Care home visitor lockdown

Banjomansmate

Registered User
Jan 13, 2019
2,210
Dorset
Even with my assistance The Banjoman wouldn’t try using my iPad to talk with his daughter even before he entered Residential care so I’m sure he wouldn’t have understood it when there.
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
391
I can only imagine the heartbreak you. are going through. I can’t imagine not being able to hug a loved one in this horrendoous situation. It is absolutely a cruel decision and I apologise if I caused you further upset
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
391
It’s breaking my heart too. Every word you have written is correct. My mum is going downhill daily. I long to hold her and if nothing else let her know that I love her. If things carry on like this I don’t think my mum will last the winter, and she will die with the thoughts that her family who she adores have forgotten her. Just not sure how I will ever live with that. If I could bring her home I would do it in a heartbeat.

I’m going through the painful process of putting mum in a care home and your thoughts make me question my decision.
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
391
Even with my assistance The Banjoman wouldn’t try using my iPad to talk with his daughter even before he entered Residential care so I’m sure he wouldn’t have understood it when there.
I understand this is not for everyone, my mum wouldn’t be able to use an iPad on her own but being able to see me face with assistance may help.

Sorry if it’s an inappropriate comment but I think @Louise7 is right to let everyone know what is being done, not all will benefit, but some might.
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
96
There isn’t a day goes by that I don’t question my decision. I honestly don’t believe there is anything bad about the care home but mum clearly hates it. All the positives I was told would come from the move haven’t happened, she was lonely and afraid at home but she is lonely and afraid in the care home. Obviously Covid has played a huge part. We promised her lots of visits, trips out, local people popping in and out and most of all we assured her she would still see all of us. It’s not been anything like we promised. It’s just so bloody cruel. Dementia on its own is torture. But with restrictions on the only things that give our loved ones any comfort, hugs, hand holding, smiles...it makes you question should we be putting them through it?
 

Just me

Registered User
Nov 17, 2013
391
Given the chance would you make the same decision?
I’m on the verge of moving mum to a care home and I’m trying to be respectful and not lie to her, I know about love lies but mum had a level of awareness of what’s happening.
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
96
Given the chance would you make the same decision?
I’m on the verge of moving mum to a care home and I’m trying to be respectful and not lie to her, I know about love lies but mum had a level of awareness of what’s happening.
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
96
My heart would say no I would keep her at home, persevere with the carers going in and sleep there myself each night if need be. My head says I was in such a state of exhaustion that it was the right thing to do and I always knew it was on the cards. The worst part has been the timing with Covid. If I could have moved her in and got straight into a routine of visiting and taking her out etc the pain for both of us would have been easier. I can’t even really talk to the staff for updates or build any relationships like I had hoped. Mum has very lucid moments which makes it hard as she knows what’s happening to her. Sometimes I wish she didn’t. Sometimes the guilt just eats away at me and I feel physically sick. Sometimes I wish she wasn’t suffering anymore. You will make the right decision, stay strong xx
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
512
I hope nobody thinks I was criticising @Louise7 in my post for mentioning the iPads . It's good that others post on things they hear and I appreciate it.
My mum is able to talk to me using the iPad when staff have set it all up and for me it is a way to keep her seeing me , particularly as I don't live near the home, but I do appreciate that for many it is not a good way of having contact.
Like others I carry on compaigning for what we all ideally want , being able to hug our loved ones , with minimal risk as I know it can't be completely eradicated, and I understand others would rather have no risk.
I 'm sure I probably annoy some people when I am always mentioning about emailing MPs etc, Unfortunately it helps me to do this as I feel quite helpless about the visiting situation
 

Nikkifrommars

Registered User
Sep 27, 2020
12
Some care homes were provided with ipads or android tablets early on on a lease basis. This was discontinued. 11000 ipads provided is not even enough for 1 per care home.. nor are many residents especially with alzheimers/dementia able to/comfortable using them.. etc etc.. but 1 per care home (even where residents are able to use the technology with assistance), is not enough to provide most residents with more than 1 short call per week. As such it is totally inadequate especially for people affected by cognitive decline for whatever reason . Even 1 day without meaningful contact is bad for a resident with dementia.. having worked ij dementia care in the past the residents who declined lese were those with regular meaningful contact with loved ones and with activities they found engaging (most not happening due to Covid).. many family members have bought ipads or tablets so video calls are possible.. but without carers to facilitate (often not happening) then such calls are often too complex to be managed by the resident on their own.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,792
cornwall
Given the chance would you make the same decision?
I’m on the verge of moving mum to a care home and I’m trying to be respectful and not lie to her, I know about love lies but mum had a level of awareness of what’s happening.
I am in the same position. My dad needs 24/7 really. He has done for a while. He has a lot of self awareness so knows what is going on. Apart from his memory he needs prompting to drink etc. His overall problems are his mobility.. I’m going to be moving his bed into the dining room to enable all of us carers to help him. If this doesn’t work there is nothing left to do. I’m loath to send him to a care home tbh. So I know what you are going through..
 

