Care home visits

Lellyhelly

Registered User
Jul 27, 2019
30
0
I have today visited my mother, in her care home for the first time in 6 months or so. I found it a deeply distressing experience. The visit took place in mum's room with a large glass screen between us. I realise that this is to comply with regulations, it was awful. I could not hold her hand or reach out to give her gifts. She was asleep the whole time and I was unable to wake her or try to make her comfortable by passing her a blanket or a cushion. I felt this to be inhuman. The only care worker present was new and didn't know my mother. Don't know if I can repeat this experience.
 

lemonbalm

Registered User
May 21, 2018
1,383
0
Hello @Lellyhelly
Don’t feel bad if you decide against another. I don’t think these sorts of visits are worth having to be honest, not for most of us anyway. We need to wait for meaningful visits where we can touch properly and do all those little things that can mean so very much.
 

Robert b

Registered User
Jan 19, 2021
17
0
52
Bradford West Yorkshire
I have today visited my mother, in her care home for the first time in 6 months or so. I found it a deeply distressing experience. The visit took place in mum's room with a large glass screen between us. I realise that this is to comply with regulations, it was awful. I could not hold her hand or reach out to give her gifts. She was asleep the whole time and I was unable to wake her or try to make her comfortable by passing her a blanket or a cushion. I felt this to be inhuman. The only care worker present was new and didn't know my mother. Don't know if I can repeat this experience.
sorry about for your experience its heartbreaking @Lellyhelly
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
795
0
Sorry to hear you had such a distressing visit @Lellyhelly . The care home aren't following guidance as you are allowed to have an indoor visit to care homes now, and hand holding is also allowed, tho no hugs or kisses yet. There shouldn't be a screen (I'm assuming you're the named visitor having regular visits) , the screen for pod visits are for other family members. You could even ask to be an essential care giver as these are in addition to named visitor and can help with more personal care if the residents has higher needs.
There doesn't need to be a care worker with you either as residents are entitled to privacy with their family.
Did you have a Lateral flow test and wear ppe as these all minimise the risks of spreading any infection?
If you are on Facebook I strongly advise you to join the Rights for Residents group as there is lots of information and support on the site as to how these care homes who aren't complying with the guidance from March 4th can be challenged.
Hoping that things will improve for you in your visits
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
751
0
I’m debating whether to stop my pod visits as they are often a waste of time and just seem to upset mum. My sister is her nominated visitor and is having her first indoor visit tomorrow. If that visit goes well, then much as I will miss not seeing mum, we might decide to just have my sister visit. Eventually, it is planned that more people will be added to the visitors list so then me and my brother might also be able to spend quality time with mum.

But like anxious Annie says, you should be able to have an indoor visit without a screen if you are the nominated visitor. The Rights for Residents group ask those being refused such visits to contact the Quality Care Commission and report the care home.
 

Kingsdaughter

Registered User
Dec 27, 2020
15
0
I feel for you, its an awful thing to have a screen between you and your mum. its inhumane, like prison.
I have seen my mum once in the pod. she saw me and rushed in, smashing into the screen. it was very distressing. all mum wanted was to hug me and I her. half an hour of mum being distressed, not understanding why she couldnt hug her own daughter. she asked to be taken back saying whats the point... we cant do it again. my dad sits quietly on his side of the screen, he is very sad. they are in the same home but on different floors. my sister is now allowed in as the one person.... a year, a whole year of not being able to hug my parents. 3 times I have seen them from a distance. 3 times, half hour each, in a whole year. Apparently insurance prevents open house.... I am angry, I am distressed and heart broken. my dad was able to talk to me a year ago. he walked in using a stick. now his memory is going and he cant formulate words. mum thinks hes abandoned her in prison..... she thinks I dont love her... This shouldnt be... its against their basic human rights. homes need to be opened to family. We need to hug each other while theres still time.
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
795
0
So sorry to read this @Kingsdaughter and @Lynmax . It's such a heartbreaking situation to not be able to be with and hug our loved ones, even more so when they don't understand about the restrictions we are placed under.
I find it frustrating too that despite residents having had one dose of the vaccine, and in some cases two, so we are told they have very good protection from serious illness, yet they are still referred to as vulnerable and not allowed to be with their family ( supposedly in their best interests to protect them).
I can have 30 minutes once a week indoors with mum, but she wants to see her other daughter and her grandchildren inside too, not standing out in the cold using a phone to talk.
Covid will be here for years, I feel residents should be allowed to take the risk so they have quality of life, not just quantity. I can't see an end to them being locked up , because Government just say it's too risky with new strains about. It's risky for the younger adults not yet vaccinated too, but they are allowed to follow the roadmap, and am sure they will be back shopping, eating out etc despite the new strains. All very sad for our elderly.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
751
0
Unfortunately my mum refused to have the vaccine - twice! But the care home have not stopped my sister visiting and the visits have mainly gone well. My sister is able to go at least once a week but only for 20 minutes at a time which is really far too short.
 

