Care home update!

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
102
0
I have very much appreciated people’s supportive replies in the past so time for an update! Mum has now been in the care home just over 2 weeks. There ARE positives, she loves her room and en-suite and has definitely joined in various activities. The home manager and staff have been very responsive and I am satisfied with the activities on offer and their kindness and efficiency. My mother however is constantly saying when is she going home, phones me and my sister on the warpath and has been packing things (not every day though) into any bag she can find! Some of my visits have been ok and she never makes a fuss when I leave, beyond a token objection. I am always trying to emphasise positives and distract from the ‘home’ repeats. She’s had another memory assessment and we’ve definitely been told “right place, right time” by the nurse. A lot of what she says makes no sense at all and she doesn’t really have an idea of time and place and doesn’t seem to think where she is is a care home.
HOWEVER, it’s just hard isn’t it? I hate the idea that my mum is confused and unhappy, and I have spent the last 3 years doing anything I could to help her feel better and now I am saying ‘no’ to her repeatedly. I KNOW we’ve done the right thing and that taking her home with a 24/7 carers team ISN’T an alternative, so this is definitely the permanent solution now, but does this all get easier emotionally??
 

Miss Elli

Registered User
Apr 9, 2020
81
0
Gosh that sounds so much like what we are going through right now (even down to the 3yr time line) though Mum is stuck in hospital limbo at the moment but hopefully a care home option on the horizon. As a total anti care person Mum has seemingly adapted and from the outside appears to have accepted the hospital as her new home, but occasionally she does say I'll be glad when I can go home, which as you say is heartbreaking particularly as right now we are planning to go through all of Mum's things and empty and clean her home ready for selling, all of which she will have no knowledge of. I'm just hoping that whichever care environment Mum ends up living in is somewhere that makes her happy.

All I will say to you is, I really don't think your Mum will be worrying or unhappy. Questions of home are probably a knee jerk reaction to you being there, she'll connect you with her home and maybe you driving her around to appointments, taking her home afterwards etc. As we know as relatives of dementia sufferers she will probably move onto something else very quickly after your visit has finished. I can't now get Mum to concentrate on anything longer than seconds, I think when they reach the point of not being able to live at home their short term and sometimes long term memory has just completely gone.

You just have to find solace in the fact she is in a safe place and there for the right reasons....but admittedly I don't think we will ever stop worrying about them.
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
102
0
Gosh that sounds so much like what we are going through right now (even down to the 3yr time line) though Mum is stuck in hospital limbo at the moment but hopefully a care home option on the horizon. As a total anti care person Mum has seemingly adapted and from the outside appears to have accepted the hospital as her new home, but occasionally she does say I'll be glad when I can go home, which as you say is heartbreaking particularly as right now we are planning to go through all of Mum's things and empty and clean her home ready for selling, all of which she will have no knowledge of. I'm just hoping that whichever care environment Mum ends up living in is somewhere that makes her happy.

All I will say to you is, I really don't think your Mum will be worrying or unhappy. Questions of home are probably a knee jerk reaction to you being there, she'll connect you with her home and maybe you driving her around to appointments, taking her home afterwards etc. As we know as relatives of dementia sufferers she will probably move onto something else very quickly after your visit has finished. I can't now get Mum to concentrate on anything longer than seconds, I think when they reach the point of not being able to live at home their short term and sometimes long term memory has just completely gone.

You just have to find solace in the fact she is in a safe place and there for the right reasons....but admittedly I don't think we will ever stop worrying about them.
Thank you
Gosh that sounds so much like what we are going through right now (even down to the 3yr time line) though Mum is stuck in hospital limbo at the moment but hopefully a care home option on the horizon. As a total anti care person Mum has seemingly adapted and from the outside appears to have accepted the hospital as her new home, but occasionally she does say I'll be glad when I can go home, which as you say is heartbreaking particularly as right now we are planning to go through all of Mum's things and empty and clean her home ready for selling, all of which she will have no knowledge of. I'm just hoping that whichever care environment Mum ends up living in is somewhere that makes her happy.

