I'm sorry if this has already been discussed, I couldn't see that it had exactly. My OH was diagnosed with AD 8 years ago and has been just a bit odd, forgetful, a bit strange. He would not talk about it so we told only our children (two adult daughters) and two or three close friends. At New year he VERY suddenly became ill, agitated, delirious ,restless, very bad dreams, getting up six or seven times a night. We got 'waking nights' help for four nights a week since my daughters and I had been taking it in turns and were all completely exhausted. He wanted to be with me all the time so I couldn't do anything at all without him following me (he has inoperable damage to his knee and isn't safe walking for fear of falls) .In the daytimes he got dramatically worse, such that on New Year's day we called 111 and two WONDERFUL female paramedics took him to hospital, thinking he'd had a stroke. He was returned to us with the hospital saying it wasn't a stroke but 'only' the AD. Our GP refused to visit : I had asked her to come because his deterioration was so very severe I wanted to know if there could be any other cause. She only did come after I wrote to our lovely MP, now, sadly dead. We then got a live-in carer, continued with the 'waking nights' help and people coming in daily to get him up, He hated them all and mostly wouldn't let them near him. And he sometimes stopped recognising me and our girls. He got worse and worse, and eventually we decided on two weeks' respite care. Taking him there was horrible (anyone who's done it will understand the guilt you feel, the inability to be able to explain to him why you are leaving him there, the fear that he will miss you so much and that they might not look after him properly but overwhelmingly the sadness at not having the friend of 50 years at home with you)
We have now decided that he is calmer, well looked after, and altogether in a better place than he was at home so have reluctantly decided to make it a permanent placement. I go and see him every other day but sometimes he just weeps when I'm there (and when I'm not) and mutters nonsense at me. I find the visits completely and overwhelmingly dreadful. He looks like my nice OH but he isn't except for brief flashes of his old self. I chat away, drink tea, take chocolate, photos, anything I think will be helpful. But he mostly isn't interested (except for the chocolate) so my 1.5 - 2 hours there are very hard work. when I get home ai just sit and cry.
Please can anyone help me by telling me how I can manage to leave without upsetting him, and what they do to make these partings less awful. People have said 'Don't worry, he won't remember' but its so dreadful at the time: he does realise that I'm going away and he doesn't want me to - so he might not remember in 10 minutes time, but at the time I leave it is like someone sticking a knife in my heart. I don't want him to be distressed even for a minute if I can help it, but I don't know how to avoid it.
Sorry this is so long ....
We have now decided that he is calmer, well looked after, and altogether in a better place than he was at home so have reluctantly decided to make it a permanent placement. I go and see him every other day but sometimes he just weeps when I'm there (and when I'm not) and mutters nonsense at me. I find the visits completely and overwhelmingly dreadful. He looks like my nice OH but he isn't except for brief flashes of his old self. I chat away, drink tea, take chocolate, photos, anything I think will be helpful. But he mostly isn't interested (except for the chocolate) so my 1.5 - 2 hours there are very hard work. when I get home ai just sit and cry.
Please can anyone help me by telling me how I can manage to leave without upsetting him, and what they do to make these partings less awful. People have said 'Don't worry, he won't remember' but its so dreadful at the time: he does realise that I'm going away and he doesn't want me to - so he might not remember in 10 minutes time, but at the time I leave it is like someone sticking a knife in my heart. I don't want him to be distressed even for a minute if I can help it, but I don't know how to avoid it.
Sorry this is so long ....