Care Home

Jacquis

Registered User
Jan 7, 2019
11
My 72 year old husband is in respite care home, he went into the care home 3 weeks before the virus struck and we were told 2 weeks ago that they were closing their doors to visitors, this is causing myself and my husband great distress, I can only speak to him on the phone, I have asked if they could set up something else Skype, although we did FaceTime on Mother’s Day. I totally understand that all the residents need to be kept safe, but yesterday I had a very distressed telephone conversation with my husband yesterday who repeatedly pleaded with me to go and get him, he needed me to help him, just needed me with him. He is only 72 and the other residents are well over 80. I have sent letters, cards, photos etc. but I can’t (over the phone) explain to him, so that he can understand, why I can’t visit him. We are both distressed and upset, for him he thinks he has been abandoned and for me I feel guilty and an awful person and worrying that the next time I am allowed to see him he won’t recognise me.
 

Jacquis

Registered User
Jan 7, 2019
11
Thank you, it’s only two weeks in and if I wasn’t heartbroken before, I just am hoping that he isn’t suffering as much as me, and given time it might be easier to bare, but I don’t see it at the moment, the physical pain and anxiety is dreadful, I just wish I hadn’t been talked into letting him go in there, I wasn’t strong enough at the time and now I’m having to live with the regrets and he is away from me not knowing what he has done. This condition destroys everyone and everything.
 

Twinks12

Registered User
Dec 14, 2019
30
Thank you, it’s only two weeks in and if I wasn’t heartbroken before, I just am hoping that he isn’t suffering as much as me, and given time it might be easier to bare, but I don’t see it at the moment, the physical pain and anxiety is dreadful, I just wish I hadn’t been talked into letting him go in there, I wasn’t strong enough at the time and now I’m having to live with the regrets and he is away from me not knowing what he has done. This condition destroys everyone and everything.
@Jacquis - I am sorry to hear about what you are going through and I can really, really relate to how you are feeling. My Dad went into respite three weeks. I completely understand your inner conflict and upset. I expect when you first put your husband into respite, it was the right thing to do and you could see him which may it easier and less upsetting for you both, but this NOT SEEING him is horrendous. I think you need more telephone contact with him, would that help ease your pain? More whatsapp or skype calls? I wish I knew what to say to you. All I can say is that he is safe at the moment and I hope this whole ordeal is over for all of us soon. Thinking of you and sending you strength. xxx
 

Jacquis

Registered User
Jan 7, 2019
11
I have telephoned him and have spoken to him once on Skype, but I was told last week not to phone and ask to speak to him, only speak to them to enquire how he is, as they said that when I phone and he hears my voice he becomes very distressed and they find it difficult to deal with him after the call. I suggested before all this on how we were going to ensure that our loved ones were going to stay connected with us, even suggested that I provide an iPad so we could keep in contact that way, but after being requested not to call I thought that an iPad would be a waste of time. But now Im told that he is disruptive and being a problem and they have raised a safety issue and told that they cannot cope with him. I have had an email from the social worker to say that he may have to be moved, I am worried sick, I don't see how they can move him as we are all on lock down and it would be dangerous to move him, also I wouldn't be able to see where he was going to be, I feel like I am in a cage and fighting to get out, there seems to be a fight round every corner, I regret ever asking for help, it seems that we are not seen as a couple anymore and 'they' have just taken him over, ticking all there boxes and putting him anywhere, and just leaving him. without any care as to his quality of life.
 

Baker17

Registered User
Mar 9, 2016
493
I have telephoned him and have spoken to him once on Skype, but I was told last week not to phone and ask to speak to him, only speak to them to enquire how he is, as they said that when I phone and he hears my voice he becomes very distressed and they find it difficult to deal with him after the call. I suggested before all this on how we were going to ensure that our loved ones were going to stay connected with us, even suggested that I provide an iPad so we could keep in contact that way, but after being requested not to call I thought that an iPad would be a waste of time. But now Im told that he is disruptive and being a problem and they have raised a safety issue and told that they cannot cope with him. I have had an email from the social worker to say that he may have to be moved, I am worried sick, I don't see how they can move him as we are all on lock down and it would be dangerous to move him, also I wouldn't be able to see where he was going to be, I feel like I am in a cage and fighting to get out, there seems to be a fight round every corner, I regret ever asking for help, it seems that we are not seen as a couple anymore and 'they' have just taken him over, ticking all there boxes and putting him anywhere, and just leaving him. without any care as to his quality of life.
Hi, I’m sorry you are going through this. My husband has been stressed and difficult during this lockdown due to not seeing me we think. The home has referred him to the CHESS team which are part of our local memory matters clinic and they are working with the staff to try and ease his distress, this particularly affecting his personal care. The staff and the team have also been talking to me and some progress has been made using my suggestions and their professional help, during this time I have not seen him but today they phoned to say he’d had shave and haircut without any problems which was a great relief.
Would it be worth calling the manager and asking them to contact the memory matters clinic.
What you said about not being seen as couple anymore resounds with me in dealing with social workers and care homes. When the lockdown first came into being I received a very impersonal letter from the county council outlining why it was happening and my reaction was to e mail them and tell them that there was no mention of the impact it would have on relatives. The upshot of this that I received a phone call today from them and I found a very different attitude. Sometimes I’ve found that you have shout(not literally) and make your voice heard because at the end of the day you are still a couple and they need reminded of that.
I hope you can get the help you need without him having to move, take care x
 

pixie2

Registered User
Jul 21, 2018
81
I have telephoned him and have spoken to him once on Skype, but I was told last week not to phone and ask to speak to him, only speak to them to enquire how he is, as they said that when I phone and he hears my voice he becomes very distressed and they find it difficult to deal with him after the call. I suggested before all this on how we were going to ensure that our loved ones were going to stay connected with us, even suggested that I provide an iPad so we could keep in contact that way, but after being requested not to call I thought that an iPad would be a waste of time. But now Im told that he is disruptive and being a problem and they have raised a safety issue and told that they cannot cope with him. I have had an email from the social worker to say that he may have to be moved, I am worried sick, I don't see how they can move him as we are all on lock down and it would be dangerous to move him, also I wouldn't be able to see where he was going to be, I feel like I am in a cage and fighting to get out, there seems to be a fight round every corner, I regret ever asking for help, it seems that we are not seen as a couple anymore and 'they' have just taken him over, ticking all there boxes and putting him anywhere, and just leaving him. without any care as to his quality of life.
I really feel for you. I have same thing, i feel like im bothering the home when i call and mam is deteriorating without me. I feel sick
 

Suzy C

Registered User
Sep 16, 2019
41
I am so sorry for the torment you are going through. It must be agonising for you when you thought it was just for a while whilst you had a rest. You just did not have a chance to separate gently. My husband is also in a care home(8 months) and it is very diffiucult to speak with him as they are all confined to their rooms and he is so bewildered and just asks when i am going, that is when he knows who i am which isn't that often now. I too fear there won't be much of him left that i can communicate with if he makes it through. The torment and heartache with dementia just goes on and on. I did think about bringing him home too, but i know realistically after a while i would have gone mad again and that is hard to realise and accept. Think about how you would be coping now if he was home. You have to try and remember why you put him in there which absolutely was the right decision at that time. You cannot have known what was to happen. I hope you find some peace and can forgive yourself. I am sending you virtual hugs.
 

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