All I will say to you is, I really don't think your Mum will be worrying or unhappy. Questions of home are probably a knee jerk reaction to you being there, she'll connect you with her home and maybe you driving her around to appointments, taking her home afterwards etc. As we know as relatives of dementia sufferers she will probably move onto something else very quickly after your visit has finished. I can't now get Mum to concentrate on anything longer than seconds, I think when they reach the point of not being able to live at home their short term and sometimes long term memory has just completely gone.

You just have to find solace in the fact she is in a safe place and there for the right reasons....but admittedly I don't think we will ever stop worrying about them.
thank you! That’s very helpful!!
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
5,259
0
High Peak
Well, that all sounds rather...normal! Most people do take a little time to settle in a care home. My mother used to pack every day then sit by the door with her coat on. (She fooled a visitor once who held the door open for her and she escaped! Fortunately carers saw and rushed to bring her back.)

But most importantly, your mum likes where she is and is joining in activities and engaging with people - that's really good. (Mum mostly stayed in her room for 3 years.) The 'when am I going home' question is practically universal! Just tell her, 'Yes - as soon as the doctor says you are stronger.' Then distract with cake/tea.
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
102
0
Well, that all sounds rather...normal! Most people do take a little time to settle in a care home. My mother used to pack every day then sit by the door with her coat on. (She fooled a visitor once who held the door open for her and she escaped! Fortunately carers saw and rushed to bring her back.)

But most importantly, your mum likes where she is and is joining in activities and engaging with people - that's really good. (Mum mostly stayed in her room for 3 years.) The 'when am I going home' question is practically universal! Just tell her, 'Yes - as soon as the doctor says you are stronger.' Then distract with cake/tea.
Thank you that is very helpful!
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
Hi @Marler19 , that all sounds pretty positive for these early days. Is there any way her phone could 'develop a problem' as I think phoning you and your sister up is probably just focussing your mum's mind on where she used to be. It does take time to adjust, in my mother's case it was few months before she was more or less settled, and even now when her dementia is very advanced I think she'd rather be somewhere else than where she is. Even if she could articulate where she wanted to be and I could take her there, mum would still be unhappy, as that is just the nature of the disease.
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
102
0
Hi @Marler19 , that all sounds pretty positive for these early days. Is there any way her phone could 'develop a problem' as I think phoning you and your sister up is probably just focussing your mum's mind on where she used to be. It does take time to adjust, in my mother's case it was few months before she was more or less settled, and even now when her dementia is very advanced I think she'd rather be somewhere else than where she is. Even if she could articulate where she wanted to be and I could take her there, mum would still be unhappy, as that is just the nature of the disease.
Thanks @Sarasa - mum has now had her DoLS assessment and the assessor said her dementia is very pronounced and she definitely doesn’t have capacity which was a relief actually as I was STILL telling myself she had gone in too soon! Apparently she hasn’t been asking to go home and has said she likes it there and is calm, so it’s just me and my sister who are getting the doom scenario from her but I guess I just have to roll with it. Certainly as time goes on I am adjusting to it all - still very tough but clearly the ‘right’ thing. It’s so helpful to come on here for support!
 

Munchkin22

Registered User
Sep 6, 2021
63
0
It all sounds very positive, that your mum is taking part in the activities within the home and seems to be settling in well there. Unfortunately, due to the nature of Dementia, if she was in her home she could potentially still ask to go home (possibly asking to go back to her childhood home). Like you have said, the assessor for the DoLS assessment has deemed her to lack capacity in regards to her place of residence and awareness of where she is safe.

I know this is easy for me to say as an outsider and fellow carer, please don't beat yourself up about her going into the home. You have done the right thing, in the sense that her needs have changed and that the home is the place that she is safest. I am not currently at this stage, but I do work in a hospital and have had fellow carers telling me that they feel like they have failed due to moving their relative/cared for to a care home.

Like Marlar19 has already said, could the fact that she calls you or your sister and wants to go home be associated to the fact that she associates you both with when she was at home.