Nikkifrommars

Registered User
Sep 27, 2020
12
I am in the same position. My dad needs 24/7 really. He has done for a while. He has a lot of self awareness so knows what is going on. Apart from his memory he needs prompting to drink etc. His overall problems are his mobility.. I’m going to be moving his bed into the dining room to enable all of us carers to help him. If this doesn’t work there is nothing left to do. I’m loath to send him to a care home tbh. So I know what you are going through..
Hi Hun.. dont know your specific circumstances and what care you feel able to provide.. however.. depending on what care family etc can provide, and his needs (continence, skin integrity, health needs and mobility) are apart from his dementia needs, it is possible in many or even most cases for a persons care to be provided at home rather than in a care home.. and often at less cost to the LA (local authority) to do so, however as an addendum here, most LAs are reluctant to do ao and prefer to place in care homes.. care has at times been shown to be inferior to what can be provided at home if adequate support can be provided, but that still is generally the preferred route, and fighting for that care package to remain at home is often near impossible.. I hope you are able to get some suitable resolution whatever you ultimately decide is right for your loved one.. you know best what works for them.. not an unknown official.. or whoever.. and if a care home is what is needed you will make the right decision.. but.. especially right now.. whatever choice you make is very difficult.. wishing you all the best whatever you decide
 

Sarah1208

Registered User
Jun 22, 2020
96
I am in the same position. My dad needs 24/7 really. He has done for a while. He has a lot of self awareness so knows what is going on. Apart from his memory he needs prompting to drink etc. His overall problems are his mobility.. I’m going to be moving his bed into the dining room to enable all of us carers to help him. If this doesn’t work there is nothing left to do. I’m loath to send him to a care home tbh. So I know what you are going through..
My mum wasn’t drinking when she was at home, the carers were making her drinks but she was leaving them. So got lots of UTIs When I could go in I got her to drink but then Covid hit and the care agency wouldn’t let me go in. So she went downhill. I can’t help feeling that my state of exhaustion and frustration contributed to the decision but I tried so hard and in the end the social worker said it was the right thing. Hopefully moving your dads bed will help. Get as much help as you can to keep your dad at home.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,792
cornwall
Hi Hun.. dont know your specific circumstances and what care you feel able to provide.. however.. depending on what care family etc can provide, and his needs (continence, skin integrity, health needs and mobility) are apart from his dementia needs, it is possible in many or even most cases for a persons care to be provided at home rather than in a care home.. and often at less cost to the LA (local authority) to do so, however as an addendum here, most LAs are reluctant to do ao and prefer to place in care homes.. care has at times been shown to be inferior to what can be provided at home if adequate support can be provided, but that still is generally the preferred route, and fighting for that care package to remain at home is often near impossible.. I hope you are able to get some suitable resolution whatever you ultimately decide is right for your loved one.. you know best what works for them.. not an unknown official.. or whoever.. and if a care home is what is needed you will make the right decision.. but.. especially right now.. whatever choice you make is very difficult.. wishing you all the best whatever you decide
Hi. Dad has carers 4X a day with me doing some. He is self funding but he lives in a small bungalow so it is getting to be really restricting with all of his equipment. But we will carry on as much as we (me) is able too.
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
2,474
I hope nobody thinks I was criticising @Louise7 in my post for mentioning the iPads .
I don't feel criticised. The subject of care homes visits is an emotive topic but I try to take a balanced view of things and post up any news that other members may be interested in. Some care homes are working hard to ensure that families remain connected with their loved ones within the constraints that they have, others are maybe not being so proactive, and I think everyone is well aware that there are inconsistencies, but I can only speak from experience of what mum's care home is doing. I'm sure that everyone with a loved one in a care home at the moment is concerned about the situation regardless of how they wish to show this, or what action they feel they should take. There needs to be a balance between keeping residents safe and maintaining their contact with family but it's not a simple problem to resolve, although there does seem to be a lot going on 'behind the scenes'. Hopefully things will change for the better and in the meantime, to quote a phrase which can seem trite at times, people will continue to be nice to each other and appreciate differing views, even if they don't agree with them.
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,792
cornwall
Hi. Dad has carers 4X a day with me doing some. He is self funding but he lives in a small bungalow so it is getting to be really restricting with all of his equipment. But we will carry on as much as we (me) is able too.
My mum wasn’t drinking when she was at home, the carers were making her drinks but she was leaving them. So got lots of UTIs When I could go in I got her to drink but then Covid hit and the care agency wouldn’t let me go in. So she went downhill. I can’t help feeling that my state of exhaustion and frustration contributed to the decision but I tried so hard and in the end the social worker said it was the right thing. Hopefully moving your dads bed will help. Get as much help as you can to keep your dad at home.
I will. Dad leaves a lot of his drinks unless prompted. He also has a catheter and kidney disease so it is important. A bit like pulling teeth sometimes tbh..
 

Nikkifrommars

Registered User
Sep 27, 2020
12
Hi. Dad has carers 4X a day with me doing some. He is self funding but he lives in a small bungalow so it is getting to be really restricting with all of his equipment. But we will carry on as much as we (me) is able too.
So sorry to hear.. this must be so hard for you and your dad.. hope it gets better for you guys. Wishing you all the best.. and big socially distant hugs..
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,792
cornwall
My mum wasn’t drinking when she was at home, the carers were making her drinks but she was leaving them. So got lots of UTIs When I could go in I got her to drink but then Covid hit and the care agency wouldn’t let me go in. So she went downhill. I can’t help feeling that my state of exhaustion and frustration contributed to the decision but I tried so hard and in the end the social worker said it was the right thing. Hopefully moving your dads bed will help. Get as much help as you can to keep your dad at home.
We can only do what we can do. None of this is easy.
 

Nikkifrommars

Registered User
Sep 27, 2020
12
We can only do what we can do. None of this is easy.
So sorry to hear Sarah, but yes if you are in a situation where health is so badly affected you do what you must. Sadly not all care homes appropriately deal with such needs either, hence the reason I am trying to help a freind get her mum back home.. in her case it seems the care home are happy not to help with food or fluids etc.. most care homes do.. but her situation is bad in care.. cannot believe agency prevented a family member from providimg assistance though.. surely that is against her best interests and legally unenforcable? But I understand why tgey would do so given the governments advice that leaves it as their responsibility if one gets covid.. so sorry they acted this way and hope that both you and mum are ok.. big hugs
 

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