Separate names with a comma.
Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by smartieplum, Apr 30, 2018.
I sometimes dread it but feel guilty if I don't go. Does anyone else feel this?
Sorry, no. I never felt guilty about not going. I used to go about 3-4 times a week. Often before lunch. But not always as it depended on what else was going on that day. When he was ill, once with chest infection, then the final illness, I went every day.
But he had been in respite for a fortnight twice before, and I never visited him then, cos I went away.
Takes a lot to make me guilty, that wasn’t such an occasion.
I used to go everyday when mum was first in a home. Then she started saying ''Wherever have you been? I haven't seen anyone for weeks'' Which was hard , as I had been there only the day before, and everyday before that.
I then reasoned that If she thought I'd not been for a fortnight, it was pointless giving up my everyday to see her whilst the rest of my life just waited. I then went every other day, which was actually good for me- grocery shopping got done, and the vac pushed round.
It was strange for a while, but was actually better for me, and she still said the same .
Yes! But I try to give myself a good talking to! When I visited (both parents) one day last week, they were both asleep.....
Generally, Mum would not remember that I'd visited and doesn't recognise me as her daughter and Dad increasingly is heading that way. I think the guilt comes from just hoping I can make things as good for them as can be, but I think the reality is that this is not down to how often I visit. Initially I was going 3-4 times a week, now it's twice a week but I feel pressure (self inflicted) to keep that up. Occasionally I will give myself a break, knowing that in the grand scheme of things one day will not make a difference. I've got to know the CH staff, some residents and relatives pretty well over the time I've been visiting and that does help to ease the situation. It does seem a bit relentless at times, I think that's quite normal and we should be kind to ourselves. Gx
I visit Mum usually twice a week, as my sister visits twice also, and then my brother once a ftnt, and my sister & I take turns taking Dad every 7-10days.
Dad needs supervision, and he also agitates Mum with his visits so we stay max 30mns.
So Mum probably ends up with 4 visits a week.
I dont feel guilty not visiting, unless its a day I plan to visit and things happen, that prevent me going ...mainly due to ill health etc
The twice that Mums care home was on lock down due to gastro bug ( unless absolutely necessary) was hard. 14 days & 17 days.
Mum was none the wiser.
When Mum is going through a rough patch, which shes had plenty in last year, yes I dread opening the main door.
I visited dad every other day and fitted it and timings around my day but generally avoided his sundowning time in the early part of his NH care. I didn't dread seeing dad...his illness was beyond my control or help...but with challenging behaviour I didn't look forward to being told the inevitable of what he had been up to.I didn't often miss visiting days but would not have felt guilty if I had to...dad wasn't aware of timescales. Could you combine a visit with taking in some treats to share or a simple activity your pwd can still engage with you and make a plan so that the visit is not the most important thing for you to do that day...so afterwards you have something to look forward to...tea with a friend...walk in the park and an ice cream...cinema....etc
I never got used to visiting dad in his nursing home, but I am glad I went as often as I did as I lost him last year and I feel at ease that I did everything I could. Everyone is different - I went a lot as he was completely bed bound for the last 3 years of his life and did not get the chance to mix with anyone else. If he was sleeping, I chatted to the other residents and their relatives!
I visit my Mum usually every other day because if Mum is concerned about something or is a bit down in the dumps it does cheer her up even if it's only for a short while.
I like the staff to see me frequently so they can let me know if there's a problem but also that they know that Mum is loved and that we are keeping a discreet eye on what goes on.
I never dread going and I don't feel guilty if I don't go as I care for my daughter too but it does sometimes leaves me feeling rather sad. I can no longer care for Mum and she could not live alone but she does look so vulnerable at times and I hate lying to her or deflecting her questions about how long she is staying there and how much it costs because in her own mind she is 'just old' but could cope perfectly well on her own somewhere.
I hate the pretence I have to maintain but above all that I am still a daughter who needs her Mum even though our roles have changed and that's why I go as often as I do.
I started by going 7 days a week. After a couple of months, I cut down to 6. Eventually i kept cutting down. I did stay st Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday for a long time. At the end, 15+ years on, I was going in regularly once a week and sometimes twice.
My mother had a very tumultuous disease course (violent, aggressive and agitated for the middle part) so there were a few times when I would deliberately not go, because I found it too stressful.
I don't mind admitting that in the early weeks and months I would often dread visiting, because of the endless, 'Have you come to take me home? I want to go home! etc., not to mention anger/accusations that we'd only put her there because we were after her money - a joke considering the CH fees! But of course there was no point in saying that, though I did just once resort to it.
It did get considerably easier eventually, though I'm afraid to say it was only after her dementia worsened and she'd forgotten her former home altogether. Later still, she forgot who I was, and although it sounds awful to say it, and of course it was heartbreaking in one way, those visits were perhaps the easiest, since I was just 'a nice lady' who made her cups of tea and brought her chocolate.
In the earlier days, when visits were so often difficult, I found them rather easier if anyone else - particularly my OH, who had always been something of a golden boy - came too. But that was not often.
Please don't feel guilty. Many of us will have felt the same.
I feel guilty too. I visit every day but it takes me all day to summon the courage and it's often after 4.30 pm. Mum makes me so sad as she is a shadow of herself and I can't reach her. On the rare occasion I get a smile it overwhelms me. I know i need to let go a bit especially as it has been a long 8 years since mum's diagnosis and she has been a care home, now nursing home for two and a half years. I looked after her before that. The only advice I can offer is what I tell myself. Don't feel guilty, you clearly care very much but you need a break and to live your life. I would never wish my son to go through a similar situation with me. Sadly I can't tell you how to let go and hope the comments from others will help.