I hope that I have made sense here
 

quickstepqueen

Registered User
Mar 11, 2018
17
0
My Great Aunt goes into a home on Monday. She's been there for respite 3 times before and she seems to like it. We always knew a permanent move was on the cards but when a bed came up this week we decided the time was right. (2 more falls/UTI this week.) But now I'm overwhelmed with emotion wondering if we've moved too quick. I'd sooner her go to a lovely home she's familiar with, than end up in hospital and being discharged to god knows where. No care home is perfect but I think we have the right fit for her. She always comes home from respite happy and looked after. But I'm feeling so guilty. When she leaves her house on Monday for her "extended holiday" (we've initially told her it's for 3/4 weeks to see how she manages, should it need to be permanent) I know it'll be the last time she'll see her home. But she won't know. It's eating me up already.
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
102
0
I think the only thing I can say @quickstepqueen is be very kind to yourself and expect a range of emotions. Very often our PWD is not having the same sort of emotions and feelings that we think they might be. I have been really surprised how cheerful (mostly!) my mum is in the home as she lives in the moment and has lost the sense of time and place that would make her realise this is ‘forever’. I still have moments when I feel so upset in case she’s afraid or sad, but on the other hand she was often scared and panicking in her own home and her care home is nice with very kind people and plenty of activities. All the best with it, I do wish you well and can reassure you it IS the right thing…
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
0
Nottinghamshire
My mother in law moved into care recently. Although my husband has thought it would be the best place for her for a while, some of his siblings thought she would be distraught at leaving her home, until her carers said they could no longer provide the care she needs. As it is she doesn't really seem to have noticed. The home set up her new room in a similar way to her one at home and are making sure she has the things she liked at home, such as Earl Grey tea, available.
Hopefully your great aunt will feel the same @quickstepqueen. According to my husband his mother now looks a lot healthier than she has done for some time.
 

Debs189

Registered User
Jan 26, 2016
11
0
My mum is currently in hospital after breaking her hip. After much, much agonising and asking just about everyone I can for their experiences, I have decided she really needs residential care. Terrified about how I would even begin to communicate this - especially as I normally endure a barrage of ‘when can I go home?‘ questions when I visit the hospital - I was surprised by her on Friday. Glancing around the hospital ward she asked “do I live here now?”. “Would you mind if you did?” I said. “Not really,” she replied, “everyone’s very nice.” I hope this is a good portent for the future. Best wishes to everyone else out there wrestling the dementia dragon.
 

Maggies daughter

New member
Mar 24, 2020
2
0
My mum is still living at home, while we find the right place for her. But I have daily calls from her asking when she’s going home. Oh and where is the dog? Who died in April.
It’s not the move to the care home that is the cause of your mum’s calls - It’s her dementia talking.
we are also struggling with the decision - but it’s doesn’t seem right to keep her in a place where she’s almost permanently puzzled and confused either.
 

Leva

Registered User
Jun 17, 2021
12
0
It is desperately upsetting! My husband asks me every visit , which is every other day, how much longer? I say 3 weeks every time and mostly he accepts that but now and again will say you said that last time and those moment of lucidity are so difficult too but I do know that he is getting good care. Of course it's not as good as the care I was giving him but that didn't satisfy him either and made me very ill , both physically and mentally so I have to accept there is no alternative. I think people are horrified when I say he will be better dead but he will be out of the brain mire that this formerly clever and talented man is now going through. It's really a nightmare for both of us. We have been married for 57 years and I love him so much!
 

thornboy

New member
Aug 17, 2021
1
0
My wife who I have been looking after for the last two years, is due to go in for respite any day now !I am racked with guilt as to am I doing the right thing, or am I just thinking of myself and getting some sleep? We have been together for nearly 70 years, and I know she trusts me to look after her! What to do! do I keep her at home or let her go in the hope she may be happier in a home? Can you help with your own experiences
 

jenw17

New member
Jan 21, 2021
3
0
Mum has been in a very nice home since Feb (6 months). She looks much better physically, and the terrible hallucinations she was having have subsided, although not completely gone. When she says she wants to go home it is to be with her parents. She has very little memory of our family home, but is able to sort of recognise it in the photograph album we left in her room. What has helped:
1. looking at old photographs of her childhood home - a nice distraction has been to get her to make drawings or maps of routes to her friends houses.
2. Nobody can move because of Covid - which is why we all wear masks.
3. Videos of my granddaughter playing in the park - thank goodness for WhatsApp!
4. When all else fails we are waiting for the doctor's report!
Sometimes I think the 'when can I go home' question is just something to say because there is little else to talk about. It is hard, no doubt about it, but you have to trust that your loved one is in the right place. Mum was placed into the care home as an emergency respite as she was having terrible hallucinations and was just not safe - we were all at our wits end. We were grateful that the home turned out to be good, so the decision for her to stay permanently was easier to take.
 

