Morning all. I'm posting on here as I know you all understand how I feel. Have cared for mum for over 7 years (10 in total including my Dad) and for 2 1/2 mum has lived with us. We converted the garage to make her a lovely room and it worked well until April this year when mums condition had worsened and I was struggling to cope. I asked for respite, something I always said I'd never do but I was desperate. Mum went into respite, not a home I had chosen as it was classed as emergency respite so beggers couldn't' be choosers, but within 6 hours she had fallen and broken her hip! I felt so guilty. Anyway after hospital for 3 weeks she was transferred to a different care home and it was lovely. They looked after mum really well and she was happy there, something I never in a million years thought I'd see. She was in for 4 months total and at the end of August we brought her home. Big mistake! The day we went to collect her and told her we were taking her home she said she didn't want to go!! But take her we did, felt we had to try again after sacrificing so much to have her live with us. But, her condition has worsened, she has reverted right back to her parents being alive and its heart breaking at times, she can no longer walk, and again I feel myself becoming, depressed, anxious and unable to cope. Feel trapped. I was at the home last week as a friends step dad who was also in passed away and the funeral went from the home. I went into the office to say hello to everyone and they told me they had a room available for mum! They all loved mum and missed her! At that moment I said yes! Drove home in panic at what I'd done but everyone I spoke to said I was doing the right thing and this morning, mum will be going back in. To be honest, she is confused as to where she is and I feel she was happier there then she is here. Much more going on than here. But last night the tears flowed when I went to bed. Feel incredibly sad this day has come, feel I'm letting her down even though I've been there for her for 7 years. Still, the guilt is there too. Her last night in her lovely room. She looked so small and fragile asleep last night when I checked on her, bless her. She'll be 96 in December, shes amazing. I tell myself I'm getting my life back, but I don't feel any better right now! xx
Care Home Today!
- Thread starter little shettie
- Start date
And of course you are doing the right thing for all of you. I hope that the move goes smoothly today. It's great that you know the home already and that your mum has been happy there, which is half the battle if not more!
A wise person here said to me when I was agonising over my mum needing to go into her care home, that you are still able to care for you r mum and help with looking after her, but you get to spend more quality time with her, and that is very true. Xxxx
A wise person here said to me when I was agonising over my mum needing to go into her care home, that you are still able to care for you r mum and help with looking after her, but you get to spend more quality time with her, and that is very true. Xxxx
I think you know in your heart that if she was happy there, and didn't want to leave - especially given how she's deteriorated - you have absolutely done the right thing.
It seems to me that somewhere we nearly all have a little inner 'heart' voice that tells us it cannot be right to put anyone in a care home - we should be looking after them ourselves. And it won't shut up, even when we know it's going to provide the best, non-exhausted 24/7 care, and even when the person is happy there.
I do hope yours will shut up eventually, and that you will enjoy spending 'good' time with your mum, when you are well rested and able to make the most of it.
It seems to me that somewhere we nearly all have a little inner 'heart' voice that tells us it cannot be right to put anyone in a care home - we should be looking after them ourselves. And it won't shut up, even when we know it's going to provide the best, non-exhausted 24/7 care, and even when the person is happy there.
I do hope yours will shut up eventually, and that you will enjoy spending 'good' time with your mum, when you are well rested and able to make the most of it.
Be strong
Hi, I had to make the decision (though really there was no choice) that my dad had to go into a nursing home. It is a horrible and heart breaking decision to have to make. To this day (18 months on) I still like awake at night trying to work out if there is any way I could have him at home instead... there really isn't.
You have done the right thing. She will be well cared for and now you can spend your precious time together being friends and having quality time instead of the hard, hard feelings and emotions that come with caring for someone at home.
XX
Hi, I had to make the decision (though really there was no choice) that my dad had to go into a nursing home. It is a horrible and heart breaking decision to have to make. To this day (18 months on) I still like awake at night trying to work out if there is any way I could have him at home instead... there really isn't.
You have done the right thing. She will be well cared for and now you can spend your precious time together being friends and having quality time instead of the hard, hard feelings and emotions that come with caring for someone at home.
XX
I think, somehow, that there is this confusion of love and care and this (irrational) feeling that if you dont continue doing the caring then it must mean that you dont love them enough. Even the wording is that you are "no longer caring".
It is all b/s - of course you still love them, of course you still care for them - and you will actually still be caring for them, just in a different way. I told myself (very firmly) that I hadnt "put mum in a care home" - a phrase I loath - but that she had downsized to a bedsit with communal facilities
It is all b/s - of course you still love them, of course you still care for them - and you will actually still be caring for them, just in a different way. I told myself (very firmly) that I hadnt "put mum in a care home" - a phrase I loath - but that she had downsized to a bedsit with communal facilities
Hi Little Shettie.
Very wise words above all. Totally understand how you're feeling right now though/
I do hope that all goes well for you both today xxx
Very wise words above all. Totally understand how you're feeling right now though/
I do hope that all goes well for you both today xxx
Congratulations for being brave enough to say " Mum needs more that I can manage now"
..... and by the way, you haven't stopped caring for her, you care in a different fashion now.
It will feel strange, but it will become the norm and it will be right for Mum.
Time to take care of you too.x.x.
..... and by the way, you haven't stopped caring for her, you care in a different fashion now.
It will feel strange, but it will become the norm and it will be right for Mum.
Time to take care of you too.x.x.
