Care home review

[Maldives13]

Hi all. Haven't been on here for a while. Mum has now been in her care home for a year. The home is great and the staff wonderful. I have had a few issues - sleeping and showers in the main! I spend hours with my Mum taking her out and spending time in the home. I think the manager wasn't sure about me at first but had realised I just enjoy being with my Mum and want to have time with her while I'm able. We still have some niggles. I want to help and I think she would prefer it if I left throngs to them.
Anyway I have 2 sisters who visit a couple of hours each twice a week and a brother who lives in Spain who only visits occasionally. My problem is the manager has suggested we all meet to do the annual review. My hubby and sisters hubby can't be there but the other two partners will be. That means the manager, 6 of us and my poor old Mum who will find this all to much. Can I just ask if this is usual to involve the whole family. My husband thinks I'm being paranoid but I'm the only one who takes interest in Mums well being. My other siblings think it's a good home and we should leave it all to them.
I'm not looking forward to this meeting at all but will be there to speak up for my Mum.
My younger sister and I don't really get on with our other two siblings terribly well.
Apologies for long long post

 

[fizzie]

Hi all. Haven't been on here for a while. Mum has now been in her care home for a year. The home is great and the staff wonderful. I have had a few issues - sleeping and showers in the main! I spend hours with my Mum taking her out and spending time in the home. I think the manager wasn't sure about me at first but had realised I just enjoy being with my Mum and want to have time with her while I'm able. We still have some niggles. I want to help and I think she would prefer it if I left throngs to them.
Anyway I have 2 sisters who visit a couple of hours each twice a week and a brother who lives in Spain who only visits occasionally. My problem is the manager has suggested we all meet to do the annual review. My hubby and sisters hubby can't be there but the other two partners will be. That means the manager, 6 of us and my poor old Mum who will find this all to much. Can I just ask if this is usual to involve the whole family. My husband thinks I'm being paranoid but I'm the only one who takes interest in Mums well being. My other siblings think it's a good home and we should leave it all to them.
I'm not looking forward to this meeting at all but will be there to speak up for my Mum.
My younger sister and I don't really get on with our other two siblings terribly well.
Apologies for long long post

My understanding is that you can have a review the way that you want it, I am surprised the others all want to attend. The review should be pretty straight forward though. I would make some notes, and just stick to the things that you need to say. If you think it will be too much for mum then you need to say so, your mum's wellbeing is central (as is yours)

 

[Maldives13]

The care home manager has said it would be good for them to come. Personally I do believe she doesn't like me taking the interest I do and wanting to help. I believe she is looking to get them on board that all is well when I know Mums not sleeping well which is affecting her and they are not showering her as often as I feel they should. I've offered to go and give Mum a shower or be there when new carers start as that's what I used to do when Mum was at home.
Thanks for replying that is really helpful. My younger sister has already expressed concern to me that it will be too much for Mum.

 

[Amy in the US]

Surely it's not necessary for your mother to sit in on the meeting? When I have "care conferences" at the care home where my mother lives, it's just me and the staff. Perhaps the rules are different where you are, but it couldn't hurt to ask about this specifically.

 

[fizzie]

The care home manager has said it would be good for them to come. Personally I do believe she doesn't like me taking the interest I do and wanting to help. I believe she is looking to get them on board that all is well when I know Mums not sleeping well which is affecting her and they are not showering her as often as I feel they should. I've offered to go and give Mum a shower or be there when new carers start as that's what I used to do when Mum was at home.
Thanks for replying that is really helpful. My younger sister has already expressed concern to me that it will be too much for Mum.

Most care homes are delighted when relatives take an interest and welcome their help because it relieves their carers and staff are usually stretched. I think they would draw the line at actually showering because of insurances but this should be written into her care plan - all her care should be written into the care plan and gone through with you.

Do you know why your Mum is having disturbed nights?