jenw17

New member
Jan 21, 2021
3
0
My wife who I have been looking after for the last two years, is due to go in for respite any day now !I am racked with guilt as to am I doing the right thing, or am I just thinking of myself and getting some sleep? We have been together for nearly 70 years, and I know she trusts me to look after her! What to do! do I keep her at home or let her go in the hope she may be happier in a home? Can you help with your own experiences
My mother went into emergency respite care 6 months ago and is now there permanently - it was not an easy decision, but she was just not safe at home. The family rallied around as best they could, but we were struggling to cope - and that was three grown adults plus others helping out. When you get some proper rest you will be able to do so much more for her - the burden of washing / feeding doing housework etc will be lifted and you will be able to spend good quality time with her. Make photo albums and a remembrance box to share. (They may go walkies in the home so make sure her name is clear on EVERYTHING). It will be sad, but you will have the opportunity to make happy memories with her in the home, if you don't take care of yourself you will not be able to care for her.
 

Josh60

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
75
0
Sheffield
I was in a similar position. My wife has lived with Alzheimers for six years getting progressively worse. While she was at home she was constantly asking To go home, her childhood home and I was in the position of not knowing what to say to her, eventually I started saying we will see tomorrow and that would passify for a while. Around 8 weeks ago I couldn't cope any longer a decided to put her name on the waiting list for a care home that I had been recommended. The place in the care home came much quicker than I expected but I made the decision to accept the placement. She seems quite settled now after about 8 weeks but most times that I visit her, thee times a week, she will ask to go home, the way I deal with that is by saying that she is at home and all the lovely ladies are looking after her and that seems to pacify her until the next time that I visit. As for the way I feel, I feel that I have let her down but I know that I couldn't manage to look after her myself, I just hope that it becomes easier as time goes on. Please don't do what I have done and beat yourself up.
 

Marler19

Registered User
May 16, 2021
102
0
@thornboy it does get easier! It is the kindest thing to do to let someone go to be looked after 24/7 but I think we all struggle with the feeling we have let ‘our’ person down. The thing that helps me most is thinking of the DEMENTIA as the problem: this horrible disease affects carers and loved ones alike and there is no shame in saying you need to take someone where they can be safely loved and helped by a team of people. My sister phoned my mum’s home this morning to be told the manager had taken mum out for a walk! Which was lovely - I hope she is making relationships there as all I want is for her to be as happy as possible. When the time comes, you will be doing the right thing.
 

Taffytom

New member
Aug 23, 2021
1
0
It is such a relief to read other people’s experiences & realise that you are not the only one. My Mum has been in a care home since February & is just beginning to settle in. She had a fall in January & broke her ankle, she was on the bathroom floor all night until I found her the next morning. She was in hospital for three weeks, but because of the pandemic we were not allowed to visit her. As she is almost totally deaf we weren’t able to speak to her on the phone & she doesn’t get on with iPads! It was heartbreaking not being able to see her & she had to celebrate her 95th birthday on her own in hospital. I kept being told that she had dementia, but I couldn’t understand that, because up until her fall she had been, with help from me, completely independent. She was then moved to a nursing home for respite care as she is now unable to walk. We were still unable to visit her , although window visits were allowed. It became apparent as the weeks went by that she was becoming more & more confused & I am convinced that the separation from all her family for such a long time contributed to this. We finally had to make the decision that she needed 24 hour care , luckily the nursing home she was in had a permanent room available. It is a lovely, bright home & I felt that it was better for her to stay there & not be moved again. It has not been easy & there have been many days when I have wondered if I made the right decision & felt so guilty that Mum was in a care home, the one thing she didn’t ever want. But as the weeks have gone by she has become more settled & thinks her room is her new flat. We visited her today & they had just been entertained by a singer & she had thoroughly enjoyed it. So there is light at the end of the tunnel, but there are still good days & bad days. It is so good to know that there are others who understand what we are all going through. I think we just have to hang on to the fact that they are being looked after & kept safe. Good luck everyone.