My mother is in late stage dementia. She does not recognise her own home as such. She is doubly incontinent now, needs to be watched round the clock as she is awake most of the night and up. She is very unsteady on her feet. other than this her health is good. Her carer is exhausted and we are looking to employ a carer for the nights so that the day carer can rest. I spend a lot of time administering my mother’s house and garden and seeing to her health needs and checking how the carer is as I am the nearest of three daughters. It is a source on constant worry and concern. I would like some help with the question ‘what would be in the best interests of this person’. My mother has always said she does not want to go into a care home, but I wonder if her needs would be better served in a residential situation. Any thoughts about how to make this decision would be much appreciated.
Care home v 24 hour care at home
- Thread starter Luckie
- Start date
Welcome to the forum . What I would say is that live in carers can be extremely expensive. My mother-in-law had carers 3 times a day every day and was quoted for live in care through an agency as £1,200 a week. She actually went into a care home after a hospital admission and the fees there were £1,300 a week and to be honest it was much better value. The care agency also provided ad hoc overnight care not on a regular basis and that was nearly £300 a night.
My mother-in-law always said she never wanted to go into a care home but it got to the point where her needs outweighed what she wanted to happen. Even with carers three times a day she became unsafe when the carers were no longer there and as you have experienced was often up at night disorientated . As far as I was concerned that was the tipping point for her to go into care particularly as she no longer remembered where the bathroom was in her own home. The other point to remember is that a care home will have a whole team to look after your mother, rather than having one carer who may be exhausted. There are forum members who have experience of live-in carers and I'm sure others will be along soon to give better advice
Personally I would say a residential home would best serve her needs.Especially as she is awake most of the night.
My dad doesn’t want to go in a home either but he is getting to the point he needs 24hour care.
He is going into respite for 2weeks with his agreement but he has capacity..
How about respite?She would get assessed whilst in there.
There comes a point when it takes a team to look after one person.
It sounds like you may have reached that.
My dad doesn’t want to go in a home either but he is getting to the point he needs 24hour care.
He is going into respite for 2weeks with his agreement but he has capacity..
How about respite?She would get assessed whilst in there.
There comes a point when it takes a team to look after one person.
It sounds like you may have reached that.
I suppose it depends a little on how the current carer feels about employing someone to take on the nights. Would this be enough to make them less tired? Would they (the current exhausted carer) be going back to their own house to rest and sleep, or would they be staying put and if so is the house layout such as to allow all the night time caring to be taking place without disturbing the sleeping person?
My own thought about care at home v residential care was that residential care offers many hands and many eyes, so no one carer is responsible for hours at a time and there is less opportunity for... less than good care, if you know what I mean. I didn't like the idea of my mum being entirely dependent on one person and behind closed doors.
Also, at home care, especially night time care, is expensive.
Lastly, to be perfectly honest, no one wants to go off to a care home but given how poorly your mum is it's highly unlikely that she'll be aware enough to recognise a care home for what it is. My mum was still quite with it when she went into care but had no idea where she was. It became all kinds of places to her and at one point (and this I hear this is common) she thought she owned it. So I wouldn't worry too much about what your mum might think. Much better, as you say, to look at what she needs right now and how that might best be delivered, without making anyone exhausted.
I never thought I'd be saying it but my mum thrived in the care home and had a much better quality of life than when she was in her own home. She's still with us, no quality of life to speak of because of the advanced Alzheimer's, but the care she receives is still fantastic and it's probably the reason she is still with us. So don't be too afraid to go the care home route if you feel it's the right thing to do, for everyone.
My own thought about care at home v residential care was that residential care offers many hands and many eyes, so no one carer is responsible for hours at a time and there is less opportunity for... less than good care, if you know what I mean. I didn't like the idea of my mum being entirely dependent on one person and behind closed doors.
Also, at home care, especially night time care, is expensive.
Lastly, to be perfectly honest, no one wants to go off to a care home but given how poorly your mum is it's highly unlikely that she'll be aware enough to recognise a care home for what it is. My mum was still quite with it when she went into care but had no idea where she was. It became all kinds of places to her and at one point (and this I hear this is common) she thought she owned it. So I wouldn't worry too much about what your mum might think. Much better, as you say, to look at what she needs right now and how that might best be delivered, without making anyone exhausted.
I never thought I'd be saying it but my mum thrived in the care home and had a much better quality of life than when she was in her own home. She's still with us, no quality of life to speak of because of the advanced Alzheimer's, but the care she receives is still fantastic and it's probably the reason she is still with us. So don't be too afraid to go the care home route if you feel it's the right thing to do, for everyone.
Agree with what Delphie has written - Mum thinks she is still in hospital and we have not said anything to correct that view. I didn't want mum to go into a nursing home, but I couldn't have coped much longer with her at home as nearly all the care was down to me even though we had carers going in 4 times a day. Mum seems to be settled (as far as we can tell) and she is eating/drinking so much better than she was at home, we know she is safe from falls - that to me is priceless.
I know we want to keep them at home for as long as possible and that is what we are told is best for them, but TBH it think that all changes once they no longer recognise their own home. It must be terrifying to be in a strange place, on your own, with no idea how you got there and no idea how long you will have to stay there.
My mum tried to make me promise that I would never put her in a home, but I promised that I would do what would be the very best for her. When she moved into a care home after a TIA landed her in hospital I did not expect that she would thrive there, but she did. Her anxiety and paranoia disappeared and she relaxed and became happy. She joined in the activities, made friends and enjoyed having someone to talk to - night or day. She got much more stimulation there than she did at home - especially once she could not longer work out how to use her phone or the TV remote. I still feel that I kept my promise.
My mum tried to make me promise that I would never put her in a home, but I promised that I would do what would be the very best for her. When she moved into a care home after a TIA landed her in hospital I did not expect that she would thrive there, but she did. Her anxiety and paranoia disappeared and she relaxed and became happy. She joined in the activities, made friends and enjoyed having someone to talk to - night or day. She got much more stimulation there than she did at home - especially once she could not longer work out how to use her phone or the TV remote. I still feel that I kept my promise.
Thanks for your thoughts . I am particularly interested to hear what the tipping point was for you, as my mother has 24 hour care at home, but I am starting to think that if she doesn't know her home and can't remember where the bathroom is, it may be time to think about residential.
Thanks for your detailed reply Dephie. The night carer would be trying to sleep in the house during the day, and the day carer would be trying to sleep at night. The carers have the upstairs of a small house, as my mother does not go upstairs except for when she is being washed.
Thanks too for your comments about going into residential care. I dread the thought of taking her, but as you say it is possible she will not realise where she is. I also appreciate your comment which makes me think that everyone concerned is important and carers should not be at the point of exhaustion.
Thanks too for your comments about going into residential care. I dread the thought of taking her, but as you say it is possible she will not realise where she is. I also appreciate your comment which makes me think that everyone concerned is important and carers should not be at the point of exhaustion.
Thanks for your comments. I don't have to live in with my mother as she has her carer, but I have to oversee her care and her health needs and maintain her home and garden and its taking up a lot of my energy. It is possible that like your mum, my mum would not realise where she it.
Thanks for your reply. I was interested to hear how your mum thrived in the care home. We can never really know how people are going to react. My mum is a sociable woman, but I don't know whether she has gone beyond being able to communicate well. Sometimes she is quite lucid but mostly she just sits looking out the window into her garden, watching the birds.