I think it might help if you sat down with the Manager and explained how much you like still being a big part of your Mum's life (I think that is lovely, she has the best of both worlds!) and that you do want to help, what would help them as well? Just a thought, but get all your concerns documented in the meeting and ensure you see the care plan and make sure it is noted. To be honest I know that a number of homes just say the person didn't want a shower if they are short staffed! but if you are there and your mum wants a wash or shower there is no reason why you can't be with her if she wants you to I wouldn't have thought.

Good luck keep posting

 

[Rheme]

When we have care reviews about mum (CHC Funding) with the nursing home manager, social worker and CHC Assessor my mum is not at the meeting as I do not feel it is appropriate. Mum whilst in final stage dementia does understand everything that is said and I feel it would be distressing to her.

The rest of my family are basically 'invisibles' and as they only visit mum infrequently I do not invite them to these meetings as they do not know her. When they visit there is limited/no interaction with mum often just standing and looking at her or messing about on their mobile phones. I am the only member of the family that mum knows so feel that their attendance would not be to mum's benefit.

When mum went into the nursing home I was very hands on and I think the staff thought this was intrusive. Like you I was used to caring for her previously and now over two years down the road they have become used to my input and hands on approach and accept it willingly. It actually takes some pressure of them as when I am there they can concentrate on other residents.

 

[Witzend]

I was the only one who lived near - siblings an hour, 5 hours and a 7 hour flight away - so the review was usually just with me, and nobody had a problem with that.

My mother never sat in on the meetings, it was never suggested, and if it had been I would have said a firm No. Even when her AD was pretty bad she HATED anyone talking about her over her head, and I don't see that you can have any sort of useful review without talking about the PWD.

Besides, I think that discussing anyone in their own presence, especially when there might be matters like incontinence on the agenda, is very bad manners, and goes right against the 'dignity in dementia' mantra.

 

[Maldives13]

Do you know I feel heaps better reading your replies and thank you all for responding. You have brought tears to my eyes.
My siblings make me feel I'm the one that is wrong in still wanting to be hands on but I love being with my Mum and I must admit I am there so often that I have a good rapport with the care staff and residents. Like you said I think the manager thought it intrusive but the staff seemed to welcome it.
The fact that I've offered to go and help with a shower is in the care plan but I still think it's easier sometimes if they ask and she says no because they are so busy. I feel like I'm always keeping on and my sisters say - oh well if she doesn't want a shower! But I have spoken to my Mum who does. Trouble is she likes routine and would like the same person! That's difficult with the staff rotas and such.
Sleeping - well again. Mum has had several falls since she has been in there. I stayed overnight with her recently and spoke to the senior Carer and suggested he tell her I had rung and said I was ready for bed and then encourage her to do the same. He thought it was a great idea but when I saw the manager she kind of dismissed it a bit I feel. So I don't actually know if that has been tried.
I may talk to the manager about Mum being present. Mum is not late stages so I know she wants to say her bit and say what should happen but I feel with 6 of us there and the manager she will feel a bit overwhelmed!
Thank you again I'm just so touched that you have replied.
I'm making notes so any more thoughts really would be appreciated thank you x

 

[Otiruz]

Hello Maldives13

Are you able to find out if this is common practice at the home? If it is and there is no budging the care home manager how about suggesting that Mum could be present during the last 15 minutes only. Stress that you feel it's in HER best interests. That way, you and your family get to discuss the elements of care which you do not want your mum to be party to. The CHM would seem to be very dogmatic if she did not agree to this solution.

 

[fizzie]

I'm just wondering, if your mum wants to be involved then I think she should, her voice will carry more weight than everyone else together and perhaps she doesn't want people meeting and talking about her behind her back as it were. I would go for it and then be prepared that if she finds it overwhelming then you will all be prepared with a plan B

 

[Maldives13]

Hi again.
I think Fizzie you are right. Mum doesn't like people talking behind her back so much as I'm worried about how she will cope I know it's right she should be there and I'm her biggest advocate to be fair. I want what makes my Mum happy but I spend lots of time with her so know her well. Guess I will have to make sure her views are heard over the care home and my siblings! Just so many!
I will also check to see if the care home usually have All the siblings to the meeting.
Thanks both for your added comments.

