Care home visits

Highlander

Registered User
Jan 11, 2017
4
My husband has been in his nursing home for the past two years, being on a section3. He is now in the final stages of his dementia , with no mobility, unable to speak and basically requiring 24 hour care. Prior to shutdown I visited every day and helped as much as possible with his care. Like many others I have had no face to face visit for almost eight months. The window visits are a small comfort but due to my husbands lack of mobility and communication problems they are far, far from ideal. I would more than anything love to hold his hand , sit with him for a little while and hopeful comfort him.
as there now seems to end in sight to the restrictions I have begun to consider bringing him home. my daughters have promised their help but all have young families and jobs and feel it would be too much for me. Sorry for the long post. Any advice welcome
 

Cat27

Volunteer Moderator
Feb 27, 2015
11,719
Merseyside
I understand how much you miss your husband but you’ve said yourself it would be too much for you to bring him home.
I wish you strength to get through this.
 

Highlander

Registered User
Jan 11, 2017
4
I understand how much you miss your husband but you’ve said yourself it would be too much for you to bring him home.
I wish you strength to get through this.
Maybe I didn’t explain very well. It’s my family who feel it would be too much.
I think maybe what I need Is advice on is the practicalities of caring for him
ie using a hoist to move him and weather I would receive help with his care from social services
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,946
South coast
You would have to be able to prove to Social Services that you could provide care which would meet his needs before they would allow you to take him home.
Do you know what his needs are?
How much care does he require at night? Does he need turning every 2 hours to prevent pressure sores? If so, when would you sleep?
You would definitely need a hoist to move him and that requires 2 people to do it. You would also require 2 people to do personal care and also a hospital bed which can be raised and lowered with space around it for a carer each side of the bed. You may have to rearrange your home.

How would being at home affect finances? While he is under section 3 he is having his care paid for, but if you bring him home will this continue? It may not do. I know that CHC can be paid for care at home, but this only covers 4 carer visits a day plus district nurses - there is no provision for overnight carers and I know that the Local Authority wont fund overnight care, which can turn out to be horrendously expensive. If you decided that you cant continue, will he have lost his place? And would he have lost the section 3 funding? I dont know the answers to these questions, but I would recommend that you find out first.

This stage can last an incredibly long time - months, sometimes years. I am a 24/7 carer for my OH and even though his needs are not as high as your husbands I feel as though his care has taken over every waking minute of my day and I have ceased to be a wife and just feel like a full-time carer. I cannot go out and leave him for long (you may find that you cannot go out and leave him at all), so I am almost housebound myself. I never see anyone except the carers, all my hobbies and interests have gone. Every day is like groundhog day. And he is compliant and easy. When mum moved into her care home I felt that I had become a daughter again.

I know it is hard not seeing him, but dont do it.
 

Highlander

Registered User
Jan 11, 2017
4
Thank you so much for your taking the time to reply, especially as it sounds like you are so busy taking care of your OH. I cared for my husband for five years before he he went into his care home so I do understand the challenges of looking after someone with dementia 24/7. You have my kindest thoughts and best wishes.
Thank you for pointing out everything that I have to think about. I do know the extent of his needs, it would be nursing care that involved all the things you mention and I suppose realistically it may not be possible . Thanks again for your help.
 

Lone Wolf

Registered User
Sep 20, 2020
57
Always so wise Canary, such good advice. It is heart versus head. I am in the same position as Highlander. My heart wants to bring Ann home but my head knows it is not feasible. It is another dire impact of covid. If inside daily visiting was allowed as before lockdown, this constant emotion would be more sufferable because people like Highlander and myself could resume our daily visiting again and recommence our involvment in our loved ones' daily care. Our continuing emotional distress from this situation does not seem to count.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,946
South coast
I agree @Lone Wolf - no one is listening to us.
Old people are at the bottom of the pile and covid is predominantly a disease which seriously affects the elderly. It strikes me that the only thing that counts in many peoples eyes, is keeping the death rate down.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,273
Southampton
the death rate of over 65s is going up which is inevitable because this group usually has underlying medical conditions which makes it less survivable. when will people realise that we need the wisdom and experience of older people to learn from and to care about. its our history they keep alive by their firsthand accounts of the times. there wouldnt be a history student if the older generation didnt write it down or talk about it which is where dementia comes in. it only takes one voice to start things off. words of barry manilow. its like the black old days when people were put into asylums hidden away never to be remembered again. no way to treat people
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
596
You're right @jennifer1967 people are hidden away and being forgotten by all but their loved ones. I don't know @Highlander if you have joined Rights for Residents group ( if not just google) as there are members there in the same situation as you .
Also the BBC is looking for people to share their story on Victoria Derbyshire programme next week ( possibly Monday). If you feel you couldn't talk about this as it would be very emotional, you can contact her on Twitter, or email in your story
victoria@bbc.co.uk
I know I couldn't talk on air, but have emailed mums story.
 

Barlemo

Registered User
Apr 23, 2012
80
This thread is very helpful. I have a similar dilemma at the moment and posted for advice this morning, not having seen this. Thanks to Kellyr for redirecting me. I’m still not sure what to do. Heart says yes bring him home, head says no don’t do it!
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
1,273
Southampton
This thread is very helpful. I have a similar dilemma at the moment and posted for advice this morning, not having seen this. Thanks to Kellyr for redirecting me. I’m still not sure what to do. Heart says yes bring him home, head says no don’t do it!
my thought process would be if it had become too difficult for you to care for him then, then it will be more difficult now with his increased care needs for you to care for him now. its so hard with covid to know what to do for the best for the both of you and you especially barlemo as you will be doing the caring