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Care Home stress

TriciaBee

Registered User
Jul 27, 2018
34
My husband has been in a very good Care Home since January. He hasn’t settled, possibly because I visit every day. I worry that he may be getting depressed. He doesn’t really know me. He thinks I’m someone else who he quite likes! He talks about getting out of there. I don’t think I can take much more of it. He shouts and gets very angry. I have seen a counsellor a couple of times to help with the guilt but that hasn’t helped at all. I don’t want to talk - I want someone to talk to me and tell me what to do.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
66
My husband has been in a very good Care Home since January. He hasn’t settled, possibly because I visit every day. I worry that he may be getting depressed. He doesn’t really know me. He thinks I’m someone else who he quite likes! He talks about getting out of there. I don’t think I can take much more of it. He shouts and gets very angry. I have seen a counsellor a couple of times to help with the guilt but that hasn’t helped at all. I don’t want to talk - I want someone to talk to me and tell me what to do.[/QUOTE
 

Louise7

Registered User
Mar 25, 2016
1,794
Sorry that you're having these problems. Depression is very common with dementia so I'd suggest speaking to the GP as there may be something that can be prescribed to help your husband to settle. You mention that you have been going to see him every day, and this could be preventing him from settling. Can you maybe try having a break and reduce your visits to every 2/3 days or so to see if it helps? (I think I've suggested this before?) The visits seem upsetting for you both and it may be that taking a break will give you a much needed breather plus also help your husband to settle. Is he getting angry and shouting when you leave? Although he may not seem to know you he could be associating you with home, and seeing you leave may be a trigger for him. Also people with dementia pick up on the emotions of others so if you are feeling tense/stressed/upset when visiting it's likely that your husband will be picking up on your moods.

Not sure if it's already been suggested to you but when you leave do you say goodbye to let your husband know that you are leaving? When leaving Mum - who sometimes gets upset when I go - I tend to say that I'm just popping across the road to the shops or going to the loo rather than saying that I'm going home and that seems to help. Sorry that you haven't found counselling helpful but maybe looking back over your previous threads at the advice people have given previously might help? Lots of people here have been through similar and can offer advice about what worked for them so it's worth giving some of the suggestions a go, for the sake of your health.
 

marshal

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
66
My husband has been in a very good Care Home since January. He hasn’t settled, possibly because I visit every day. I worry that he may be getting depressed. He doesn’t really know me. He thinks I’m someone else who he quite likes! He talks about getting out of there. I don’t think I can take much more of it. He shouts and gets very angry. I have seen a counsellor a couple of times to help with the guilt but that hasn’t helped at all. I don’t want to talk - I want someone to talk to me and tell me what to do.
I GET IT ! We need to know how to make things better. Not to sit and talk about how bad things are. I am in a very similar situation to you. He is lost , confused and so unhappy it cuts me up daily.
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
83
North East England UK
If you phone the care home and ask to speak to the person looking after by our husband. Ask how he is getting on. That way you will get to know how he is when you not there. Also get to know the names of the people who look after him.
I do think that daily visits are counter productive
The care is set up to meet all his needs but a good care home will support the whole family and will encourage you to phone whenever you need.
 

TriciaBee

Registered User
Jul 27, 2018
34
If you phone the care home and ask to speak to the person looking after by our husband. Ask how he is getting on. That way you will get to know how he is when you not there. Also get to know the names of the people who look after him.
I do think that daily visits are counter productive
The care is set up to meet all his needs but a good care home will support the whole family and will encourage you to phone whenever you need.
 

Mydarlingdaughter

Registered User
Oct 25, 2019
83
North East England UK
How long are your visits? I have cut down the length of the visits, to maximum 45 minutes, as Mum gets very tired. Is he angry when you arrive or could it be a sign of tiredness?
I also spend most of the visit looking through old photos with Mum, an activity she loves, or looking at other things like seed packets, gardening magazines, or other things she likes. Things she can handle with ease, such as the seed packets, work very well. I ask her to put the ones to keep in one pile, and the ones she doesn't like in another pile. Such fun can be had!
Conversations are almost impossible because she starts on the repetitive questions:(
Maybe you could find something like that he enjoys and make the visits shorter.
 

Kingsbridge

Registered User
Dec 8, 2019
33
I understand how u feel I too have similar visits mum been in care home for six weeks good advice on changing the amount of visits to see if that helps I too was going everyday and feeling awful after each visit not sleeping worrying about it constantly and fed up of asking about it all when I want someone else to sort it tell me what to do but that's not going to happen keep posting on here we will support u