DennyD

Registered User
Dec 6, 2016
182
0
Porthcawl, South Wales
All your feelings reflect mine. I've been bottling it up so I admire that you posted how distressed you have been. Initially I thought it was a good thing that a local mental health charity facilitated visits for next of kin. It has been disastrous for me. My husband doesn't even look at me, ignores me. Is he angry with me? I don't know as the opportunity for us to maintain some sort of connection has been taken away because of Covid. Wearing masks, maintaining distance must be off putting to him. I cannot touch him, even though we both have had our Covid vaccines. The support worker is allowed to hold his hand - he has a compulsion to walk but she want him to sit - this is not helpful! I simply cannot stand it that staff can touch and be close to him, chat to him, share little jokes. They hover over us when I am desperately trying to made a connection. They go home at the end of their working shift, to their families, do their shopping, how many staff have had their vaccine?
I know, I know, I know - and acknowledge the Covid rules in place and support them. But I can see his deterioration over the last weeks has been rapid, he is not happy, I get very upset afterwards and this remains for a couple of days, yet I book a visit for the following week and go through it all again. I cannot let go - he is my husband.

In the meantime we keep reading about research into the prevention of dementia. For example, people who have rheumatoid arthritis and take methotrexate appear to be at diminished risk. Well, I'm one of those people who have RA and take methotrexate and do not find such articles helpful at all in this period. I need to see reporting on what care facilities and medical professionals are doing to minimise the harm done to people with dementia. I do not need the standard responses 'he's doing fine, he is safe'.

I'd like, wish, for the experiences of carers and families to be documented. I'd like to see the harm done to our emotions and those of our loved ones to be reflected. My last visit was yesterday, so feelings are raw.
 

Howold

Registered User
Apr 26, 2016
5
0
All your feelings reflect mine. I've been bottling it up so I admire that you posted how distressed you have been. Initially I thought it was a good thing that a local mental health charity facilitated visits for next of kin. It has been disastrous for me. My husband doesn't even look at me, ignores me. Is he angry with me? I don't know as the opportunity for us to maintain some sort of connection has been taken away because of Covid. Wearing masks, maintaining distance must be off putting to him. I cannot touch him, even though we both have had our Covid vaccines. The support worker is allowed to hold his hand - he has a compulsion to walk but she want him to sit - this is not helpful! I simply cannot stand it that staff can touch and be close to him, chat to him, share little jokes. They hover over us when I am desperately trying to made a connection. They go home at the end of their working shift, to their families, do their shopping, how many staff have had their vaccine?
I know, I know, I know - and acknowledge the Covid rules in place and support them. But I can see his deterioration over the last weeks has been rapid, he is not happy, I get very upset afterwards and this remains for a couple of days, yet I book a visit for the following week and go through it all again. I cannot let go - he is my husband.

In the meantime we keep reading about research into the prevention of dementia. For example, people who have rheumatoid arthritis and take methotrexate appear to be at diminished risk. Well, I'm one of those people who have RA and take methotrexate and do not find such articles helpful at all in this period. I need to see reporting on what care facilities and medical professionals are doing to minimise the harm done to people with dementia. I do not need the standard responses 'he's doing fine, he is safe'.

I'd like, wish, for the experiences of carers and families to be documented. I'd like to see the harm done to our emotions and those of our loved ones to be reflected. My last visit was yesterday, so feelings are raw.
 

Howold

Registered User
Apr 26, 2016
5
0
You are all very brave in sharing your distress at visiting your loved ones.
It has taken me months to pluck up courage to do so. I feel guilty and saddened after 63 years of happy marriage that my beloved husband is being looked after , although very well, by others.
He gets very distressed and upset when we visit. Behind a screen and still have to wear masks, gloves, apron. Hard of hearing, falling asleep, unable to speak we are not sure if he knows us or not. Certainly doesn't understand why or where he is.
Decided not to have a room visit, although we have not been in the care home, or seen his room at all as he was admitted there after a hip replacement following a fall, and discharge from hospital. 40 miles from where I live and 1 hour drive. My daughter and I go together and it is best that we share the visit as only one of us would be allowed inside, and together we can try and engage with him.
The carer only stays if we ask her to and I think that gives my husband some confidence of someone he knows, perhaps the uniform ? I don't know. I thought holding hands would be helpful for us but now I am not sure .
I take heart that he is clean and well dressed , looks well fed and hopefully safe.
Thanks for this opportunity to share with others who will understand and care.
 

Lone Wolf

Registered User
Sep 20, 2020
126
0
What is the point of protecting care home residents but denying them the love of their nearest and dearest?
 

HardToLetGo

Registered User
Oct 10, 2020
21
0
I feel for you, its an awful thing to have a screen between you and your mum. its inhumane, like prison.
I have seen my mum once in the pod. she saw me and rushed in, smashing into the screen. it was very distressing. all mum wanted was to hug me and I her. half an hour of mum being distressed, not understanding why she couldnt hug her own daughter. she asked to be taken back saying whats the point... we cant do it again. my dad sits quietly on his side of the screen, he is very sad. they are in the same home but on different floors. my sister is now allowed in as the one person.... a year, a whole year of not being able to hug my parents. 3 times I have seen them from a distance. 3 times, half hour each, in a whole year. Apparently insurance prevents open house.... I am angry, I am distressed and heart broken. my dad was able to talk to me a year ago. he walked in using a stick. now his memory is going and he cant formulate words. mum thinks hes abandoned her in prison..... she thinks I dont love her... This shouldnt be... its against their basic human rights. homes need to be opened to family. We need to hug each other while theres still time.
Heartbreaking read, so sorry. Reading as able to window visit yesterday for the first time since Jan, its really hard for everyone, your poor Mum xx