooms, but you might want to wait a bit for this.
I hope it all goes as well as it can. Try not to feel guilty - none of this is your fault. I felt awful initially, but Mummy's CH is now her home and she has very strong bonds with the staff and feels safe.
Has it changed our relationship? I was lucky, in that my Dad did the bulk of the caring. I would say we all worry less now that she is in a secure environment. I have had visits (not recently, because of lockdown) where Mummy and I took part in activities or had a chat that was much nearer to mother/daughter than we otherwise might have had. My father, who was her carer, is now less depressed. The one thing that doesnt change, sadly is dementia deterioration. I think that affects everyone's relationships.
Keep posting, I wish you all the best.
Thank you I am not sure how it is going to be when I take mum as here in Spain lockdown has and is still very strict. I know I am going to be an emotional wreck as I am now. I am trying to dig deep to find the strength for this. I also know I am wallowing a bit in self pity as I am so very much on my own with it. I have never felt so alone in my life.
Can only imagine how hard it is dealing with it all by yourself , dig deep , you can do it . We are all behind you as @Banjomansmate says we have your back and will help . Sending a big hug ? .
Grab that vacancy with both hands - it sounds wonderful.
You really, really need it and I suspect that your mum will be happier too.
Before mum moved into her care home she was totlly paranoid and thought I was stealing from her and abusing her. Once she had settled (it took a couple of months) her old personality returned (though not her memory) and I became her daughter again. I have some very happy memories from the time when mum was in her care home
@Helly68 has given excellent advice for the move.
You really, really need it and I suspect that your mum will be happier too.
Before mum moved into her care home she was totlly paranoid and thought I was stealing from her and abusing her. Once she had settled (it took a couple of months) her old personality returned (though not her memory) and I became her daughter again. I have some very happy memories from the time when mum was in her care home
@Helly68 has given excellent advice for the move.
We will all be thinking of you and I hope it goes as well as it can.
You will feel exhausted and upset afterwards, you wouldnt be human otherwise. Although this is a big change, after lock down you will be able to visit and a home is likely to be a safer environment for your Mum with a team looking after her, instead of one person.
At my Mum's annual assessment with a social worker, her dementia had advanced a lot and so they couldnt get much conversation from her, but my Mum did say "I like it here" (referring to the home). I think PWD can and do settle and many are happier in an environment with more people around.
You will feel exhausted and upset afterwards, you wouldnt be human otherwise. Although this is a big change, after lock down you will be able to visit and a home is likely to be a safer environment for your Mum with a team looking after her, instead of one person.
At my Mum's annual assessment with a social worker, her dementia had advanced a lot and so they couldnt get much conversation from her, but my Mum did say "I like it here" (referring to the home). I think PWD can and do settle and many are happier in an environment with more people around.
I have accepted place for mum. Yesterday was a very difficult day. Not only hearing about place for mum but also from my bank again my son had tried to spend money from it on on line gambling. He was able to get a small amount then tried for £2,000 which I have nowhere near that as not been at work for a long time now . the account has been frozen while it’s looked at by fraud. Means now I have to sort ou and change the few standing orders from there to another bank get new card etc. And try and be cheerful for mum which I am finding it difficult to look at her properly I don’t like the deceit of everything even tho I know it’s the only way now. I have gone from being so wound up to totally deflated.
