Care Home unexpected turn of events

[Linbrusco]

My Dad 83 mixed dementia, lung, kidney issues, high BP, prostate cancer, and an abdominal aneurysm, went into care 7 mnths ago. He still has good mobility.
Awaiting cataract op next week.
My Mum who had been in the same care home 5 yrs, but passed away 7 weeks ago.

I dont wish to offend, and I know this can be common with dementia, but yesterday I receved a call to advise me that Dad and a new lady resident, that Dad took a shine to , prior to Mum passing, were found in this ladys room by a carer, both in bed together.

My Dad has always been such a prude all his life, and is so private when it comes to toileting and showering , that we just cant beleive it.
Of course we have the issue with both of them having dementia and consent , forgetting , etc
Lady in late 60’s doesnt have a husband.
Staff obviously have come across this before so keeping an eye on the situation, but have also asked both families our thoughts.

I dont know what to think to be honest. We dont feel we should even mention anything to Dad as he would deny it ( even if he does remember) and it would cause more upset.
Apparently he was very embarrased at the time being caught, and wouldnt talk to the Manager, but today as if nothings happened of course.

Any advice here?

 

[jennifer1967]

i had this issue when i worked. there was a pairing but both were confused and the partner of one of them objected as well as quite reasonable. they were kept an eye on and watched. if one went to the other ones room, they were brought back into the lounge or at night, they were brought back to their own rooms. does he know whats happening and be able to make a reasoned decision? im not sure its wise but it is better that the staff are aware and can stop it happening. they could use a pressure pad to alert them if your dad or the other lady gets out of bed and regular checking should be all they need. inhibitions tend to go as the filters dont work as well.

 

[canary]

My mum took a shine to one of the male residents in her care home. He had the same christian name as my dad (who had died 30 years previously) and I think she thought this man was actually her husband. The man in question, however, knew that mum was not his wife as his wife was still alive and he still recognised her. The staff worked very hard to keep them apart and eventually mums delusion passed and they just became friends with nothing more to it.

I have heard of people allowing their relatives to have this sort of relationship, but it must be very difficult and I dont know about consent. I am not sure that I would have been comfortable with it, even if the man mum thought was her husband was willing and did not have a wife.

 

[marionq]

I would have hated that if my husband had become involved with anyone. Yet common sense tells me that dementia has its own rules or misrules. So I don’t think blame or anger is appropriate. Yes try to keep them separate but I would be saying don’t make an issue of it.

 

[northumbrian_k]

An old chap where my wife lives trys it on with female residents, staff and visitors alike. It is mostly talk although getting a kiss ranks highly for him. My wife was found in his room with him one evening but nothing happened, nor was it likely to. I have told him off a couple of times for some remarks but not in a heavy-handed way. I suspect that this was his nature before dementia. Staff know what he is like and that he will back down if challenged. It is not something that worries me.

 

[Sarasa]

My mother started a relationship with another resident in her care home. Not only did the man's wife object, but mum was eyeing up other male residents as well, wandering into their rooms etc.
The care home manager made it clear that sexual relationships between residents weren't forbidden as such but that he had to ensure that they had enough capacity to make informed decisions. We both felt mum didn't really have that capacity so our solution was to move her to a different floor with fewer men. The move was a good one in other ways as mum seemed to warm better to the carers on that floor and has been more settled since.
Every time mum and the man from the other floor were in the same space together it was obvious staff were trying to ensure they didn't become too pally, and I think it's something they've both forgotten now.
Mum was always a bit of a flirt, always liked male attention so I guess when dementia meant she lost her inhibitions due to dementia, she was likely to want to start a relationship with any available man.

 

[Shedrech]

personally @Linbrusco I would be completely honest with the staff and say outright whatever your feelings are
including giving them the background to your dad's general approach to his life and relationships

relationships between consenting adults who have the capacity to make such decisions is one thing ... if one or both of the adults involved have no such capacity, then, imo, the staff need to monitor and prevent, for the welfare of both the adults

 

[Linbrusco]

Thanks all.
Dad by all accounts is besotted and the lady is his “ girlfriend”
Dementia or not I said to him “ Didnt take you long to find a girlfriend, Mum only passed away 8 weeks ago”
Dads reply “ I don’t care about that, Im not married anymore”

Staff are doing 1/2 hrly checks on there whereabouts, and if there room doors are closed they will knock loudly, wait and open the door.
So far no more incidences.
The two of them seek each other out when in the dining room or lounge, and like to dance together.

Us 3 kids are still a bit concerned as to how it will work out ?

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Sheesh! I'm not surprised you're concerned!

A few thoughts: this is a dementia relationship (and both are being supervised within a care home) so shouldn't be seen in quite the same way as it would otherwise. And it could be far worse! At least the lady doesn't have a husband and although it's really upsetting for you as your mother died only recently, it would have been far worse if he'd struck up this relationship while she was still alive.

Could it be also that in his dementia mind, the new lady offers him some comfort after the grief of losing his wife, perhaps lessening his sorrow? (I don't know - maybe that's not his personality.) And maybe the lady feels something similar, being anxious when moving to the care home then finding someone she seemed to have things in common with. It may be comforting for her too.

The staff are obviously on the ball with watching them. You may find the relationship runs its course and just fades away or they may even fall out with each other. But if it's offering some comfort to both, I think I'd just step back a bit and see how things progress. It's still difficult/upsetting for you though!

 

[Grannie G]

It`s strange but I feel anyone who could bring a relative of mine ,including my husband, some comfort would be acceptable as long as neither were hurting anyone else.

There’s little pleasure for someone with dementia in a care home so the pleasure from another would only help ease the loneliness and isolation

I’m not saying I would be happy to witness it but I would have no objection when I wasn’t present.

How this could be organised is another matter.

 

[Linbrusco]

Don’t get me wrong, any happiness is welcome, and is so much better than just 4 months ago with Dad threatening to blow his Rest Home up and do the Manager over ! He’s now on Respiradone, but we could have done without knowing about the two of them in bed ?
I suppose the hardest thing to get our head around is Dad being kind and attentive to this lady, when he certainly didnt treat Mum this way.

 

[Skippyboy]

My husband has Alzhiemers and is in a "Home". This is purely my own feeling, I would be glad if he found comfort as there is no joy in his life at the moment, providing of course that the other party felt the same. Covid regulations in the home are extremely strict, he has not stepped out since he was admitted there.

 

[Millwill]

What an odd behaviour! But then again as I read the posts I suddenly regressed to one night when my sibling got into my bed. Screaming at them in the middle of the night, I noticed her eyes closed, she was totally unaware as she was sleep walking. But being a kid and rather annoyed I woke her up. ' What am I doing here?' She said rather perplexed. Not a clue as to how or why she got there
So if your brain can do funny stuff like that, imagine how confused the brain must be with dementia. So forget it! Their brains are not acting 'normally' .