 

[fizzie]

Hi again.
I think Fizzie you are right. Mum doesn't like people talking behind her back so much as I'm worried about how she will cope I know it's right she should be there and I'm her biggest advocate to be fair. I want what makes my Mum happy but I spend lots of time with her so know her well. Guess I will have to make sure her views are heard over the care home and my siblings! Just so many!
I will also check to see if the care home usually have All the siblings to the meeting.
Thanks both for your added comments.

I can tell how much you love her and want the very best for her, she is a very lucky lady xx I think you are right to object to so many, I would too. Perhaps if you suggested to the sibs that mum would find it overwhelming and would they be prepared to note down the points that they want to make and you will make sure their questions are answered and then you could all have a family meeting to go through the whole thing away from the care home afterwards - might that work?

 

[Maldives13]

Hello again Fizzie.
Bless you for that. I do indeed love her very much and just want her to be happy in whatever way she wants really. I'm not sure how my siblings would feel. My brother lives in Spain so has very little to do with my Mum. He and I (actually and my younger sister) do not exactly see eye to eye. He has caused us both much upset over the years. He would refuse I'm sure to be sidelined as he sees it!
We all have LPA for health and welfare so perhaps the manager thinks she has no choice but to involve us all! When I've asked my sisters about other meetings they have been very happy to let me go and update them. Tricky having siblings sometimes! Not sure what the answer is but I may have a word with the manager and express my concerns.
Funny how they are quite happy for me to have the biggest involvement with Mum all year round! Don't get me started!
Thanks Fizzie x

 

[fizzie]

i'm an only, thank goodness when I hear the stories on here!! I wouldn't have the patience xx good luck, yes I think manager is your best bet x

 

[Maldives13]

Hi all.
Just an update and a thank you really.
I spoke to the manager today who said maybe it was a bit over the top. She sees three of us regularly when we visit Mum so has suggested just seeing my brother when he comes over and updating him and seeing if he has any concerns!
Phew!!
She also said that she wouldn't have had Mum in for the whole time, but I said she wouldn't have liked that either as she would think we are talking about her!!
Thank you so much for all your replies - can't tell you what confidence it gave me to speak to the manager.

On a positive note I' m very proud of myself as I've suggested we all meet for a coffee while my brother is over!! Good grief how brave am I? Not looking forward to it but at least I'm trying eh?

Thank you all

 

[fizzie]

Thank you so much for updating us -- I'm so pleased that your chat with the manager went well - she sounds very receptive which is great. Well done for offering a 'coffee date' - put a bottle of wine aside for afterwards and share with a friend and 'let it all out ' lol. well done xx

 

[Maldives13]

Hi Fizzie.
Thank you so much for your help - it made a big difference to me and gave me the confidence to speak to her. The wine is warming up in preparation!! Lol x

 

[Otiruz]

That's a really positive outcome Maldives13 and a united family is a much better option if it can be achieved. I daresay the care home manager is well aware of your continuing input with mum so giving her the opportunity to meet with your brother relieves you of this task.

Perhaps when it comes to your siblings you can choose what to tell them if you think it will get a negative response which is demoralising for you. Ultimately you are putting your mum first and your relationship with her is very special. Also it may be true that your excellent care of mum makes your siblings feel a little guilty.... don't let it stop you though!

 

[Maldives13]

Thank you so much Otiruz for your helpful comments and insight. Someone else said they wondered if my siblings feel a little guilty about how much I do for Mum - thank you - I won't stop doing it you are right.
I'm beginning to understand that is their problem and not mine.
Mind I have been having counselling as well which is really helping.
Again that's good advice about limiting what I tell my siblings as it can so easy pull me down a bit.
I do have a special relationship with my lovely Mum and I guess I want to make the most of our time. She is 93 bless her so I feel deserves my love and time.

As an aside, I don't know how I would have got through this last year without the support from people like you and Fizzie and this group. So thank you everyone for your wise and supportive words x